Teenager not asking permission...

[peggyfromwastate]

Well this forum has been not too active LOL! And it's one of my favorite forums of all time!!

(Disclaimer- this is not a private forum-- at least I don't think it is...)

We are just back from our only little summer vacation as a family- an island hop for a week. Now most of the kids are pretty busy with school (Ds13 has year round school, dd8 is in summer school for fun, dd15 is super focused on her summer homework, Dh is at work, and I'm trying to get ready for DD21!!! who is coming to visit soon.) BUT Ds15 thinks he has nothing but free time on his hands.

He has a group of friends ("the guys") and they hang out every day. Which is fine, I guess, but I'm not sure how responsible they are. Ds15 went out today with "the guys" early in the morning, and he gave me no information, and isn't reachable by text. The GPS tracking on his cell phone shows him on some trail on the other side of the mountain, but out of cell range right now. Clearly this isn't OK with me... Since I didn't even know he'd left our hometown. So, he's basically about a 2 hour bus ride plus a hike away, never asked permission to go so far away, etc. He left when I was taking dd8 to summer school, and basically told me he was bringing his extra cell batteries so I can reach him... Not if he's off the grid!

He's going to say, "Well, you never told me I need to ask permission" or "you never told me I need to check in". He thinks because he takes the bus, he can go wherever, whenever. He's going to try to pin Dh against me on this one, as he's been super manipulative in the past like this. (But dh and I are working on it, and that's been a big focus of the marriage therapy is how to provide a united front against this kind of manipulation, principally at the hand of Ds15.)

So this is partly a vent, but partly also a question to ask if you have any advice about what's reasonable for teenagers on summer break? I remember hanging out with my friends a LOT when I was a teen, but we had nowhere to go and just went from one person's house to another person's house. We went camping sometimes, but that was with a lot of planning and my parents knew where/when/who. I would say that I had a lot of freedom as a teen (probably more than I should have, as some of the "camping" trips were... well...).

With Dd21, when she was a teen (oh ds15 reminds me SO MUCH of her, and those were just very harrowing years) we really hounded her to know what/where/when/who. But that was pretty much just me, as Dh was in residency/fellowship those years and largely not part of the parenting equation.

Ds15's friends aren't into drugs, and mostly they just go hiking, or go to the beach. But I need to know The Plan!!! I'm worried!

Can I mention that he has an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts, too? And he's a type-1 diabetic? Who doesn't manage it well? Yeah. Parenting...

[scrub-jay]

I don't have any teens yet, but sending you some ((hugs)). I wish I had better (any) advice. Good luck!

[SoonerTexan]

The expectation for my parents for any child living at home (even on college breaks) was that we told them where we were and checked in if it was late. I thought that was reasonable. Shit would go down if we didn't.

[Meenah]

I remember fighting this battle too! I only have hugs to send. The allergies and Diabetes would be a deal breaker for me, in knowing where and with who and checking in.

[peggyfromwastate]

Well it's a fine line to walk bc he's so sensitive about T1D and the peanut allergy. The T1D has been a tough battle this year.

I texted his friend who apparently has a better signal than we do, and told him all Ds15's health issues to watch out for lol. Ds15 is going to just be so irritated that I did that, but dude. Not cool.

And when I finally got ahold of him I asked him WTH!? and when did this plan come together? Apparently Last Night the guys all thought to go on this hike on the other side of the mountain. And... not tell me? Ask me???

Yeah, shit's going down. Teens are so annoying at times.

[Thirteen]

If you disappear and I can't get ahold of you, you become Amish for a few days-week, depending on the offense. 😂


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[spaz]

Part of what makes 15yo boys so irritating is the fact that they are becoming men and they do EVERYTHING that they can to separate from Mom! From 13-16, I really had to bring in dad to handle some things. The other thing is that I didn't nag or get emotional. I might sit down with him and say, "How would you feel if I just disappeared and you had no idea where I was?" Do you think it is important to be able to get in touch with me if you need me? Then I might talk about how adults treat other adults. My husband knows where I am pretty much anytime. We touch base with each other if schedules change. I did the same thing with roommates in college. It is an adult skill.

As far as the allergies, you are going to HAVE to transition into his taking responsibility for himself. Sorry, but I think calling his friend was a mom fail, it makes him look weak in the eyes of his friends which he is going to HATE. Instead, you have to partner with him. Ask him to help you solve a problem. You are becoming an adult. I will always be your mom and will always worry about you. I don't want to smother you and I know that in a couple of years you will be out on your own and you will have to handle your own health. So can you help me? I know some of it is just mom worry, but I love you. Do you have any ideas about how you can help me not worry so much?

Start treating him like a man. Do NOT get emotional. Sit down with him and come up with adult like boundaries and then the consequences if he breaks them. Going somewhere without letting you know/checking the family schedule is NOT ok. It wouldn't be ok for your husband to do.

That has worked best with my boys now ages 22 and 20, especially the middle one. If I treated him like a child or took things personally, it was pretty likely to escalate. Treating him like a man really helped.

[spaz]

Another thing to consider, he will be out of your house in 3 years. Where is he now and how do you want him to be when he leaves your house. You have to slowly let out the reigns to let him get there. My middle one talked to me about the fact that we were SO strict, much more strict than their friends when they were younger. However, we were much looser than their friends when they were older. Showing responsibility begat giving more responsibility. By the time they were seniors, I never checked grades, didn't have a curfew, etc. That said, they were quite responsible. So if he isn't responsible now, how can the two of you get him there?

[SoonerTexan]

Also...3 teens and one young adult. Jeez lady.

[spaz]

About the mom fail thing.... I cannot tell you how many times I blew it with particularly my middle son. The laying down the law, getting in his face, etc had the opposite effect of what I wanted. When he feels shamed, he lashes out. ( A quality he now recognizes and has begun to work on.)

At the end of the day, my idea was to have a goal of where I wanted them to be when they left the nest, and figure out how they needed to get the skills to do that. Sometimes that meant falling on their face. Now I realize, his allergies/diabetes are life threatening and you do not want to do that. However, they will still be life threatening when he is 18 and a freshman in college and you don't have a clue what he is doing. So how can you help him gain the skills he needs to manage that on his own? Hope I'm making sense. Just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was condemning...only commiserating. Been there and done that with frustrating teens!!!

[peggyfromwastate]

Well his friends all had told their parents what the plan was. Ds said he "ran out of time" to tell me. I think he thought I'd say "no". So, it was made clear that telling us ahead of time is necessary. I already said that adults who live together advise where they are going, etc. It's common courtesy and respect. And, "if you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult."

He's overwhelmed and feels the stress that teens feel-- like every decision is so monumental and will shape his life forever. He's easily the most emotional of my kids. He had a big breakup last year that just caused him to sob uncontrollably for about 4 days straight and brood around for another 2 weeks. Right during exams, etc. Consequently his GPA is crap and he feels like his options are limited, which they are now.

So he refuses to consider community college, and I just throw my hands up bc he's only 15 and... well he doesn't need to have his whole life figured out yet. Community college is awesome, imho. But to him it's a failure.

Dh has been doing a lot of the heavy lifting with him. But dh is deploying this winter so... it's gonna be rough.

I'm very cynical and logical, it is hard for me to relate to his emotional-charged nature. Also, School was so easy for me, and balancing lots of stuff has always been doable.

I didn't have anxiety in high school and all my kids have anxiety now. Dh didn't have anxiety either. The high-stakes testing, the mentality that everything you do now determines your future, the hyper-importance of every single test... it's just overwhelming the kids. It makes it so hard to offer a calm, steady, this is not the end type of perspective when teachers, admin, and friends are all screaming "this is the most important test/class/year of your life!!"

Anyway...

The mom-shaming bit is maybe a bit harsh tbh. Believe me I know all about having him take charge of his health, and be responsible for managing it. I have asked him if he shares his struggles with diabetes with his friends and he honestly tries to hide it. He doesn't like to test in front of them, etc. Since I couldn't reach him, I tried his friend just to check where they were. I know he doesn't need mommy telling him to check sugar, except if he were to go hypoglycemic I'd rather his friends have a clue what is going on. If he's not mature enough to tell them that he's diabetic and what may happen, I guess I feel like I need to make sure they know this. (A 10 hour hike in a remote area is prime for problems.). So no hard feelings, Spaz, but I do feel like parents of kids with chronic issues maybe have to sometimes be a little obnoxious like that. It's simply not worth the "what if" scenario if something were to go wrong, and I hadn't said anything believing that it's better for him to learn to manage his disease on his own...

[MDPhDWife]

Teenager not asking permission...

As the parent of two teens, I'd be pissed if mine took off two hours away w/o permission and I couldn't reach them. Take what I say with a grain of salt though as I'm notoriously strict according to my teens. 🙄


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[OrionGrad]

My parents loosened up as I got older, but at 15 they were still pretty strict. The most trouble I ever got in as a teen was when I rode with a friend's older brother to a football game in a town 20 minutes away without telling my parents the plan. (This was before everyone had cell phones.) I got in more trouble for that than sneaking boys over, drinking, etc. It's only now as an adult that I can see how scary it must have been for them to not know where I was.

If your son was a senior in high school it might be different, but at his age I think your reaction is totally understandable.

[spaz]

Anyway...

The mom-shaming bit is maybe a bit harsh tbh. Believe me I know all about having him take charge of his health, and be responsible for managing it. I have asked him if he shares his struggles with diabetes with his friends and he honestly tries to hide it. He doesn't like to test in front of them, etc. Since I couldn't reach him, I tried his friend just to check where they were. I know he doesn't need mommy telling him to check sugar, except if he were to go hypoglycemic I'd rather his friends have a clue what is going on. If he's not mature enough to tell them that he's diabetic and what may happen, I guess I feel like I need to make sure they know this. (A 10 hour hike in a remote area is prime for problems.). So no hard feelings, Spaz, but I do feel like parents of kids with chronic issues maybe have to sometimes be a little obnoxious like that. It's simply not worth the "what if" scenario if something were to go wrong, and I hadn't said anything believing that it's better for him to learn to manage his disease on his own...

Gosh, I honestly didn't mean to shame... I really didn't. And as I said, he is only 15 and OF COURSE you need to check up. However, what I worked to and what panicked me ( and still does for my oldest) is that they are going to have to manage without me. They just are. I can't be with them. So I wasn't saying you necessarily shouldn't have given its life-threatening nature. But I'm probably thinking of my own situation. I literally asked my oldest's therapist, so how do I know? How can I believe him? He's 22. I just have to. So I am second guessing myself about what I should have done better when he was in high school. But he was my highly compliant straight A child...

I agree that testing has gotten out of control!

Again, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shame. Honest.... Sigh... I should just stay out of online threads. Everyone likes me in person, but I don't butt in like that either. Sorry.

[peggyfromwastate]

Gosh, I honestly didn't mean to shame... I really didn't. And as I said, he is only 15 and OF COURSE you need to check up. However, what I worked to and what panicked me ( and still does for my oldest) is that they are going to have to manage without me. They just are. I can't be with them. So I wasn't saying you necessarily shouldn't have given its life-threatening nature. But I'm probably thinking of my own situation. I literally asked my oldest's therapist, so how do I know? How can I believe him? He's 22. I just have to. So I am second guessing myself about what I should have done better when he was in high school. But he was my highly compliant straight A child...

I agree that testing has gotten out of control!

Again, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shame. Honest.... Sigh... I should just stay out of online threads. Everyone likes me in person, but I don't butt in like that either. Sorry.

No worries!!

Parenting teens is... challenging and honestly many days I feel like it brings out the worst in me...