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Quotes
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children"--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew Carey
4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find
a woman I don't like and just give her a house."--Rod Stewart
5) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."--Jeff Foxworthy
6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and
a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a
time."--Robin Williams
7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."--Dave Barry
8) "What do people mean when they say the computer
went down on them?"--Marilyn Pittman
9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp."--Bob Ettinger
10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim."--Paula Poundstone
11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say
to the authors of that study: "Duh."--Conan O'Brien
12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."--Lynda
Montgomery
13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
the impersonators would be dead."--Johnny Carson
15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."--Paul Rodriguez
16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law."--Jerry Seinfeld
17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?"--Warren Hutcherson
18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."--Oscar Wilde
19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you
were a member of Congress . . . . but I repeat
myself." --Mark Twain
20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his
wallet."--Robin Williams
22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can
be myself."--Roseanne
23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place."--Billy Crystal
24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you look that says, 'My God, you're
right! I never would've thought of that!'--Dave Barry
25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because Mad
Cow Disease" was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased
Quotes
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children"--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew Carey
4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find
a woman I don't like and just give her a house."--Rod Stewart
5) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."--Jeff Foxworthy
6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and
a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a
time."--Robin Williams
7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."--Dave Barry
8) "What do people mean when they say the computer
went down on them?"--Marilyn Pittman
9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp."--Bob Ettinger
10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim."--Paula Poundstone
11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say
to the authors of that study: "Duh."--Conan O'Brien
12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."--Lynda
Montgomery
13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
the impersonators would be dead."--Johnny Carson
15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."--Paul Rodriguez
16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law."--Jerry Seinfeld
17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?"--Warren Hutcherson
18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."--Oscar Wilde
19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you
were a member of Congress . . . . but I repeat
myself." --Mark Twain
20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his
wallet."--Robin Williams
22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can
be myself."--Roseanne
23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place."--Billy Crystal
24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you look that says, 'My God, you're
right! I never would've thought of that!'--Dave Barry
25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because Mad
Cow Disease" was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased
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