HOUSEHOLD PRINCIPLES FOR CHILDREN FROM THE OLD

A manuscript retrieved from a cave near the Dead Sea
> > has recently been translated, and contains a wealth of
> > information concerning child rearing
> > practices in Israel more than 2000 years ago.
> >
> > HOUSEHOLD PRINCIPLES FOR CHILDREN FROM THE OLD
> > TESTAMENT
> >
> > _Laws of Forbidden Places_
> >
> > Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the
> > sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight
> > you may eat, but not in the living
> > room.
> >
> > Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers,
> > you may eat, but not in the living room.
> >
> > Of the cloven hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you
> > may eat, but not in the living room.
> >
> > Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and
> > of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright
> > color and unknown provenance you may
> > eat, but not in the living room.
> >
> > Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after
> > meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the
> > living room.
> >
> > Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those
> > in sippy cups, you may drink, but not in the living
> > room, neither may you carry such therein.
> >
> > Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
> > carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may
> > not eat, neither may you drink. But if
> > you are sick, and are lying down and watching
> > something, then may you eat in the living room.
> >
> > _Laws When at Table_
> >
> > And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a
> > chair such as a greater person might use, keep your
> > legs and feet below you as they were. Neither
> > raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
> > table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even
> > when you have an interesting bandage to show,
> > your feet upon the table are an abomination, and
> > worthy of rebuke.
> >
> > Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
> > any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that
> > is not what they are for; if you will
> > dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will
> > be sent away.
> >
> > When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain
> > upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and
> > by your teeth hold it to your face in order
> > to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you
> > will be sent away.
> >
> > When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
> > you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your
> > brother or your sister what is within;
> > I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your
> > sister has done the same to you.
> >
> > Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
> > neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
> > raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to
> > you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
> >
> > And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
> > marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in
> > pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
> >
> > And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
> > trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
> > because we do not do that, that is why.
> >
> > Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
> > side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly
> > slid away. Heed me; for if you sit
> > like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now
> > behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
> >
> > _Laws Pertaining to Dessert_
> >
> > For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the
> > plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is
> > clean, then you shall have dessert.
> >
> > But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you
> > have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your
> > peas with each bite consisting of not less
> > than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten
> > where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of
> > your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls
> > eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
> >
> > But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you
> > eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert;
> > and if you eat the peas, yet leave the
> > potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not
> > even a small portion thereof.
> >
> > And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or
> > peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have
> > eaten what you have not, you will fall into
> > iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no
> > dessert.
> >
> > _On Screaming_
> >
> > Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the
> > time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you
> > do not wish to touch each other are touching
> > each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling,
> > while you point to the offense with the finger of your
> > right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only
> > remonstrate gently with the server, that the server
> > may correct the fault.
> >
> > Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which
> > every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
> > off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome
> > to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain
> > from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you,
> > and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound
> > from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor
> > press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made
> > the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself,
> > yet do not die.
> >
> > _Concerning Face and Hands_
> >
> > Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift
> > your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash
> > you off. For the stains are upon you;
> > even to the very back of your head, there is rice
> > thereon.
> >
> > And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the
> > tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
> > distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
> >
> > Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give
> > each finger in its turn for my examination thereof,
> > and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous
> > they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you
> > shall not go hence until I have done.
> >
> > _Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances_
> >
> > Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
> >
> > Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath
> > water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if
> > it be in the package; nor rub
> > yourself against cars, not against any building; nor
> > eat sand.
> >
> > Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that
> > you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the
> > humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
> > between the light and the book. Indeed, you will
> > drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the
> > tape.
> >
> > (the manuscript breaks off at this point)
>

Very cute!