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So many great thoughts in here. MDPhDwife's comment about planning to make them pay for a car then realizing what that entails really struck home. Is that not parenting in a nut shell? I also agree with Sally, there is no hard and fast rules. God knows I've changed my mind on some things.
On one hand, having a driver is AMAZING. As in, you have just received extra hours in your week. On the other hand, it is terrifying. Then there is this unspoken secret about this milestone. I can not convey enough what a division bell day that driving represents in the span of parenting. One day you are driving your kid and their peer group around and inadvertently learning things, feeling connected by even just visually seeing who they are hanging out with, and sometimes if you're lucky, having an actual conversation. Then they drive themselves and you can really slide into the dark. I didn't realize how much of my relationship was "navigated" while driving. (Cracking myself up here).
Addressing the job thing, I said extracurricular or job in HS. No idle time. On one hand, it has been fantastic. He is a fabulous employee, he pays of his own stuff, he realized how freaking lucky he is to live in his bubble when he is making fries next to nonEnglish speaking immigrants who walk to work, and he has learned a new level of appreciation. On the other hand, his grades have slipped, he is gone A LOT and they always try to give him more hours than he wants because of his responsibility, and marijuana usage is prevalent in even the squeaky clean christian based business restaurant environment. I'm not blaming but trying to keep it real here. Honestly, on balance I like the job, but I may wait until even later with the other kids.
RE: money and financial responsibility. Whoa. I'm not sure I even have worked through all of my thoughts on this one. We were burdened with oppressive student loans and didn't want that for our kids and really have provided a lot of $. He buys gas when his Grandma isn't slipping him a $20. Overall, the oldest has paid for a smart phone and a laptop on his own as well as his spending money. He's not a great saver and likes all the electronic gizmos that teenage boys like. It is a cause for concern. For reasons that exceed the scope of this conversation, I have recently decided that I will make him take out a loan for tuition for college. The money is there to pay for it, but let's just say my gut and some recent experience tells me that he needs to have skin in the game. I hope to pay this off, but he needs a bit of incentive to take this seriously. Fortunately, he has won significant scholarship $, so it shouldn't be too much even if he screws around.
Interestingly, my daughter is a saver and much more of a rule follower. I'm not sure I will have to incentivize her as much. You know how you complained that your parents treated you differently? Dude, they had to. You had totally different needs. It is so apparent to me that if she follows her current trajectory, I won't have to ...motivate... her as much.
Good luck and good speed fellow parents of teenagers. This stage is hella challenging and there are fewer clear answers than ever.
On one hand, having a driver is AMAZING. As in, you have just received extra hours in your week. On the other hand, it is terrifying. Then there is this unspoken secret about this milestone. I can not convey enough what a division bell day that driving represents in the span of parenting. One day you are driving your kid and their peer group around and inadvertently learning things, feeling connected by even just visually seeing who they are hanging out with, and sometimes if you're lucky, having an actual conversation. Then they drive themselves and you can really slide into the dark. I didn't realize how much of my relationship was "navigated" while driving. (Cracking myself up here).
Addressing the job thing, I said extracurricular or job in HS. No idle time. On one hand, it has been fantastic. He is a fabulous employee, he pays of his own stuff, he realized how freaking lucky he is to live in his bubble when he is making fries next to nonEnglish speaking immigrants who walk to work, and he has learned a new level of appreciation. On the other hand, his grades have slipped, he is gone A LOT and they always try to give him more hours than he wants because of his responsibility, and marijuana usage is prevalent in even the squeaky clean christian based business restaurant environment. I'm not blaming but trying to keep it real here. Honestly, on balance I like the job, but I may wait until even later with the other kids.
RE: money and financial responsibility. Whoa. I'm not sure I even have worked through all of my thoughts on this one. We were burdened with oppressive student loans and didn't want that for our kids and really have provided a lot of $. He buys gas when his Grandma isn't slipping him a $20. Overall, the oldest has paid for a smart phone and a laptop on his own as well as his spending money. He's not a great saver and likes all the electronic gizmos that teenage boys like. It is a cause for concern. For reasons that exceed the scope of this conversation, I have recently decided that I will make him take out a loan for tuition for college. The money is there to pay for it, but let's just say my gut and some recent experience tells me that he needs to have skin in the game. I hope to pay this off, but he needs a bit of incentive to take this seriously. Fortunately, he has won significant scholarship $, so it shouldn't be too much even if he screws around.
Interestingly, my daughter is a saver and much more of a rule follower. I'm not sure I will have to incentivize her as much. You know how you complained that your parents treated you differently? Dude, they had to. You had totally different needs. It is so apparent to me that if she follows her current trajectory, I won't have to ...motivate... her as much.
Good luck and good speed fellow parents of teenagers. This stage is hella challenging and there are fewer clear answers than ever.
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