jew funnies

[rainbabies]

You can almost hear this stuff as it was delivered on TV in the 1950s....

Classic Jewish Humor You may remember (if you're old enough) the old
Jewish
Catskill comics of days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields,
Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others.

Here are some examples. Pick your favorite.

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all
night!
I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,"Are you
comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport..

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,
only
this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused.. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,
so
the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs.. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how
do
I stand?" The doctor answers "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here
for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow
responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work
he's out of.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that
Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too
good,"
said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so
weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said,
"That's
terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered.
"Because
I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part
in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part
of
the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself,"
she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

[Vishenka69]

These are so true. Especially these:

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from medical school.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

[Vishenka69]

I remembered a couple more.

Three jewish mothers are having lunch and talking about their children. The first one says, "My son is a doctor." The second one says, "My son is a lawyer." The third one says, "My son is a rabbi." The first two say in unison, "What kind of profession is that for a jewish boy?!?!?"


A jewish man finally became President of US. Around Thanksgiving he called his mother to invite her to spend the holiday with his family in the White House. She complained about traffic and a long drive and having nothing to wear and being too old for such a journey. He finally promised to send Air Force One for her and close down a local department store for her to shop and private number for the chef, so she can discuss the menu with him. After two hours on the phone she finally agreed to have Thanksgiving in the White House. A few minutes after she hangs up, one of her friends calls and asks what she'll be doing for Thanksgiving. The woman says, "You know my son, the doctor? I'll be spending Thanksgiving with the other one."

[rainbabies]

A jewish man finally became President of US. Around Thanksgiving he called his mother to invite her to spend the holiday with his family in the White House. She complained about traffic and a long drive and having nothing to wear and being too old for such a journey. He finally promised to send Air Force One for her and close down a local department store for her to shop and private number for the chef, so she can discuss the menu with him. After two hours on the phone she finally agreed to have Thanksgiving in the White House. A few minutes after she hangs up, one of her friends calls and asks what she'll be doing for Thanksgiving. The woman says, "You know my son, the doctor? I'll be spending Thanksgiving with the other one."

so, so true