Battling entitlement

[Pollyanna]

Hahaha! You think I haven't been mean?

We've had a very long lecture about this subject. And, it continues. We'll keep going though.

Can you get her to cry? That is also a nice touch

And y'all think I'm so nice

I know, it's exhausting, but you're making progress, I promise!!

[moonlight]

Can you get her to cry? That is also a nice touch

And y'all think I'm so nice

I know, it's exhausting, but you're making progress, I promise!!

You said everything I wanted to say but wouldn't. LOL! My mom would have beat the crud out of me if I had acted that way, and she never hit us! There's got to be a way to shame her Heidi!

[Vanquisher]

Oh yeah, she's cried. I will not spank, period. But, yes, I've made her cry many times.

[Sheherezade]

I'd imagine it's hard to criticize her harshly given R's battles with his self esteem. I'd be scared of telling the other kid anything that might tip them towards more self hate when you have to work so hard in the other direction with the other.

Anyhoo, hugs. I'm sure she's not as bad as you think. Kids always big their parents more.


Angie

[medpedspouse]

Does she have an older girl that she looks up to? Someone that models proper behavior? The reason I ask is because what came to mind was when my friend's son refused to get his drivers license. Why bother when mom can cart you around? No, things are not like they used to be. This kid is a genius...already a published author. However, some behaviors are just ummmm.... a little delayed for a guy his age. Anyway, friend brought him to my office one day while she had to go to a doctor's appointment. I figured he would find the sim center interesting while he waited for his mom to drive him wherever they were going afterwards. I was working with some of the college students that are standardized patients. They started talking about going here and there and I said "you are going have to start to driving" The college students did not understand what I meant so they asked. I did not mean to shame him but he had to admit he let his mom drive his butt around around at 17!

My friend called me the next day to ask what I had said to him since all of the sudden he wanted to practice driving. I told her I said nothing other than mentioning that you still drove him around and left him in the room with the college guys. My friend had been trying to get him to get his license for almost a year! I suppose some good peer pressure did the work.

[Pollyanna]

Oh yeah, she's cried. I will not spank, period. But, yes, I've made her cry many times.

Oh no, I'm not a spanker. Unnecessary IMO.

[houseelf]

It's not uncommon so don't flatter yourself that you win some sort of parenting loser sort of thing.

I get mean with my kids when I detect unkindness. The serve dinner at a homeless shelter with the youth group. They see me giving money to homeless people *and acknowledging that they are human beings who exist*. We occasionally join in for peanut butter sandwhich Saturday where the congregation makes sandwiches to deliver to the homeless.

It also helps that while we live in a super wealthy suburb, it is rightnextto the hood. Poverty bumps against wealth at the intersection. It isn't layers of layers of exurbs, so this helps.

I also completely agree with Pollyanna that as much as it sucks, sometimes you have to get junk yard dog mean to get through to your kids. We are going through this on another issue with my oldest and it effing SUCKS. I hate acting like his probation officer, but words aren't penetrating his brain, so our actions must. Did I mention this SUCKS? Parenting takes you to the dark side if you are doing it right. Stay strong, my friend. May the force be with you.

[SoonerTexan]

You're a good mom Heidi.

Can't they stay little forever?

[spaz]

Hahaha! You think I haven't been mean?

We've had a very long lecture about this subject. And, it continues. We'll keep going though.

I bet she is listening more than you think. Case in point: The boys were 12 and 14 and my daughter was 7. My boys were still in the middle of the very competitive stage. That and with puberty proving who was more of a man.... ugh I had lectured and lectured and done other consequences. My daughter was having her first slumber party. ( Sidenote... never again. Boys are so easy... Oh my goodness, the drama.) Hubby was on call, so the boys helped me serve pizza. Afterwards they played games. Some of the girls got in a fight. I was washing dishes as I watched my 12yo talking to the girls: what I more important a silly game or your friendship? Which will you remember longer,etc. It could have been me. It was all of the things I had been saying over the years. He looked up to see me with my mouth hanging open.. He grinned and said, "I should probably take my own advice."

So they listen. They see. It just may take until she is older to see it. In the words of Dory "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."

[spotty_dog]

Today at karate I saw the behavior of one boy in a new light. He's in that 10-ish range, and is the son of an orthopedic surgeon and a family practitioner. He really, really struggles with being respectful toward the sensei, remembering to thank her for favors done or raise his hand to join the conversation, etc. I realized that it was kind of that "Yeah but what's in it for me" self-confidence? He doesn't really come off as a brat or a bad kid but it just doesn't...mean much to him. There's no currency there.

Anyway, he's really improved over the year or so I've been watching him in classes, and the sensei drills character-building so well and expects so much of the students, especially as they progress in ranks. So I was kind of wondering if Alexia would be at all interested in doing martial arts? As a bonus, a lot of parents of bright kids find that having a long-term goal that they can't just "get" immediately but have to work toward, is infinitely valuable to kids who don't struggle with much in school work because of being quick studies.

(Whoa, I just did a quick search out of curiosity, and the top American in our style of karate actually lives in your part of your state! I don't know *exactly* where you live but the style is Uechi Ryu Karate.)

[peggyfromwastate]

ITA. Tae Kwon do has helped my kids with respect towards others so much. You just don't get away with not bowing to the instructor or being respectful and quietly listening. It has helped in other areas as well when they speak to strangers.

[medpedspouse]

That is very true about martial arts. I was always a dancer but my mom enrolled me in Judo when I was in 4th-5th grade because my cousin was also enrolled and we could carpool. I still remember some of those lessons. For example, whenever I am doing something that I do not want to do, I get quiet and focused on doing the task to the best of my ability. I still remember that the kids that whined or started getting sloppy got more laps, etc. so I learned to focus and get it done. I am also very good at falling backwards and get myself back up quickly. Lol.