The Medical Marriage: Sustaining Healthy Relationships for Physicians and Their Famil

[Liisi]

I just purchased this book and started reading it and am unfortunately quite disappointed. As a woman partnered with a woman (who's a physician), I can't relate to much about this book. My partner doesn't match most of the descriptions of doctor behavior and personality, nor does our relationship fit into any of the eight types of relationships the authors talk about. I have yet to find a single reference to gay or lesbian relationships. The book assumes that every female is partnered with a male. As far as I know, there are no books about or forums for doctors (or doctors' spouses) in lesbian relationships. Argh. I might have to freakin write one myself sometime. Feeling frustrated.

[ladymoreta]

Argh. I might have to freakin write one myself sometime. Feeling frustrated.

You should! And Kris's publishing company can publish it!

I'm sorry, though. I wish there were more resources for you and your partner. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Writing one yourself is not a bad idea Two major faults that I can immediately identify from reason the description on Amazon: it was written over 12 years ago, and it seems to focus more on families or couples who would want families. Because I'm on my phone, I can't see the "other people also looked at" suggestions. While you're in a unique situation, it's probably not as unique as you'd think - I'm sure there would be a market for your perspective!

Also, I'm sure if all of us here read that book - regardless of age/gender/etc, not all of us would fit into one of the 8 types, either. All of our relationships are unique. I know that there are certain aspects of other people's relationships with their SO that would not work for me, but those same people might have a parenting style I really like. Don't get too caught up in fitting into a mold - take the helpful bits and pieces that you want and leave the rest!

It's easy to be discouraged when you feel like no one understands, but no one understands your entire relationship except you There are lots of people who want to try and understand, or can really really relate to certain facets of your life (like us!)

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Out of curiosity, what were the 8 types? I would recommend starting another thread and see what type people feel like they fit into!

[Thirteen]

Out of curiosity, what were the 8 types? I would recommend starting another thread and see what type people feel like they fit into!

Good idea!

And L, I think you should write a book.



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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Out of curiosity, what were the 8 types? I would recommend starting another thread and see what type people feel like they fit into!

I agree, I'm interested!

I don't feel like I fit the common mold of medical spouses I've met in real life - most, if not all, do not work full time once they have children. The idea of a FT career involving business travel is absurd to them (and they've often said as much). Luckily, this lovely group of people includes several FT working partners of physicians so I feel a little more "normal". I'm not saying my situation is analogous to yours because I know it's not but just to encourage you that the mold can be hard to fit in general!

I'm sure it is frustrating for you though since you feel like NONE of this is written for you. I better you could write a great book on the subject! Does your partner have any colleagues with same sex spouses?

[Liisi]

Thanks for your support, everyone!! TandS, either there aren't many LGBT people at the hospital my partner works at, or it just isn't a topic many people are open about. All new physicians are interviewed and photographed for a one-page profile in the hospital newsletter, and many of the photos are of the physician and his/her (opposite gender) spouse and children. When it was my partner's turn to be interviewed and photographed, she was unsure about whether to even mention that she has a partner/include me in it. She was worried that it wouldn't be "acceptable." We live in a very liberal community, and gay marriage is legal here, and she and I are very open about our relationship with friends and family and in our community... but she has the sense that at work, it might be different. It's tricky. A few patients, I'm sure, would be angry to have a lesbian doctor. On the other hand, other patients - e.g. other LGBT people - might seek her out as a doctor. Anyway, she thought long and hard about it, and did tell the interviewer that I'm her partner, and the article included that. She felt better about it when she learned that one of the NPs at the hospital, too, has a female partner.

So - the eight types of medical marriages!!!

1. We're a physician: two people, one medical career. "An ambitious, career-oriented male physician and a nurturing 'good mother' find each other." Wife is nurturer and "stress absorber;" caretaker and "junior partner."
2. The physician and his wife: pleasing others even if it kills them. Caretaker in the marriage is the Type A/high-powered woman who's not a doctor, who has either "sacrificed her career to focus on managing the home and family," or is trying to combine home with her own career. "[the husband's] energy goes into his career and into keeping up with whatever his dynamo wife organizes in their personal life. He may make most or all of the money, but she wields most of the power in the marriage."
3. The physician and her husband: pleasing others even if it kills her. Non-physician husband is supportive of his wife's career "at least at first," but "much less support will be typically offered than a nonphysician wife offers a male physician."
4. Ready, Set, Go! The Physicians and other dual-career couples. "Most often, when two physicians (or a physician and a fellow professional) marry, they create a life that seems like a race." Competition between the spouses - they are both propelled to "constantly expand their life," but neither partner can function as the "stress absorber in the marriage." High-achievers, face-paced life, etc.

Oh crap, the dog just puked on the arm chair. I'll have to write the other 4 later!!! I'll be back!!!

[McPants]

Oooh, cliffhanger!

[peggyfromwastate]

Lol. We are textbook type 2. Completely.

[Liisi]

Okay, 5 through 8. The dog's puke had pink globs of unknown origin in it... not gonna think about that right now!!

5. Chaotic Desperation: when hot reactors kill the love. Hot reactor = someone who "responds to stress with elevated blood pressure and hormonal changes." People who "experience psychophysiological 'spinouts' when frustrated, especially when dealing with relationship conflict."
6. The island man or woman: when cold reactors kill the love. One spouse is "an emotionally distanced, obsessive, logical individual who is not comfortable with intimacy and is a fanatic about control."
7. Too mellow to admit it. Two high achievers like in Ready, Set, Go!, but "they have been taught to feel ashamed of such 'crass' characteristics as hurrying, competing, workaholism, and being controlling of others." "Here the marital struggle revolves around each partner's attempt to outdo the other in maintaining at least a semblance of being 'laid back 60s style' as they manage the drivenness that comes with their big life."
8. Using our good stuff to make it better. "[These couples] dare to call on their high-powered, personality-based coping abilities to counter (rather than compound) their stress loads. More than anything, what distinguishes these couples from less healthy ones is their willingness to create and maintain loving and cooperation and flexibility..." Commitment to "keeping the relationship an enduring, safe arena."

Each relationship type has several pages devoted to it, and I haven't read everything yet - just skimmed the first paragraphs or so.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Eh...I don't really see us as any of them. I had a job before kids, but always really wanted to be a homemaker/SAHM. I don't know if I'd consider myself "career driven", and I wasn't when I was working. I have things I'm passionate about, but WOH is not one of those things.

My role in our marriage is to be a supportive person, and to take care of those things that DH can't do because of the nature of his job. So, I take care of the pooch and the kid and the house, and he makes the dough I'm actually very happy with my life and our distribution of time and efforts. It's actually eerily similar to an email I sent to DH back when we were 19 about where I'd like to be in 10 years...except I thought we'd be having more sex!

[lovelight]

Love the dog throw up hiatus! We are most like 2...

[mommax3]

I would say we could have been Type 2, except that DH isn't willing to be passive on the home front (never has been, even during residency's 100 hour weeks) and we have both always put our relationship first, probably in part because it preceded both of our careers. Since I went back to work, I have honestly been surprised at how supportive DH has been. It is definitely not due to the money I make!

[ladymoreta]

I guess I'd lean towards 8, but it sounds a little goody-goody. For us, it's more like this is just his job. We're going to make choices that allow us to enjoy our lives together as much as possible while not letting a career take center stage.

[diggitydot]

We skew closest to #8, but even that is a stretch. Is there a "Who Gives a Fuck" couple? Because I'm pretty sure that would be us. We don't sweat the small shit, for the most part. If the fam is cool, we're usually fine.