Battling entitlement

[Vanquisher]

My daughter, 10, is a spoiled brat. An entitled little asshole. I love her, but this shit needs to stop.

My son, conversely, just gets it. He always has. He was born a 70-year-old man.

So, last week Alexia was invited to a birthday party for a classmate. At the end of the party, when Chad was picking her up, she did not thank the host, proclaimed that she didn't get enough to eat (as a means to protest leaving), and that she was thirsty. The mom got her a drink as Chad gave Lexi a death glare and thanked them for the party.

Upon leaving, Chad railed into her about it, but we've had this talk before. She's just not getting it. We've taken away her shit. She just doesn't get it. I've taken her to Mexico and Jamaica and pointed out poverty. It's too abstract for her. She doesn't get it. This is a very, very, very bright girl. But, it's all about her. Clearly.

Last night, I sat down with her. We are going to make a budget, Alexia.

Let's pretend. You are an adult and married. Sounds fun. How many kids do you have?

Two.

Okay, well, how old are they?

Umm, 2 and...wait...how old am I?

It doesn't matter. Let's say your other kid is 8. Okay?

All right.

Does your husband work outside of the house, or is he a stay-at-home-dad?

He works.

Okay, he makes $36,000. That's about the median.

Okay.

Do you work?

No. I want to stay home with my kids. Okay.

You can't really afford a house. So, do you want a two or three bedroom apartment?

And on and on we went, budgeting, and pulling out money until she didn't have enough money to have a cell phone, or internet, or clothes, or anything at all really.

So, I asked her if she'd like to work, instead, so there was more money in her budget?

She answered, "but then I'd have to pay for daycare and stuff!"

So, intellectually, she gets it. She always has. Ask her a question. She knows the answer. She knows how she is supposed to behave. We talk and talk about being grateful, gracious, and courteous. We also talk about people working hard for what they have. We take away her privileges. We make her work to earn things.

When it comes to her behavior though, I know this shit is going to continue. She has the same core issues, over and over and over.

Now, she really is a sweet girl and does occasionally think of other people rather than herself, but teaching this child a work ethic, responsibility, courtesy, and humility is going to kill me. Dead.

Sigh...

Time for her to do some volunteer work and manual labor. Again.

Any other suggestions?

[ladymoreta]

Have you had her read How to Win Friends and Influence People? That made a big difference for me when I read it in high school, even though my mom had taught me the principles since I was little.

[Phoebe]

I'm following this. We've got the same issues with my 10 year old.

[spaz]

Either mission or charity work. (Can't remember who is a believer or not.)

For example, last week my children poured concrete for several houses that had dirt floor overseas. They delivered food baskets to others. They saw children in the hospital who were from 6 hours away whose parents slept underneath the bed at the hospital. They prayed with them and gave them some small toy and hygiene supplies. They got their hands dirty serving other people. If you aren't religious then go serve at the homeless shelter. Just pointing it out won't work. My children always say thank you and don't have smart phones and just get jeans from Walmart and are perfectly happy. Every time we get home from one of these trips we are all so grateful to be able to put our glasses under the sink and drink the water that comes from it. Help her get her hands dirty serving others.

[Vanquisher]

Not religious.

I can't find much volunteer work that they will allow a 10-year-old to do.

[ladymoreta]

I agree that charity work can help to deepen the roots of her understanding of need vs want, but it sounds like you're battling with her manners right now. It might even be time for a little public intervention. Cheerfully reminding her to say thank you in front of her friends ("Oops! You forgot to tell Amy and her mom thank you! I'll wait while you go tell them, and please apologize to her mom for complaining.") before she leaves may make more of an impact than trying to instill empathy. That will come with more maturity, but she can have good habits before she feels them internally.

[Vanquisher]

We've done that. I wasn't at the party in question, but I have definitely reprimanded her and forced her to use manners.

Etiquette camp? I'm only partially kidding.

[Vanquisher]

I'm thinking of saying she's 11 and sending her here:

http://www.academyofetiquette.com

$425 is a lot though. Sheesh.

[Pollyanna]

Ahhhh, 10. Yes, it's time for the 10 year old talk (which you've done but the talk needs to be the kind that they remember when they're 20). First, don't freak out! I promise that this is fairly standard 10 year old behavior. Your complication is that your sweet 10 year old is smarter than most 30 year olds without the emotional maturity to go with it. She is smart enough to look at those less fortunate and think, "wow, that is awful" but she knows that is not her reality. Asking her to make the huge leap to gratefulness in the realm of the haves and have nots is asking a lot. I think you're making it a bit too abstract with the grown up stuff. I would approach it along the lines of, "we will not accept that behavior" (which I know you do). But then back it up with forcing the behavior you want and losing things like birthday parties with friends. I would have told her at the party we do not act that way and say thank you to the mom and not let her have the drink (Easy to say in hindsight. I'm sure Chad was caught off guard). I'm not a big believer in losing "stuff" because it rarely has the desired effect. Then practice with her on how you expect her to act all the time. This is the parent/child way of acting your way into a new way of thinking. You are forcing the actions you expect and will snap her back very quickly if she doesn't comply. Yes, yes, yes, folks are going to say, "she should WANT to behave and be grateful". That will come with time and emotional maturity.

I think volunteering is great if you have the time for it but you don't have to volunteer to have grateful children. Catch her doing good when she helps a classmate or friend and praise the heck out of those behaviors. She will get it, she'll get there, I promise. Ask our children, they remember the 10 year old talk, lol. You're not alone.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Do it! I mean, seriously. She's probably going to roll her eyes and balk at the idea, but she also might like the other aspects of it (learning about the proper way to do things like eat a roll). I'm sure you've done this, but have you pointed out the pros of using good manners - even from a "how the other person feels" perspective? It's tricky with her age, because girls are prone to the "whatever's". I'd say to just ramp up the politeness in the house to "toddler" level, but you guys are all pretty gracious at home already.

[Pollyanna]

Can't you put her on the mannerly kids class? I don't think being with high schoolers would be a great idea for this type of thing unless the class skews young. Maybe just ask the director of the class which one would be a better fit since she is "close to" eleven?

[Sheherezade]

We have a slightly more mature version of this. My very smart, yet very stupid, new high school graduate is polite and says all the right things, but he privately believes that if you work hard and follow the rules, you will do well. People that don't do well must have made mistakes or not tried hard enough. We've tried to disabuse him of this notion, but I think that's a lesson only life can teach.

I agree with Tara. Teach her the outward grace and emphasize the deeper lesson - but don't expect to see immediate results. It will take time but one day she'll say "So that's what mom meant!"

[Vanquisher]

I'm not sure that the kid one would be good for her, especially with the religious elements thrown in. She's so smart, I'm afraid the kid one would really be ineffective. I'll call the school and ask how the groups skew age-wise though.

[Pollyanna]

And don't worry, having "stuff" doesn't make her feel entitled. I really don't think she is acting entitled, poorly at times, but not entitled. I know folks that don't have two nickels and kids with no electronics/phones that act more entitled than you can imagine. Having or not having is not inversely proportional to the feeling of gratefulness or entitlement.

[Pollyanna]

I'm not sure that the kid one would be good for her, especially with the religious elements thrown in. She's so smart, I'm afraid the kid one would really be ineffective. I'll call the school and ask how the groups skew age-wise though.

I missed the religious element. We're very religious and that would bug me.