Kicking themselves out of the nest!!!!

[peggyfromwastate]

Oh my 17 year olds are driving me crazy. They’ve been obnoxious little twits most of the year and now they are both groundedfor the rest of their lives, etc. They are grounded from data on phones, going out with friends, driving...

Meanwhile they just sort of smirk and walk to their rooms. They figured out how to book themselves into enough “mom approved” after school activities that they are never home anyway, so they come home just to get yelled at by me... basically.

I can’t wait for this year to end. Thankfully dh was deployed LAST year- if he weren’t here to witness this nonsense I don’t think he’d believe it. The twins are like different people.

We are now threatening to confiscate some of ds17s money to install security cameras to be able to keep him INSIDE our house at night instead of going on a “run” at 1:30 am. WTF! He disables data on only the life 360 app and it doesn’t alert us. How do we track him? Random drug tests are proving difficult- I found his weed last year just after he left for summer camp. 🙄. After that he peed clean once but dh thinks he’s faking it.

Dd17 should be more reliable. She doesn’t have drug issues, but she catastrophizes and is basically paralyzed at times. Her anxiety is off the charts and it makes her very very nasty to the people around her. Also she has a bf this year. She loses her head around him and is trying to control him and it’s just awful. She is having crying fits, alienating herself from her friends, and just proving unstable.

I just want to unplug them and reset them. They were so different even just a year ago. Adolescence sucks. I thought they wouldn’t be so difficult as my first, but they are worse!!!

😫

As it is, we are thinking of making both of them stay home next year and work/gain life experience. This would likely make all the music lessons a wasted effort, jeopardize scholarships, etc. But if they are not ready for life they are not ready. They don’t have “bad” friends they just are crumbling under pressures and it’s manifesting in such awful ways. I don’t know if sending them away would make them grow up or if it would make them worse.

[PrincessFiona]

Oh Peggy. I’m holding you and telling you you are enough. This shit is hard. I remember the early years of parenting as some of the best in my life. I heard moms of older kids talk about this stuff and arrogantly assumed they had failed as parents. Then my oldest turned 15 and dd1 turned 14. Katy Bar the doors. Since then, motherhood has been like lighting myself on fire to keep other people warm. My kids were going to make straight A’s, be responsible ... they were never going to smoke pot. You should have seen me at work when I got the call that the police were raiding our back shed because one of my sons was using it as a “hangout” while I was at work. Sigh. I’ve got your back!

Kris


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[Phoebe]

Kicking themselves out of the nest!!!!

OMG, ladies! Adolescence and teens have brought to my knees more than once. Parenting teens has me on a mental balance beam. The wobbles and balance checks keep me on the brink of falling off regularly. I thought preschool age aggravated me the most. That was a cakewalk compared to middle school and up. Just when I think I have a handle on things, the teen changes it up. I must look like my head is on a swivel. I feel the same range of emotions they do. Rage, disappointment, heartbreak, joy, and exhaustion. Everything is on a bigger scale and instantaneous for this generation of teens. And frankly, I am tired of social media and self-proclaimed parenting experts posting articles and masterclasses on how to best parent your child by forging a relationship with them and keeping them away from Snapchat. I already feel bad enough from the guilt and knowledge that my kid hates me for having boundaries and rules because they aren’t adults. I feel stupid enough because I “don’t get anything” and my life experiences taught me zilch because my child doesn’t have the skill for forward thinking. I feel horrible because one teen puts so much pressure on herself to succeed that she believes it is me who expects so much from her. I want to teach my kids to be responsible adults, love themselves and support them finding their passion in life. They just need to put Prozac in the water. And I hope we can laugh about the teen years in the future.


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[PrincessFiona]

OMG, ladies! Adolescence and teens have brought to my knees more than once. Parenting teens has me on a mental balance beam. The wobbles and balance checks keep me on the brink of falling off regularly. I thought preschool age aggravated me the most. That was a cakewalk compared to middle school and up. Just when I think I have a handle on things, the teen changes it up. I must look like my head is on a swivel. I feel the same range of emotions they do. Rage, disappointment, heartbreak, joy, and exhaustion. Everything is on a bigger scale and instantaneous for this generation of teens. And frankly, I am tired of social media and self-proclaimed parenting experts posting articles and masterclasses on how to best parent your child by forging a relationship with them and keeping them away from Snapchat. I already feel bad enough from the guilt and knowledge that my kid hates me for having boundaries and rules because they aren’t adults. I feel stupid enough because I “don’t get anything” and my life experiences taught me zilch because my child doesn’t have the skill for forward thinking. I feel horrible because one teen puts so much pressure on herself to succeed that she believes it is me who expects so much from her. I want to teach my kids to be responsible adults, love themselves and support them finding their passion in life. They just need to put Prozac in the water. And I hope we can laugh about the teen years in the future.


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Honestly, my favorite people to get together with are over the age of 65. They bring me such hope because I get to hear for the most part that things work out. My older neighbors have confided in me about their kids’ addictions, academic failures, divorces, eating disorders, etc. For the most part, their kids are now doing well. Every time I talk to them, I feel like things will be okay if I can just get through the pain of today. I’m also sick of parenting courses and I’m way over judging or being judged.

It’s all going to be okay!


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[Phoebe]

I am probably extra sensitive because I am waiting to deliver some upsetting news to my DD15 (the one who gives me all the problems) tonight due to someone else’s mistake.


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[JDAZ11]

OMG, ladies! Adolescence and teens have brought to my knees more than once. Parenting teens has me on a mental balance beam. The wobbles and balance checks keep me on the brink of falling off regularly. I thought preschool age aggravated me the most. That was a cakewalk compared to middle school and up.


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I want to cry when I hear/read things like this!!! I’m terrified.


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[rainbabies]

My littles are almost 14 just turned 15 and just turned 16. Dh and I miss the baby phase sometimes. This is hard.


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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I want to cry when I hear/read things like this!!! I’m terrified.


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Me too


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[PrincessFiona]

Me too


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Don’t worry. Not everyone has the same struggles. I have a friend who homeschooled her 2 children. Her 16 year old is starting law school in the fall, and her 12 year old runs his own business. She is an ER doc and her husband is a sahd.


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[PrincessFiona]

Kicking themselves out of the nest!!!!

Also, I have a 15 year old who makes straight A’s, plays multiple sports, does knowledge bowl, and is studying abroad in Melk, Austria next year. He also cooks and cleans.

My 22 year old was hell on wheels for 3 years and now we have a great relationship.

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[peggyfromwastate]

Yes it’s not all terrible!!!

It’s just HARD when they transition from thinking mom is smart/cool/useful to thinking THEY know better. The entitlement culture, peer pressure, social media... it’s intense. They never get a break, and I do want home to be their safe haven. But I want to be appreciated and valued as well.

I just have to keep on swimming. It’s fascinating for my younger kids (10, 14) because this phase has been such a deviation from behaviors/problems of just a year ago. They are both a little afraid of the later teen years now lol!

Dh and I told them that they have to decide soon for college vs stay home/gap year. Colleges send letters almost daily asking for a decision. It’s stressful.

Also my dd17 has broken up with her bf (very unhealthy situation- he’s a good kid but neither of them are ready to focus on anyone other than themselves at present.). Anxiety is high, emotions are high, doors are often slammed...

We are going to Maui next week so hopefully a little time away will offer perspective. My dd23 will be there too and the kids just love to flock around her. She’s had a terrible Feb with car trouble zapping her meager savings. So hopefully this will just be a chance for all to breathe, and connect...

[houseelf]

I want to cry when I hear/read things like this!!! I’m terrified.

Run the mile that you are in. Otherwise you run the course twice.

Beside, I *promise* you, you can not predict what will happen.

As stated above, the lows of raising adolescents are breathtaking. But the highs are amazing. My kids are freaking hilarious and seriously good people. I mean, granted they're in their egocentric, clueless, absolutely terrifying adolescent stage, BUT underneath the layers of crazy are really good peeps that I enjoy being around. Getting past those layers is magical. It happens every now and again and restores my hope.

My advice is to take great care of yourself. Let's be honest, teenagers going to do what they do anyway. You could be the most amazing parent ever, read all the books, have all the talks, and they make their choices. It's challenging because parenting starts as this super intensive, top-down endeavor where you are responsible for everything. Ultimately, you become responsible for nothing. Concede control.

What the universe is HELL BENT on teaching me is that I am not in control (sadly). I can only control myself. Sure, I can advise, put boundaries down, enforce consequences, etcetera. But ultimately, the older they get...it's on them. It is so hard to practice loving detachment. I literally remind myself to do so everyday by reciting the serenity prayer. Truly the culture is toxic for these kids. People are lying if they think there is a fail safe method. We just have to have a bit of faith in them and ourselves. I'm in this stage where I *adore* hearing stories about Will Ferrell living in his parents' basement before making it big, Oprah getting fired, JK Rowling being a single welfare mom, Morgan Freeman being a drug addict, etcetera ad infinitum. I need to hear that big screw ups are sometimes part of an amazing story arc. That's the gig.


The other thing to keep in mind is that the really hard stages change and morph. Sure, sometimes the stages get worse, sometimes they just change into something different, but sometimes they get better. It doesn't always look like this. Everything is just a stage.

Finally, @Peggy, I hear you. Senior year was probably my worst year of parenting. Everyone else is posting these bittersweet memes, beautiful party pictures, and nostalgic baby photos with grad announcements. It was so anti-climactic. My son and I fought more than I care to admit. Picking out a Prom tux took 20 minutes. He didn't even want a party. I only share this information in case someone else has this experience too.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. I do hear grand parenting is Ah-mazing though. Besides, we can be those know-it-all obnoxious MILs who forget about the reality of life in the trenches and offer tons of unsolicited advice.

[Elchorrito]

Run the mile that you are in. Otherwise you run the course twice.

Beside, I *promise* you, you can not predict what will happen.

As stated above, the lows of raising adolescents are breathtaking. But the highs are amazing. My kids are freaking hilarious and seriously good people. I mean, granted they're in their egocentric, clueless, absolutely terrifying adolescent stage, BUT underneath the layers of crazy are really good peeps that I enjoy being around. Getting past those layers is magical. It happens every now and again and restores my hope.

My advice is to take great care of yourself. Let's be honest, teenagers going to do what they do anyway. You could be the most amazing parent ever, read all the books, have all the talks, and they make their choices. It's challenging because parenting starts as this super intensive, top-down endeavor where you are responsible for everything. Ultimately, you become responsible for nothing. Concede control.

What the universe is HELL BENT on teaching me is that I am not in control (sadly). I can only control myself. Sure, I can advise, put boundaries down, enforce consequences, etcetera. But ultimately, the older they get...it's on them. It is so hard to practice loving detachment. I literally remind myself to do so everyday by reciting the serenity prayer. Truly the culture is toxic for these kids. People are lying if they think there is a fail safe method. We just have to have a bit of faith in them and ourselves. I'm in this stage where I *adore* hearing stories about Will Ferrell living in his parents' basement before making it big, Oprah getting fired, JK Rowling being a single welfare mom, Morgan Freeman being a drug addict, etcetera ad infinitum. I need to hear that big screw ups are sometimes part of an amazing story arc. That's the gig.


The other thing to keep in mind is that the really hard stages change and morph. Sure, sometimes the stages get worse, sometimes they just change into something different, but sometimes they get better. It doesn't always look like this. Everything is just a stage.

Finally, @Peggy, I hear you. Senior year was probably my worst year of parenting. Everyone else is posting these bittersweet memes, beautiful party pictures, and nostalgic baby photos with grad announcements. It was so anti-climactic. My son and I fought more than I care to admit. Picking out a Prom tux took 20 minutes. He didn't even want a party. I only share this information in case someone else has this experience too.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. I do hear grand parenting is Ah-mazing though. Besides, we can be those know-it-all obnoxious MILs who forget about the reality of life in the trenches and offer tons of unsolicited advice.

Lol your MIL comment just made me view mine in all new light! She's loving telling me what to do! And she has earned the right.

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[peggyfromwastate]

We had a nice dinner where everyone was home- that’s so rare. We didn’t talk College, didn’t talk boyfriends/girlfriends. Just a nice dinner full of laughter.

It’s the small stuff...

I also made an outline for each kid of their options to help guide us through the conversation. I remember with dd1 every time I asked her about college she bit my head off- until she decided. Then she was back to normal. So, there’s hope.

[PrincessFiona]

We had a nice dinner where everyone was home- that’s so rare. We didn’t talk College, didn’t talk boyfriends/girlfriends. Just a nice dinner full of laughter.

It’s the small stuff...

I also made an outline for each kid of their options to help guide us through the conversation. I remember with dd1 every time I asked her about college she bit my head off- until she decided. Then she was back to normal. So, there’s hope.

Yay! That’s so nice!


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