I'm an enabler

[PrincessFiona]

Slap me.

Today the new semester started for Amanda and Andrew. I *gulp* packed backpacks, created easy-to-read schedules for them at freecollegeschedulemaker.com and taped them to the front of their notebooks . I can't help myself. I just want them to have a good start. DH pretty much said "they're adults, let them figure it out." No, they're my babies....I want to help and be a part of it.

My kids need to be more independent and I'm getting in the way of that. Why is it so hard for me to let go?


Kris

[diggitydot]

I'm an enabler

Why is it hard for you to let go? Because doing stuff like that is your "love language".

Don't beat yourself up. It's innocent and not going to prevent them from navigating age-appropriate shit.

[PrincessFiona]

I just started worrying about it this morning. Will they know how to do this crap on their own? I trickle-charged Andrew's battery all night so it wouldn't die, but I've never once showed him how to use our external charger. This morning, I disconnected it all and turned the engine on and let it run. It occurred to me that if I wasn't here, maybe he wouldn't figure it out? Could he figure out his schedule? Could he charge his battery? Could he *gulp* pack his backpack (duh, yes he can!). I just wanted them to feel happy today. I packed nice surprise bags with candy, money, pens and pencils .... I want to 'be there' for them.

They were both really grateful and thanked me profusely, but ... am I robbing them of their independence?

I want to mother them. I don't want them to grow up and move on.

Kris

[ladymoreta]

Aww, I think that's sweet!

[diggitydot]

Yes, they'd have figured that shit out. They may have called or texted you some questions, but with even minimal guidance, they'd have figured it all out. And they may have discovered other ways to get stuff done, too. Maybe even ways that make more sense to them.

It's OK to want to help them navigate. So long as you're teaching them how to do this stuff, too, I think you're probably fine.

I can't tell you how many times DD1 has called or texted questions to me since she's been at school. I have no idea what she needs to do sometimes, but I can at least direct her where to go to find someone who can help her.

[spaz]

It is sweet, but back off if you can. I cannot remember how old Amanda is......

I didn't do a thing. While my sophomore in college was home, he went online and found his discount books on Amazon. I just gave him my credit card to pay for it. One day he left and went to Target. He had a couple of gift cards from last Christmas and this Christmas, so he used those to buy his school supplies and some snacks... I did buy him more washing detergent because he forgot to buy that!

Same thing with my senior. I ordered his books, however, but he picked them up last week when he got his new id card for the semester. I don't wake him up. I hope he had notebooks. I didn't ask. He can go by Walmart if he needs to. He's taking 13 hours dual credit again... It is his life. He needs to live it.

So if you can, back off so whenever they leave home they can handle it. My goal is to get myself out of a job. I'm already working on that with my 13yo. She does her own laundry.

[PrincessFiona]

My goal is to get myself out of a job.

You have nailed it. This is my exact concern. I need to figure out how to nurture w/o interfering with independence.

Today, I teach Andrew how to trickle charge his own car.

Kris

[diggitydot]

I'm an enabler

Maybe a paradigm shift from thinking of yourself as a caregiver to thinking of yourself as a teacher might help?

Ultimately, I think most parents want their kids to eventually become independent adults capable of caring for themselves and becoming productive members of society. Parenting is mostly about teaching them how to get there.

[Ladybug]

Or just a big dinner (even out) to hear about everyone's (mis)adventures

[Pollyanna]

Maybe a paradigm shift from thinking of yourself as a caregiver to thinking of yourself as a teacher might help?

Ultimately, I think most parents want their kids to eventually become independent adults capable of caring for themselves and becoming productive members of society. Parenting is mostly about teaching them how to get there.

I think this is a really good plan. Other good plan is to move them out as soon as possible, not because it is bad for them to live at home but because it forces them to do things on their own and removes the temptation for you to do things like create schedules for them .

You're an awesome mom Kris. I will submit that some kids DO need more direction than others and I think you know when you're doing what is best for them vs enabling. I see a bit of enabling this morning but still great love. Don't beat yourself up. It's hard ass hell to learn how to parent an adult child.

[PrincessFiona]

Thanks Tara.

I felt myself crossing the line and I couldn't stop myself. I turned my adults into little kids!

I agree about the moving out.

We are exactly on target with our finances to make that happen, so I'm hopeful that in the Fall semester they will be living a life with a lot less micromanagement by Mom. No disasters allowed.

Last night Andrew was talking about the benefits of living at home: "You always have a plate for me tucked away in the microwave for when I get home from work; you do my laundry; you clean my room. You are a good mom. You support me.". It feels reallly good to have the acknowledgement; especially from him, but it's time for him to take on some of this stuff himself! I'll keep a plate for him though for a meal.

Amanda already steps up and makes her own meals/washes a lot of her own clothes herself.

I want my kiddos to be able to take on the world.

And I want to tuck them in close to me and never let them go.

Kris

[BonBon]

If you're open to adopting an adult, I'm available...

I think the fact that Andrew recognizes how much you do for him and appreciates it is great. That shows he doesn't feel that sense of entitlement and that you *should* be doing it for him. I live for the day when my kids realize the effort that goes into parenting!

[Vishenka69]

You're a great mom. My 4 yr old, on the other hand, called me a mean stepmother for insisting that she do everything herself.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

[SoonerTexan]

You have nailed it. This is my exact concern. I need to figure out how to nurture w/o interfering with independence.

You will. As an adult with 2 kids of my own, I still need my mommy. Just in different ways.

[Meenah]

STEP AWAY!!!!!


I haven't read all of the responses, but IMO you are doing them no favors by not teaching them to survive without you.