I don't care

[PrincessFiona]

Alex has always been the golden child ... friendly, social, happy, laid back, easy to get along with, kind .... In fact, he won an award one year for exhibiting the characteristics of sainthood (I kid you not).

Right.

What Alex also is is lazy. L. A. Z. Y.

Last year (9th grade) he had a C average.

This year, I demanded that he change and offered to help, offered tutoring, took away his cell phone, restricted his access to friends, took away his Wii U. On and on.

I went to his recent conferences and he was getting an F in Biology. an F. Missing assignments etc were the culprit.

He promised me he was doing so much better now and that he had really pulled his grades up.

I couldn't bare to login online and check. It's just an emotionally upsetting experience for me.

Finally, I got over myself and did it.

He has a D- and three C-'s.

I shit bricks over this.

He is back to having 8 missing assignments in a class and has a missed exam in another from a day he was sick. He hasn't bothered to make all of this stuff up.

I tried having a serious conversation with Alex about choices in his life and what he wants (college, career, etc).


"Mom, I don't care."

He says he hates school and finds it boring and that he doesn't care about college.

Hold me. What the hell can I do? DH and I have both led by example here about how important school is and he truly couldn't be bothered.

Kris

[Ladybug]

Ugh. This is heartbreaking, Kris. You are doing all the right things. I can't think of anything I would do differently. I feel l like there is something bigger and deeper going on with his apathy, but I have no idea what. I don't think it's normal to "not care." Some of the hard things in life, learning disabilities, etc., when embraced can create stronger characters than an "easy" personality. I think Alex will find his way, but it may be nontraditional. There are a lot of awesome nontraditional paths. In my next life I was to be a traveling photographer/photojournalist. He obviously has amazing interpersonal skills, and he can get people to open up to him, but he needs to realize that however nontraditional his path be, people need to know they can trust him to turn in assignments and work. Nothing works without trust and honesty.

[PrincessFiona]

He has an incredible moral compass. He told his girlfriend that he's "Not into making out etc." and stays firm on that rule as a source of pride. He also is completely anti-drinking drugs. Very anti. He went to a New Years eve party this year and after being there an hour called me to pick him up: "Mom, someone brought alcohol. pick me up."

[Ladybug]

When I fall behind, even a little, I can become paralyzed. Less so now than when I was younger. Do you think it snowballs and he can't figure out how how to focus on a small, immediate goal in front of him. Kinda like, if I'd not acknowledge it it will go away?

He's a *great* kid and I know your frustrated. He might not be able to verbalized how he feels overwhelmed and it's just easier to say "I don't care"

All you can do it model how to organize a recovery. I think you are right to withhold all fun/friends because work is a priority. You're teaching him that.

((Hugs))

[Phoebe]

Not caring seems like a defense mechanism. It is for my middle child. Parenting is difficult at every stage. Hugs!

[Pollyanna]

So for the really important stuff he is on top of it and let's be honest, keeping a good morale compass IS the important stuff.

Now I too would be freaking out about the grades, I promise I would be but now the balance will be really praising him for the good stuff without discouraging him to the point that he thinks it's grades that are important.

I'm not sure I have a solution right now but I am sure that you and Thomas are setting a good example and that you have a good kid with a good head on his shoulders.

[PrincessFiona]

I think the praise part is missing from me. I'm too upset about the grades. I harp on him every day. I can't let it go. He does so many great things like teaching 3 children's kung fu classes for free just for the experience and to help our friend. He has so many good qualities.

But the grades. The GRADES.

[Ladybug]

I think the grades (missing assignments) do reflect a part of the moral compass though. I need to know that you can follow through on something you've been asked to do. That's trust and respect. They all work together. He's *crushing it* in areas of his life, but not in others. It does leave you scratching your head....why? Where is the trip wire? Why do parts of his life look so different?

[PrincessFiona]

That's exactly right Ladybug. Why do they look so different?

And he can motivate himself so well for KungFu ... .but not school. How do I extend his motivation from Kung Fu to school? He says his dream is to own his own dojo (spelling) and to be a kung fu master/teacher.......

Kris

[Bittersweet]

Oh Kris, this was me as a student. I really didn't care enough to jump through the hoops and then would get so far behind that it felt hopeless. Like ladybug mentioned, I'd become paralyzed. I was constantly grounded for my C grades. It was miserable for all involved and I'm fearful I'll get my due when my boys are teenagers.

I don't know what would have helped, honestly. Some major micromanagement by my parents would have probably put a stop to the missing assignments and the cycle of becoming hopelessly behind. Checking that assignments were completed before they were due, etc, etc. I wasn't defiant and wouldn't have refused to prove my work or blow off a required, supervised homework hour after school. That's a lot of work for the parent, though. I get that.

If it's any consolation, once I felt it mattered (i.e college/law school), I got exceptional grades. Hopefully, he'll see the light faster than I did.

[PrincessFiona]

Bittersweet, thank you for giving me hope.

[Thirteen]

Mine was organizational/anxiety due to ADHD. Therapy helped me, and I cared enough to create a system that worked for me. It got easier as I got older, but even now (post-graduate school) it is my daily struggle with tasks.

Maybe a "help me help you" conversation? Brainstorming? Talk therapy? (Not sure if Alex is actually dx with anything like myself, though)

Another thought: is he bored? Maybe it's not challenging?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bittersweet]

Bittersweet, thank you for giving me hope.

I still feel guilty for putting my parents through that. Why didn't I just do the work!?!. It's not like it was even difficult, grrr. Anyway, big hugs. I hope you find a solution. I bet down he feels pretty crappy about it too.

[diggitydot]

Any chance he doesn't give a shit because he's bored and the work is waaaaaaay below his ability level?

[PrincessFiona]

They put him in AP classes and he barely skated by with C's. The work was challenging. I have discussed the possibility of ADHD with him but he has no real symptoms. I do think he feels badly about where he is at because his friends all make A's and B's. I don't know what to do.