Boyfriends in bedrooms?

[Ladybug]

I told my 16 yo that her boyfriend can come over but they need to hang out in family spaces. No bedrooms with the door open. She keeps pushing me for whys and telling me other parents are fine with it? It was a rule when I grew up in my house. Thoughts?

[mommax3]

This parent isn’t fine with it! 😉 Stick to your guns. If they’re having sex (or wanting to), they can find a way if they’re determined enough, but you aren’t obligated to make it easy for them.


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[L.Jane]

Something that my mom said to me actually worked. She said that your room is your safe space and that in the event if he breaks your heart, your room will be a place you can go that will have no memories of him in it. You could try that?

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[Ladybug]

OMG. I love that. Thank you!!

[MrsK]

Once when I came home from college, a friend from high school was visiting. He was gay and my mom knew that. She still wouldn't let us hang out in my room. She said it was because I had younger siblings and she didn't want them influenced. Of course, that had relaxed by the time my brothers were in college.....


She recently asked me if I had "rules" about that when a former babysitter (now a 24yo nurse) made plans to visit with her long term boyfriend. Whether I'd let them stay together in our guest room. Given that it's common for people to live together before marriage, I thought her question was very old fashioned.

For the time being, I just tell my kids that we don't bring guests of any kind upstairs. It's always been the rule at birthday parties and playdates because we can't supervise the kids well, assure that they aren't snooping in our bedroom, etc. I'd probably keep that as a general rule when they get older. I have bigger concerns about our basement rec room. I can imagine the shenanigans that would be happening in there.

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[houseelf]

I'm a fairly open minded parent who tends to give my kids freedom but this is a no for me, FWIW. Don't get me wrong, I know that kids find other ways to do bedroom things in other parts of the house or cars or other spaces, but I'm not ok with unrestricted bedroom access under the age of 18. This may be an unpopular sentiment on this website, but I may feel differently with an older college student or young adult if they are respectful and in a long term relationship. I've thought about this with my college sophomore who may want to bring his long term GF home at some point. I'm trying to take the long view on my relationship with him.

Try to keep in mind your oldest is a role model for younger kids. I *promise* you, her younger siblings will say, "...but L did it!" It sucks but you are making decisions for a looooong time.

To be fair, through the years my kids have told me that they know HS kids whose parents have smoked marijuana with them, purchased sex toys to use in their relationships, and hosted co-ed sleepovers. My daughter had one friend who was prohibited to date, hang out with boys alone (even friends), or wear anything above the knee until at least age 16. The mom's stated goal was no boys before 18. Of course, this girl had a secret stash of thong underwear, had a long term secret boyfriend without the help of a trusted adult to help guide her, and engaged in stuff before my daughter. (Don't EVEN get me started in her judgy-Mcjudgerson mom who lived in hard core denial). Conversely, my daughter's other friend was allowed at age 15 to have her boyfriend practically move into her bedroom and go on family vacations. I don't know, I'm trying to stay somewhere between the lines of acknowledging the reality of their world but not endorsing/promoting it. I'm not sure I always navigate this well, but that is the goal.

Good luck and god speed. Raising adolescents is no joke. I mean, crimeny, how in the hell do you all do this?

[Pollyanna]

Oh the multifaceted issues of parenting young adults.

The short answer, “nope, no members of the opposite sex in your room”.

Of course a short answer to your 16 year old is not going to be sufficient and they’ll read all sorts of stuff into that because they’re 16.

Start asking her questions. Why is it so important to HER that they’re allowed to hang out in her room? Is SHE feeling pressured from her boyfriend? Is he saying things to her like, “come on, can’t you get your mom to let us be in your room?” FYI: this goes both ways. I also know girls that pressure boys in the exact same way, so moms of boys don’t think you don’t need to have this discussion as well. Anyway. Make sure she isn’t feeling pressured. Her comments about “all the kids do it” indicate to me that’s she can be influenced by others. Talk to her about that. If it was me I’d tell my kiddo that the fact that they even brought that up to me as an argument gives them an immediate lose.

Like Kelly mentioned. Like it or not, she is a role model. Maybe she has the most healthy relationship of two 16 year olds ever but that doesn’t mean her sisters or brother will. Just like you are creating boundaries for her for protection she needs to be part of that for her siblings. Her actions do have a downstream effect. And for the record, the actions of younger siblings have an upstream effect so they have to be role models as well, no one escapes that role. She is a sister before she is a girlfriend.

Circle back to HER why. If boyfriend isn’t pressuring and she takes the “other kids are doing it” out of the equation, why? What makes her room so special? What specifically is she looking for? How can you help her achieve that goal not in her room? Remind her that this can be a win-win.

Don’t make this about sex. This is about boundaries for her and for everyone in the house. Your room is a private and intimate space for you. Sex is a separate issue all together. We all know that removing the bedroom doesn’t decrease the chances they’ll have sex. But it does decrease the safety your daughter has within her own home.

Then stand strong. Don’t make this a fight and don’t allow her to bring you into one. Tell her you are 100% always willing to readdress the issue and have a discussion but you’re not changing your mind because you have valid reasons and know things that she cannot possibly know yet at 16.

Good luck mama!!

[houseelf]

^So much wisdom there.

[Ladybug]

Thank you!! I feel more empowered. It’s so weird with T out of the house too. I don’t think she would challenge us together, and I feel like I’m doing this on my own (I am).

She has said that our family is crazy, big and embarrassing. She thinks the younger sibs will stalk her and make things awkward. She told me not to “overdo” it. No snack plates apparently. If she continues to challenge me I’ll ask her more questions about her reasons.

I told her about the bedroom safe space and she seems to be thinking about that.

I also said it’s about basic manners and meeting the family. It’s rude to just shut yourself off in a room. Small talk and meeting families is a skill and an art important for them both of them to learn. In a world with our phones in our faces it’s a bit unnerving for them I think.

I really appreciate each and every pearl of wisdom offered to me. Such new territory.

[Ethan1989]

That's Nice you have to take care