Battling entitlement

[Vanquisher]

Have you had her read How to Win Friends and Influence People? That made a big difference for me when I read it in high school, even though my mom had taught me the principles since I was little.

I will look into this, but I'm not sure I want her to learn more influence. She's got evil gifts.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

No answers or suggestions for you since I don't have kiddos but I just wanted to say that I think it's huge that you guys are making this such a priority. So many adults haven't mastered these skills because some parents don't even try or see an issue...massive props for wanting to instill such great values in your kids!

[ladymoreta]

I will look into this, but I'm not sure I want her to learn more influence. She's got evil gifts.

[peggyfromwastate]

My kids go to school with the very wealthy tech bubble kids right now. Parents have multimillion dollars. Houses that are huge. Elaborate vacations. Catered parties for the kids in their backyards...

It's over the top.

Most of the kids do not have a parent available (that's what nannies are for) and have fewer than 5 family dinners a year.

I haven't seen very rude behavior from most of these kids-- very very fake, yes. Snobby? Yes. A bit pretentious? Yep. But the manners are usually outwardly impeccable. Maybe they've all been to etiquette school in Paris lol.

I have no help. Just a big old "go team Heidi"!!! We struggle with this all the time. Just last night dd18 was lamenting that her summer plans were not up to par with her classmates. Apparently some of them are taking a group tour of Europe. First class all the way. They are all 18... Going without a chaperone. With daddy's credit card.

[scrub-jay]

I really like Dr. Christine Carter of Raising Happiness (from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley) -- I like her perspective because it is incredibly evidence-based. I do gratitude practices with my dd as part of our bedtime routine.

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/rais..._than_grateful
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/rais...of_entitlement

[Thirteen]

We talk about privileges already, and he's 3.
I'm hoping the language of "privileges vs. rights" will continue to develop into an appropriate dialogue as he ages.

Luckily, we (currently) are not in a "dripping in money" location at the moment. That could always change.

It was impossible to have a "normal" childhood where DH grew up, though. Status is so important -- I sympathize, Peggy.

Perhaps the idea of "things to look forward to" will help?
At 18, that kind of trip/life? What exactly is the next best thing/the bigger step?
I can see how adulthood could be a huge letdown for some of these children.



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[Ladybug]

What about having her write the story of the event from different perspectives? One story about her perspective and feelings about leaving, one about her dads, one about the hosts. If she gets into the creative process and with your help/feedback she might be able to explore those perspectives, feelings, impressions in a nonconfrontational way. Are there any good books at her reading level that explore these conflicts. It's safer/easier to discuss a character rather than yourself. You're such a generous person. And in her owning timing she will pick that up and make it her own. I find I'm most affected by others peoples actions towards me that touch me, impress me more than rules or expectations. It really internalizes that value of the gestures.

[spaz]

Our whole family have gone several times to the homeless shelter in our town. No age restrictions as long as we pitch in as well. I believe we are given material stuff to be able to bless others not to hoard, so in a way, I guess it has been caught not taught exactly.

As far as manners , we just modeled and required it. I will thank my husband for taking us to dinner. I will thank my children for mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen, helping out. I do that even if I have assigned the chore, but I go overboard if it is something they did without my having to ask. I guess if I just assumed they were supposed to do chores and I didn't need to say thank you to them, then that was just as entitled as them thinking it is my job to cook dinner. ( They always tell me thank you when I cook. I tell them if they do.) I say thank you to my mom or to my in-laws. When they were little, I required it and we sometimes had to practice. Now it is just family culture.

I'm not saying you are not already doing those things, but just adding to the discussion. Sometimes you model and teach and it doesn't take. We have a couple of those issues here with my boys. Gratefulness and entitledness just isn't ours.

[spotty_dog]

I had a 10 year old at my house break down crying yesterday, with huge sobs of frustration, because the 7yos didn't give him first whack at Minecraft. We suspect he's not 100% neurotypical but still, that's at least as hard to swallow as a hyped-up little girl having trouble winding down to go home and not remembering her manners!

I like the idea of regular gratitude practice and the specificity of the links scrub-jay offered.

[Thirteen]

Heidi - don't worry too much. She will use her powers for good, I promise.


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[moonlight]

Are you more concerned about her being spoiled in a way where she doesn't appreciate the things she has (vacations experiences, toys, etc) or is the the attitude and lack of manners (telling adults and friends Thank You)??

I don't see where making her volunteer or understand poverty would help her realize she should say Thank You to a adult/friend that invites her to a birthday party.

Is this something new or has she always not remembered her manners? I'm just asking because my 4 year old is really good at it now and I'm scared this stuff goes away.

[Vanquisher]

Both. It's an overarching and interconnected problem, I think.

She's pretty much always been like this to some degree; however, it's definitely worse. I'm tired of it. It feels disrespectful, callous, entitled, and rude to me.

This is not how I raised her to be, lest you are thinking that it's my parenting. She's great with other things. This is her battle.

With my son, it's his self-worth. I am constantly battling his inner monologue of negativity.

I model appropriate behavior. I expect appropriate behavior. I teach appropriate behavior. I praise appropriate behavior.

It's not just remembering her manners, though that would be fantastic, it's her egocentric viewpoint coupled with that. Part of it is just her age and part of it is an emotional maturity that does not match her intellect.

[Pollyanna]

Both. It's an overarching and interconnected problem, I think.

She's pretty much always been like this to some degree; however, it's definitely worse. I'm tired of it. It feels disrespectful, callous, entitled, and rude to me.

This is not how I raised her to be, lest you are thinking that it's my parenting. She's great with other things. This is her battle.

With my son, it's his self-worth. I am constantly battling his inner monologue of negativity.

I model appropriate behavior. I expect appropriate behavior. I teach appropriate behavior. I praise appropriate behavior.

It's not just remembering her manners, though that would be fantastic, it's her egocentric viewpoint coupled with that. Part of it is just her age and part of it is an emotional maturity that does not match her intellect.

See, this is the 10 year old talk. But you have to do it with Chad and you have to do it meaner. Point out her fatal flaw and tell her it ain't happening anymore (it will but you'll make a point and she will improve). Also point out her goodness (you gotta let them come up for air a bit)).

You're a great mama Heidi, she will get there

[Vanquisher]

Hahaha! You think I haven't been mean?

We've had a very long lecture about this subject. And, it continues. We'll keep going though.

[moonlight]

It's not just remembering her manners, though that would be fantastic, it's her egocentric viewpoint coupled with that. Part of it is just her age and part of it is an emotional maturity that does not match her intellect.

Oh I get it. You are saying it doesn't even occur to her to say Thank You because its lost on her to be appreciative of something she views as inferior. You are thinking if you can get her to appreciate things (in this case the birthday party), she'll then more likely to say Thank You when appropriate.

I've seen this with my brother's kids (10 and 13). Its hit or miss. Sometimes they are great about knowing when to stop asking for more and saying Thank You, but other times its a free for all of selfishness. Clearly, I'm not there yet with mine! Thank goodness. My nieces have been in the free for all stage the last couple times I've seen them. Its exhausting to constantly correct them when I visit. I can't imagine feeling like you are at square one with her! Would it be possible to start with insisting she use her manners and then work backwards towards understanding to be appreciative when others do nice things for her?