*knock, knock* *secret handshake*

[Ladybug]

I feel like we're officially here. DD's on the eve of 11, and she's showing all the hormonal signs of early puberty. She's inherently moody which she comes by honestly via her mom, not her level-headed father. I'm increasingly on edge, trying to anticipate her moods...how is she going to be when she gets off the bus....how will this impact the entire family's evening? Sadly, she can make or break a day for us. I try to emotionally distinct myself from her intense feelings, and I succeed half the time, but if she emotionally worms her way under my armor, then my frustration affects everyone.

She's a good person, she just cannot reign in the intensity of her feelings and not become swept up in them. I feel like I've just (barely) reached this emotional mastery point in my own adult life. It's hard for me to deal with someone (intimate) pulling me all the way back to ground zero.

In my grace-filled moment this week, she broke our bed in a moment of tantrum. For one moment her emotional universe and our physical world intersected. She'd spent the entire afternoon crying, me trying to encourage, wondering WTF is happening...? The energy I put into her math homework is insane. It's not really about the math homework though. It's become a safe fighting arena for us, but it symbolizes her frustration about moving, changing schools, changing math programs, and her family choosing a nicer home in a better public school district versus staying. All the hard feelings that she can't express about changes or her parents' choices come screaming through in her adjustment to the new math curriculum.

Last night, well after our homework hell, we were all sitting in my bed and drawing profiles of a girl reading and watching ABC family. DD gets herself worked up (I can't do anything !!!!) and slams herself down in the bed and....it breaks. Down to the floor. We all scream. She freaks out and runs into her room, locking her door. DH fixes the bed, it was never put together properly, but she she apologizes and sees the connection between her emotions, her actions and everyone else. I'm trying to get her to understand feelings are feelings, not to be stuffed down, but you don't have to act on them either. She mostly cried and doesn't understand anything I said. Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?

[Pollyanna]

I am a broken record on this. Ages 10-12 (either boy are girl) is rough on everyone. You've all heard me say that ALL of our kiddos have had "the talk" (no, not about sex, that is much easier and comes much earlier). The talk is about their behavior and how they will not be the emotional barometer for the family. We won't have it and we won't put up with it. Does it help? A bit. Do they ALL remember it? YES, even the location in the house where it happened. It's hard because we are not huge yellers so this makes an impact. Parents that spend every waking moment yelling at every little thing have a harder time when they get to this stage because their "voice" has little impact anymore. Save your bullets parents, save them for the big stuff I say.

It's a continual conversation. Conversations with our oldest could take HOURS. They were exhausting. It is what she needed. The major blow up and then little tune ups once or twice per year. Most of our other kiddos don't require that much energy. It sounds like your oldest may. When she is calm, sit down with her (hubby HAS to be there). Talk to her about everything (I know you've done this, do it again). Say all the stuff no one wants to say. Mostly this is from her side. Remind her that you do get it and she can talk to either of you BUT she will not be allowed to behave in a way that ruins the day for the family. And you need to not be afraid of her moods. Get your zen on mama. Be able to quickly snap her out of it or make her go to a different room. Don't get into circular conversations, tell her to stop and you can talk later. Get her a math tutor. Step away from helping with homework and hiring out if she needs extra help. If homework is causing tension in your relationship stop being involved. Better that you maintain a healthy relationship than she get a good grade in a class. Give her this year and maybe next to feel it out (don't tell her you are doing this) and if she is still not fitting at the new school let her go back to the other. Not all schools are a good fit for every child. Age 11-14 is rough, middle school (especially for girls in our experience) really kind of sucks. If she needs to be at a different school to feel loved, safe, and welcomed let her have that. Middle school had a HUGE impact on our oldest. Even now at almost 21 she wished she would have gone to a different school or homeschooled those years. Her self esteem took a huge hit and she is still digging out from those years. Don't underestimate the impact of a particular school or group of friends.

I don't mean this to sound so dramatic. There is lots of fun with this age. They are fun to chat with, hang out with, discuss world views, politics, religion, and simple stuff like fashion or cars. They are developing into really cool young adults. Don't let all the parents running away from their kids influence you. Now is time for you to enter the lions den and to find a way to be comfortable there. Take breaks when you need to, because you will need to. This is indeed a marathon, the difficulty of these years gave us some really great high school years. Not perfect but pretty darn good. We kind of got them to a place where navigating those minefields were a bit easier for them to navigate.

You're going to do great and your dd is going to grow into a lovely and well balanced young women.

ETA: And remember to be firm but always kind. The outside world kind of sucks for them so always always make sure your home is their safe place where they can be calm and relax.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Wow pollyanna, can I bookmark that for 12 years from now? So much of what you said resonated with me. I was a very difficult adolescent and it still feels like my parents did everything wrong at that stage. I already dread those years if dd is anything like me. Ladybug, big big hugs to you!

[Thirteen]

I love this place.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ladymoreta]

I love this place.

Me too!

[peggyfromwastate]

Out of control moods-I feel your pain. Sending the kid to another room is ok, but sometimes leads to more battles. When my kids are ready for war, they don't want to go (they want to stay and dig in, especially in the heat of the moment.)

This is not a hormonal thing for my ds, but his mood dictates the house and it's frustrating. This is the main issue we are working on in counseling. The current method I'm working on is finding something unexpected to do to "surprise" him out of his mood. The counselor explains it as his brain gets stuck in the pattern of escalating a conflict until it's really a huge thing. It's a subconscious pattern of behavior. It's hard to find something to surprise him though. I have rolled down the window in the car, changed conversation in the house, stuff like this. The surprise effect usually stops the fit almost instantly. After a while for all parties to calm down, we can address the incident. Another technique we are working on is writing three things for ds to do on notecards which I'm supposed to laminate and carry with me. This is all discussed with ds ahead of time in terms of "ways to distract your brain from the tantrum". When the temper ensues, I'm to pull out the cards and say "pick one". They may be things like "draw a picture" or "pet the dog" or "run around the house 2 times" etc. His focus will go to the cards, and he'll have to choose one. I don't say anything except pick one. If he stomps off to his room to get away from me, and to not pick one, at least I'm not in the escalating pattern and so in essence that's a better outcome than the alternative. These techniques are for kids with oppositional disorder or massive (and sometimes scary) tantrums. This helps the kids gain some control. The counselor pointed out that the kids tantrum bc they are frustrated at feeling out of control of their body, their thoughts, their parents... The tantrum is a negative thing that they hate. It is not so much looking for attention as it is looking for a situation they can control. Tantrum escalations are fairly predictable after all. When the parent can separate from the escalation process, there is not as much likelihood of the tantrum continuing.

Regardless, these methods are for kids with a lot of oppositional issues and that's not the same as what your dd is going through. I just think some of these techniques can be applied to tantruming kids of all stages. The thought process behind the tantrum and our conditioned response to tantruming (as modeled by our parents and society) is really interesting especially as it relates to the idea of kids looking for control vs attention. I've always heard the tantrum is about getting any attention at all-- negative will do. So if we give more and more positive, they won't need the tantrum. But for my ds, the control issue is much more logical.

After the incident is over, and all have calmed down, we regroup and talk it out. For your dd, understanding the hormones and how they work and the feelings associated with raging (the adrenalin, blood rushing to face, breathing hard, fast heartbeat) may be important.

Hugs--believe me I know that raging hormonal teens are different from my ds10... I just have used some of the techniques for him with my dd13 when she has her shining moments and this has worked better than my typical "go to your room until you can be a decent human being" approach.

(By the way the counselor is taking us through "stepping stones triple P" which is a workbook for families with a child with disabilities. This is not the case with your dd- but like I said some of the techniques can be adapted for everyone.)

Huge hugs-- and it will get better. I'm having a delightful time with dd18 and she was a total bear. She was a horrid, awful, terrible tween with attitude and mood swings that were just out of control. She's really a wonderful person now-- I admit I wanted to give up the fight with her numerous times though.)

[Phoebe]

*knock, knock* *secret handshake*

Right on. Pollyanna! I need you whispering in my ear when these things come up with my girls. Like everyday.

Peggy- thanks for he tips. I am going to buy that workbook. You are so right about the control issue. That is DD11 all the way.

[PrincessFiona]

Tara is my hero. I wish I'd had this wisdom 10 years ago ... but I can use it now!

Kris

[Pollyanna]

Heck, it's easy to be full of wisdom when things are calm and no one is having a breakdown in front of you

[houseelf]

Oh, honey, is there a seat at this support group?

The energy I put into her math homework is insane. It's not really about the math homework though. It's become a safe fighting arena for us, but it symbolizes her frustration about moving, changing schools, changing math programs, and her family choosing a nicer home in a better public school district versus staying. All the hard feelings that she can't express about changes or her parents' choices come screaming through in her adjustment to the new math curriculum.

You just articulated a pattern starting in our house. By the way, this is kid number 2 in honors fifth grade math and we have yet to make it through this course without multiple episodes of tears for both parent and child. Shit gets real about this time.

I honestly feel like even though this is my second child, this is my first time in preadolescence/ middle school. My first born is easy, go lucky. I mean, he definitely has his own set of issues, but his whole modus operandi is, "It's all good. Even if it isn't good, it's still good." That sort of lulled us into thinking middle school wasn't that bad. :embarrassed: You all may be raising future Nobel Laureates, Physicians, and Astrophysicists. I'm raising the next Bachelor. Lol.

Anyway, I'm kind of shocked by how different the middle school experience is. Honestly, her issues definitely tap into my own issues that I just confronted in the last five years. I've talked about it before on this board and was rightfully chastized, but her emotional incontinence flies in the face of my deeply ingrained habit of sorting out of emotions in private. I'm definitely with the SEALs on this one: Suffer in silence. I'm so sorry that you are in pain, but you have no right to infect others with that crazy erratic emotional vomit. I'm trying to find the right balance of allowing her to authentically feel her emotions but not becoming toxic to others.

As far as math goes, I've sort of given a lot of math tutoring over to her dad. He's a marshmallow for her anyway. Honest to God, Honors fifth grade math was the single biggest factor in deciding to not go for a fourth child. My oldest was 10 and I realized that I would be sitting at the exact same dinner table 10 years from now cajoling, bribing, threatening over math. Three times would be plenty, thank you very much. I want to leave parenting wanting more, not gleeful that I am done.

I do think my daughter and other kids this age are starting to realize things about themselves in comparison to others. My daughter is smart, funny, and cute. If I'm truly honest, however, she is ever so slightly socially awkward. While school comes easy for her, she sees her brother easily attracting friends. She wants to have his robust social life but doesn't always have the same EQ. Thankfully, she doesn't want it enough to change herself and sort of rocks her misfit persona. High praise for those late bloomers! Peak at 30, baby girl. LOL.

We spend a lot of time dialoguing. It doesn't come natural for her. It is a way to process and try out things. It also helps to slow things down.

You couldn't pay me a million dollars to be a middle school girl again.

Sigh. No advice, just commiseration.

[Pollyanna]

We have the same middle school experience Kelly that our boys loved it and thus far our girls think is kind of sucks. They all still had similar behavior issues, just at different levels. All middle schoolers need so much love and compassion. That in and of itself goes such a long way.

[Ladybug]

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. I think the earliest we can sit Lucy down together will be this Sunday. That gives me some time to mentally prepare and figure out something that will keep the other kids busy for a while. Peggy, I like the cards idea. Our other repeated argument is "I'm bored, there's nothing to do, etc." but she will become punitive and sulk for hours then flip on a dime into her silly place. It gives me whiplash. I really hope it's just a bumpy transition and she can adjust to this new school. I can't afford to send her back to the old school. If push comes to shove then I guess we'll look at the neighborhood catholic school again. Other kids are reaching out to her and inviting her to events. It seems to be picking up speed so fingers crossed. Thanks for all the love and support

[diggitydot]

*knock, knock* *secret handshake*

We're a pretty chill household, but peeps can still flip the fuck out. Our general perspective is that while all emotions are valid (anger, joy, pain, anxiety, happiness, etc.), no one gets to inflict their shit on anyone else. They can go revel in it and work through it on their own if they're not at a point where they can talk about it productively with anyone else. Being a dick to others because you're in a shitty mood is always a baaaaaaaad idea.

It's always OK to tell anyone in our household, "I need to not talk right now. I'm in an awful mood and don't want to take it out on you." It's not OK to just take it out on people.

This has led to some peeps being told, "Dude. Your mood blows. Go jam out on music, work out, or something else for a while until your perspective shifts." It's also led to some peeps saying, "My mood blows. I'm going to go do something for a while until it's better."

I've also been known to put myself in a mommy time-out. "Sorry, guy. My attitude sucks. I'm going to my room for a while to see if I can get over myself. Please don't come in unless there's blood or fire. Or bloody fire."

[Sheherezade]

We are a family of enablers. Mood swings happen, and they usually result in the moody person being tucked in under a blanket with a cup of tea and a there there. Fortunately we don't have blow ups very often, it's usually anxiety related. I figure this is the emotional equivalent of meeting a yell with a soft voice; eventually the screamer brings their tone down to meet yours.


Angie

[houseelf]

Last night we had full on sobbing over loosing her "nerd" glasses that she wanted to wear to her ugly sweater holiday party. I mean she was genuinely devastated. I tried to calmly ask whether she was really upset over something else and how the rest of her day went and she responded that she didn't know why she was so upset.

Hello, adolescence.