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Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours!
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game & you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls & text messages: While I agree that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 3 AM can have much substance or necessity. Also, why would you make me call my ex's, especially when I know for a fact they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone the wee hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball & some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went just a lil too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary & the black 'N blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot, so I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going t o sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I've enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter & the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I'll look for an answer no later than Friday 3 PM (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
PS. Please take a moment or two & note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you;
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh I couldn't...no one wants to hear me sing
First & foremost let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours!
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game & you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls & text messages: While I agree that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 3 AM can have much substance or necessity. Also, why would you make me call my ex's, especially when I know for a fact they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone the wee hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball & some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went just a lil too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary & the black 'N blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot, so I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going t o sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I've enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter & the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I'll look for an answer no later than Friday 3 PM (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
PS. Please take a moment or two & note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you;
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh I couldn't...no one wants to hear me sing
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