Tattling on teens

[Phoebe]

What is your approach when it comes to informing other parents of their teenagers bad choices? I am torn. My 15 yo daughter sometimes has conscious streaming conversations where I learn of her bad behavior which usually includes friends. Sometimes she will straight up show me social media posts of friends sharing inappropriate behaviors and conversations. My first priority is my child, her safety and our relationship (which is in the toilet right now). It bothers me to know things about kids when I would want to be informed by other parents if my child was making bad choices. It also bothers me that my easily influenced child hangs out with others doing harmful things.
Examples having sex, vaping in school, cutting themselves,skipping class, shoplifting and smoking pot. These are freshman.


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[PrincessFiona]

I tend to not go to other parents to maintain a trusting relationship with my teen. I find that the sharing opens up conversations about their feelings and can be used to help them. I have never, not one single time, been happy when I told another parent. In the past, it was taken badly and turned into accusations against me and my child. One woman was a friend and when I came to her with concerns about our boys’ pot use, she didn’t talk to me for a year. She had no problem with the pot use btw.

Kris


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[fluffhead]

I never tell other parents about their kids' bad choices. It would betray my kid's trust when she tells me. I guess if there were an issue of serious self harm or danger to others it would be different.

[houseelf]

100% agree with Fluff and Kris. It has never turned out well for me. Also I work damn hard every day to build my relationship with my kids. I know that it is so fragile. Unless a child is seriously going WAY off the rails (think homicide or suicide), I would not tell. I have had instances where my nonjudgmental attempt to help somehow pierced a parent's willful ignorance and it turned on me. Now I try to take care of my own backyard. It's messy enough as it is.

[Phoebe]

Thanks for the replies. Your replies are consistent with my gut feeling. I just want these jackasses away from peer pressuring my kid.


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[JDAZ11]

No advice. Thank you for having this conversation while my kids are young. Mental note made!


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[Amy]

QUOTE=PrincessFiona;834621]I tend to not go to other parents to maintain a trusting relationship with my teen. I find that the sharing opens up conversations about their feelings and can be used to help them. I have never, not one single time, been happy when I told another parent. In the past, it was taken badly and turned into accusations against me and my child. One woman was a friend and when I came to her with concerns about our boys’ pot use, she didn’t talk to me for a year. She had no problem with the pot use btw.

Kris


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[spaz]

Pleae, please, please tell me if my kid is doing something like that. I guess one girl's choice affected my kid and yes, I went to the mom. She was great about it. Our two girls are still friends. I would want to know... We had a different family friend tell us something very difficult about a kid. I am so glad they didn't keep it to themselves... but then again it involved their kid as well . But they found out from something they heard and investigated. Just my side.

[MrsK]

Pleae, please, please tell me if my kid is doing something like that. I guess one girl's choice affected my kid and yes, I went to the mom. She was great about it. Our two girls are still friends. I would want to know... We had a different family friend tell us something very difficult about a kid. I am so glad they didn't keep it to themselves... but then again it involved their kid as well . But they found out from something they heard and investigated. Just my side.

Yes! I routinely ask other parents to gossip about my kids. Please let me know if you see them getting into trouble.


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[PrincessFiona]

Yes! I routinely ask other parents to gossip about my kids. Please let me know if you see them getting into trouble.


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Not telling a mom doesn’t mean you’re gossiping about them or their child. Who has time for that. I used to feel like you do, but a few encounters with other parents set me straight. Not every parent wants to know. Sometimes those who say they do become very defensive. I think it’s a tough call to make tbh.


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[MrsK]

Not telling a mom doesn’t mean you’re gossiping about them or their child. Who has time for that. I used to feel like you do, but a few encounters with other parents set me straight. Not every parent wants to know. Sometimes those who say they do become very defensive. I think it’s a tough call to make tbh.


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I know. I use the word “gossiping” tongue in cheek, But really, I appreciate it when I get calls from other parents provided that they aren’t being judgmental. And I do call other parents but only once I’ve gotten an idea of how they’ll react. I know that there are definitely some parents who don’t want to hear it. K1 had trouble with a boy at school last year whose mom has been a totally bitch every time I’ve met her including the time I had all the moms in the class over for drinks. In that case, I let the principal deal with it. But in the case where K1 was getting into trouble with the son of a teacher at the school who I knew was on the same page as me, I made a call. She responded that she was just about to call me as she discovered the mischief around the same time I did.


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[PrincessFiona]

I want to know if my kids are acting up. Through the years, I’ve found out that other adults knew things and didn’t tell me. It upset me at the time. There is no way I can correct my child’s behavior if I don’t know about it.


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[civilspouse]

I imagine it’s pretty tough with teens. I’m not there yet as a parent but thinking from my perspective of having been a teen I would not talk to the other parents. It seems like the fragile parent teen relationship and the trust is more important. We’ve been having some family discussions about tattling vs telling with my young kids. Who knows what I will do when I get there but I think I’d like to take the approach that telling is when someone is in danger, might get hurt etc. In those cases I’d speak up but otherwise I think I’d try to encourage my child to make good choices for themselves and set an example to encourage their friends to do the same. Easy to say since I’m years away from teen stuff and I’m sure there is a lot of grey area not to mention my oldest is a follower and I think peer pressure is going to be rough.


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[Pollyanna]

This is one of those things that changes drastically once kiddos hit middle and high school. It’s very easy to be on the same page with other parents when our children are in the elementary years but once they hit middle there is a huge gap in how people parent and what they find acceptable. Parents either 1. Don’t want to know 2. Know and want other people to stay out of their business, or 3. Have no issue with what their kid is doing . Sadly it’s part of the isolation that happens as our children get older.

[fluffhead]

Whether or not the other parent wants to know, it's hard enough to get your teen to talk to you about their lives without them worrying about you ratting out their friends. All it takes is one time and they'll never confide in you again.
At least that's my experience.