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For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.......
Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.house, 4
inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. If tied to a paint can, however, it is strong enough to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Superglue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time to my
house.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...
True story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for
his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy
Sh*t, a talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.......
Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.house, 4
inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. If tied to a paint can, however, it is strong enough to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Superglue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time to my
house.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...
True story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for
his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy
Sh*t, a talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
So, she put me down for a nap in the room that I shared with my baby brother...AND...I got into the used diaper container and opened up the poopy (ugh!) diapers and SMEARED THEM ON THE WALL! I then proceeded to cake the wall in talcom powder. By the time my mom came into the room...well...it had all hardened into a disgusting mess..They actually had to hire someone to come in and fix the walls because the poop had sort of...cemented itself to the wall.....The moral of this story? Poop and talcom powder are better than drywall!
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