Motivating a child to get good grades

[diggitydot]

Oh, pull up a chair. I can tell you ALL about the warden gig since DD1 decided to go all Reefer Madness up in here. Kid is lucky she even has a door on her bedroom at this point.

She lost her phone line (we shut it off), her laptop, all extracurriculars, and goes NO WHERE unless it's with DH or me. She gets random drug tested at any time and if she refuses or pops positive for something, she has 30 days after graduation to GTFO. No questions asked.

It DOES take a lot of time. And vigilance.

[PrincessFiona]

I think DD is right too. The consequences are too far off for him. Last year, he was full of enthusiasm for Luther college or going to a college "not in MN". He said "no way would I go to St. Cloud State" and was planning on doing the post-secondary education option where you take classes at the community college your junior and senior year of high school. That is forever away to him. When I explained to him that he is limiting his choices, he doesn't seem to 'get it'. His attitude has become "I'll finish it tomorrow" "college is in 4 years".

I agree that I have to step up my game and really start limiting and enforcing.

I'm so disappointed in him. :/ and in me :/

Kris

[Sheherezade]

One of my friends went total warden on her son in 9th grade when he was caught DRUNK at the community pool with a friend one afternoon. She had to pick him up at the police station. She was shocked since it wasn't his normal behavior. She said they were glued at the hip for the next 4 months. He also changed schools because he wasn't pulling out of the crowd of concern. He's now on scholarship to Notre Dame, so I guess it worked!

It sounds like a tough gig.

I think with the grades you can be a little less 24/7 on the observation. If you get him to complete his work and turn it in on time - and maybe start daily communication with his teachers until he gets on top of it -- I think he'd get the idea. Sadly, you will have to keep him from his online entertainment. Take the phone, take the computer if you have to and have him do all his school work on yours with you nearby.

One of my son's friends lost his electronics for 6 months for some online offense. He survived. It was a scandal with his friends though. He had to come over here (with permission) to play Xbox and go to the library to do his schoolwork. At home, he was Amish.

People do this all the time. Your kid will tell you it is NEVER done, but it is. Pull the plug as much as you can.

[Pollyanna]

I'd go the warden route too, although I would likely hire a tutor for all the school work. Either take him or have a tutor come to your home M-F. Then after school work is complete he needs to do something physical. Take up running, lifting, something that gets him outside or at least away from technology.

I know a tutor is expensive but I think it would be more effective than mom or dad sitting on top of him. You'll still have plenty of that to do.

[Meenah]

At one time we had two internet accounts and two routers in hour house! If you can't take it away, give him the slowest you can find. Do they still make dial up?????

[Ladybug]

Another thought, when I start getting depressed I become overwhelmed and just avoid doing things. I hide in the computer to avoid that anxiety that is now snowballing because I'm paralyzed and things are mounting. If this is a sudden-ish change for him then I make sure nothing is off biologically too.

[peggyfromwastate]

I went through this with dd1 at about this age. Also we went through cutting, depression, marijuana, random drug screens...

Nip this in the bud fast. I regret not acting more firmly and going warden on dd1 with her internet use.

Her 9th grade grades are crap. They are terrible. But most colleges ask for 10-11th grade. The 9th shows up on transcripts, but somehow it's not part of her GPA for most schools she applied to.

The Internet addiction for her began around 7th grade. We tried everything-- taking away everything (cue "but I need it for school!!!"), parental controls ("it logged me out without warning before I finished my essay and now I have an F and it's your fault I HATE YOU YOU ARE RUINING MY LIIIIIIIFE"), allowing only certain websites using parental controls (this failed because kids have built in links to twitter/tumblr/whatever from "approved" parental sites somehow-- basically if a teen is on the Internet at all they can find their way to the addictive sites).

Honestly I have nothing but hugs. We hired a tutor (thought that would help motivate her), confiscated all iPods, computers, laptops, talked and lectured excessively. Nothing worked for us. But I think I could have gone more warden. I just didn't have it in me with the younger kids and their issues cropping up at the same time. (Not to mention dh in the middle of residency.)

How did I get through----

I decided that if dd1 ended up going to community college or tech school or beauty school someday vs what I thought maybe she was capable of, I was ok with it. I decided if she was angry with me forever for confiscating her devices, I was ok with it. I decided that random drug testing was worth it (knowing I was going to have a 45 minute ranting barrage of how I don't trust her ahead of me). And through it all I tried my hardest just to try to keep up as many lines of communication as possible.

We did take the door off... We did restrict all Internet... We did everything but to this day it was just a maturation process that we had to wait for. It clicked for her at one point... And she slooooowly started to put forth some effort. Her peer group changed-- she had three amazing best friends (incidentally her best friends were not friends with each other), and her new peers were focused on the future.

I'm sorry. I just have nothing but oodles of love, support, and commiseration to offer.

My dd18 is definitely 100% more mature now and is working at a high level on her AP classes in the subjects she cares about. There is hope... But it's hard being a teen. And it's a hard balance for parents too-- to find the line between draconian and strict...

[Thirteen]

I hate that everything school related is on the internet/schoology. This particular class (AP human geography) has all assignments etc on schoology. In order to complete anything, he has to have internet access. AND. Our school district gave all high schoolers their very own laptops for the year. sigh.

We stopped trying to take away the laptop at night and started unplugging the router. We also started making him come upstairs out of his room to do his homework on the computer.

It's hard to turn the router off because Amanda and Aidan (and sometimes Andrew if he's home) need access. Also, Thomas and I like to use the internet too. Sometimes we forget about the router and then it's ridiculous.

I am truly at my wit's end.

Kris

Can you do a daily password? Something automated that resets/randomizes your router's pw every day?

Give the pw to the kids who use it responsibly, and do not give it to him.


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[Thirteen]

Also, my parents confiscated all phones, the router, power cords to all televisions every night with my sister.
They installed a deadbolt lock with key access onto their bedroom door, denied her request to take her driver's license test for a year, and took her bedroom door off its hinges.


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