I don't care

[diggitydot]

If he's interesting is the martial arts, is there a way to incorporate that into his studying regime? Or maybe incorporate it into his reward scheme? Carrot and stick stuff. Stick hasn't worked, switch to the carrot?

[PrincessFiona]

I need to switch to the carrot. It's hard for me because I'm so disappointed and worried. DH has made it clear he will not pay for college with these grades.

I am planning on talking with his kung fu teacher again. Alex idolizes her son and he is home from UC Berkley. I was hoping he would talk to Alex. Bad idea?

Kris

[HouseofWool]

I need to switch to the carrot. It's hard for me because I'm so disappointed and worried. DH has made it clear he will not pay for college with these grades.

I am planning on talking with his kung fu teacher again. Alex idolizes her son and he is home from UC Berkley. I was hoping he would talk to Alex. Bad idea?

Kris

Great idea.

[JediMaster]

I hope I'm not overstepping here, but this was totally me! And I'm Asian-- can you imagine?!? I was consistently grounded but didn't care. I ended up graduating at 16 and was off to college. Once there, I totally rocked my classes. I just thrived.

So-- could there be a level of bored ness? Maybe the teaching style isn't working? Could he benefit from a coop?

Also, as I was reading, I'm wondering if maybe dyslexia could be it? Or ADHD like you said.

Sounds like you are a committed parent and doing everything you can. I would keep encouraging him. When I went back to school for a premed post bac at 24 in AZ, I ended up with a 4.3 GPA and I was in only hard science classes. There is hope. The motivation has to come from within. :-/

Also, I think it's a great idea to have his role models explain the concept of college. If he comments on someone's cool car at the gas station-- engage with the person driving it- My son loves your car! What do you do for a living?

Hang in there... My guess is that it will change.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PrincessFiona]

Thanks Jedimaster! More reason to be hopeful!

[ides]

It could be that it feels daunting and he doesn't really want to try incase he does no better. I think having his martial arts teacher talk to him and maybe express that if he puts in efforts it will open future doors for him and he will be pleasantly surprised with success.

[spotty_dog]

They put him in AP classes and he barely skated by with C's. The work was challenging. I have discussed the possibility of ADHD with him but he has no real symptoms. I do think he feels badly about where he is at because his friends all make A's and B's. I don't know what to do.

The shock of having to actually *work* in school, after having everything come easily through grade school, can be very disconcerting. As a student, I cultivated apathy because it gave me an excuse for failure. Not trying and failing was much easier to swallow than trying and failing, because I had gotten so much praise in elementary school for the things I knew, rather than for the effort I put forth. I got a D in Marine Biology my senior year of high school, after earning a full-ride scholarship to one of my top-choice liberal arts colleges. The fear of losing my scholarship put a little fire under me...but only a little one. The apathetic "oh, I'm just *choosing* not to do the homework" approach would plague me throughout college too.

Can you have a heart-to-heart? Can you explain that it's not the grades that matter, it's the education? A well-educated kung-fu sensei will garner a lot more respect than a poorly-educated one. And being able to use his brain and follow through with things will be invaluable as a business owner. Can you start praising his effort more than punishing for his grades? (FWIW, the bad grade is meant to BE a punishment, it's a secondary reinforcer that's conditioned to his motivation to do well; if you want him to have that motivation, adding a tertiary reinforcement in the form of a punishment tied to the bad grade that is tied to the poor performance is not going to make the primary motivation materialize, you know?)

Setting an example with your psychology self-study will hopefully show him that knowledge is worth acquiring for its own sake, even when it's not easy!

[Meenah]

Kris, I haven't read all of the responses, but he sounds just like Caroline. If you remember, she (like me) has ADD, not the H part, so it was completely missed.

[PrincessFiona]

You all give me so much to think about!

He is out to lunch with his Kung Fu idol as I type this.

Hoping the "talk" helps.

Kris

[diggitydot]

I thought ADD, too, while reading. But there's just so much ADD/ADHD in our household that I probably see it everywhere.

[peggyfromwastate]

My dd19 did the same exact thing in middle school. She did not care. My ds13 does not care. He sort if does, bc I finally gave up and tied $ to grades, but he doesn't care enough to turn in work. My oldest literally said she couldn't imagine going to college, did not want to go, and wouldn't work hard in school.

It's so annoying and frustrating.

My ds13 is so smart. He'd do so well at school if he cared. Which he doesn't. It sort of helps that dd19 has gone back and told the 13 year olds that she wishes she tried harder in middle school, and she told ds13 to start turning in work bc it "matters". But... They see that she got in to university (not a prestigious one, but a university nonetheless) so I'm sure that ds13 thinks there's no real need to work hard.

I don't know.

Fwiw, my two ADHD kids are the ones who really try so hard at school. The tests kill them more than homework. That's just my little world though.