Talking sex to teenagers - Need advice

[Betty Seymour]

I know this question may sound irrelevant since teenagers nowadays are far well informed about sex from the things they read and see in the internet and movies. But as a parent, I feel we still have the responsibility to talk with them in terms of responsible sex practices. I for one have issues on how to start this with my daughter. Any suggestions?

[PrincessFiona]

How old is your daughter? Depending on her age, you could read a book together and discuss it or just have a plain old fashioned mother/daughter talk session. We're very open as a family and I often talk about these things with my older young adult "children" and have since they were teens. My 11 and 13 year old occasionally comment on something they've heard or seen and I try to use it as an opening to address questions.


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[Betty Seymour]

How old is your daughter? Depending on her age, you could read a book together and discuss it or just have a plain old fashioned mother/daughter talk session. We're very open as a family and I often talk about these things with my older young adult "children" and have since they were teens. My 11 and 13 year old occasionally comment on something they've heard or seen and I try to use it as an opening to address questions.


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Thank you PrincessFiona. My daughter is 14 years old and we come from a conservative family. I guess I am the one that is shy about bringing this up.

[spaz]

We were homeschooling at the time. My daughter was going into 6th grade youth group and I knew she would hear a ton from the public school kids. So I did Passport to Purity from Family Life today. I mention this since you say you are conservative. I did NOT agree with everything in it, but it was a great springboard. http://www.familylife.com/Passport2Purity I got all the stuff that went with it. We drove to Dallas ( 2 1/2 hours away) and stayed at a hotel. She love American Girl dolls at that time, so we went to the store and had lunch with her doll. We went ice skating. It has a schedule and you have conversations and then you do something fun. I remember the first conversation was about friends and choosing good ones. I liked that it had her think through how far she wanted to go when she was dating and how important it was to decide that BEFORE you get into the situation. It has separate sections for boys and girls. It has a journal for her to write in.

Now, it was much, much more conservative than I am. For instance, their son kissed his bride for the first time on the wedding day... Nope, way too conservative for me. But what a great springboard for us to discuss how I felt about dating. Yes, some of the conversations were rather awkward at first. Like I said, that was when she was 12. She is 15, almost 16 now. We have had SO many conversations since then. She asks me questions all the time.. So how did you know what to do on your wedding night? I've talked to her about how sex takes practice. The first time you do it will probably be awkward. It is like learning to play an instrument. Each of you has to figure out the best way to "play" each other's body to make the best sound. ( She plays the violin, so that makes sense to her. She knows how bad it sounded at first.) I talked to her about how she will need to talk to her husband about sex from the very first day... Ask what he liked/didn't like. Tell him what she wants. Start open conversations from the beginning. ( I did NOT tell her that is one of our huge problems.. My husband and I never really talked about sex until maybe 20 years into our marriage. She didn't need to know that.)

We have had so many great conversations over these last several years. I told her the reason why I didn't have sex until I was married. I also told her my story from working at 6 Flags when I was a college student. There was a 16yo boy in the costume character part where I worked who bragged and bragged about his conquests. I had just finished my second year at Baylor. One day we were walking out with the characters and he was shaking his head... he just couldn't believe it. "What?" I asked. "Mary is a virgin!" ( Now Mary was a 16yo kid.) "So, what? So am I." His eyes got SO big.. Then he went..."Oh, is it religious reasons?" "Well, yes, partly. However, I have tons of plans. I want to get my degree. I want to start working. No method of birth control is 100%. So if I am going to have sex, then I need to trust that boy enough to have a baby with him. I have to be willing to take care of a baby. I don't trust a boy enough for that and I just don't have time to take care of a baby. It isn't worth it to derail my goals." He looked at me and said, "Wow, I never thought about that.."

She also knows that she is our "surprise blessing." I was on the pill. I had been on the pill for 15 years with the exception of getting off to have our two boys. So yeah, nothing is 100%

Like I said, I needed something to springboard the conversation and the Passport to Purity worked well for me. I could talk about why I agreed with or why I did NOT agree with the philosophy. I liked a lot of what was said, but not all of it.

Hope that helps.

[Betty Seymour]

Thank you for sharing your story Spaz. It's quite interesting. What I have been doing right now is to find some inspiration in starting a conversation with my daughter. This online site has suggestions on how to deal with this kind of thing. I'm glad that I came up with their parenting article about dealing with teenager's sexuality.

[Ladybug]

Make cupcakes together while talking. It takes the pressure off direct eye contact and allows for natural breaks in conversation to process and read her readiness to keep going. God design for sex is a great series. You can jump to book three and four. Brief talk, cupcakes and give her the books, schedule a date to talk (and bake something extra special) to talk about the books. I'm sure there are other good series too. I also liked the neuroscience of sex book. Talks about the hormonal bonding process and what risks of shutting that off in a hook up culture. I teach female reproductive and sexual health at an all girls school. I teach the course over four classes. I leave no stone in turned. It actually feels really wonderful to talk on such an intimate subject and be trusted to share that information and human experiences. It's a privledge to shape those first conversations and ideas in someone's life. She's lucky to have a mom that wants to talk to her. You both will do great.

[Betty Seymour]

Make cupcakes together while talking. It takes the pressure off direct eye contact and allows for natural breaks in conversation to process and read her readiness to keep going. God design for sex is a great series. You can jump to book three and four. Brief talk, cupcakes and give her the books, schedule a date to talk (and bake something extra special) to talk about the books. I'm sure there are other good series too. I also liked the neuroscience of sex book. Talks about the hormonal bonding process and what risks of shutting that off in a hook up culture. I teach female reproductive and sexual health at an all girls school. I teach the course over four classes. I leave no stone in turned. It actually feels really wonderful to talk on such an intimate subject and be trusted to share that information and human experiences. It's a privledge to shape those first conversations and ideas in someone's life. She's lucky to have a mom that wants to talk to her. You both will do great.

Oh! This is an amazing suggestion. Thank you Ladybug!

[medpedspouse]

My mom was very open and willing to answer any of my questions. She also bought me a couple of books. I don't remember the titles since it was so long ago BUT being the bookworm I was, it was nice to have a place to "research" and find some answers on my own. Sometimes, you do not know what you do not know.

I will tell you the knowledge was empowering. One of the great gifts my mom gave me was this knowledge. I was amazed how many of my COLLEGE friends (not HS) did not know what they needed to know about their bodies much less their partners. Such allowed me to make choices that were best for me and supported my goals.

You are an awesome mom!!

[civilspouse]

Baking during a big talk is a great idea! I'm going to try to tuck that idea away until my kids are older. I am trying to be open and honest as things go along but my oldest is only 7 so we haven't gotten much farther than a baby is made with a seed from the dad and an egg from the mom .


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[medpedspouse]

Baking during a big talk is a great idea! I'm going to try to tuck that idea away until my kids are older. I am trying to be open and honest as things go along but my oldest is only 7 so we haven't gotten much farther than a baby is made with a seed from the dad and an egg from the mom .


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OR you could be like my MIL. Once she had her two boys in the station wagon (with no seat belts of course ) for the two hour road trip to the big city, she would have the sex talk. DH says they could not get away.

[houseelf]

I recommend Dr. Laura Berman's book Talking to your Kids about Sex. It really helps break up the Sex Talk in to mini-talks across the age spans and helps brings up a variety of topics you wouldn't think about bringing up from protecting children from inappropriate adult touching to what constitutes consent to distinguishing real sex from the inauthenticity of pornography. By having these mile marker talks it takes the pressure off having a Single Big Sex Talk. It also helps offer word choice for clear dialogue. I have referred to this book multiple times through the years and it helps me convey the sense that I am interested in all aspects of my children's live, not just the pieces that they think I can handle.

Good luck!