Need advice from experienced wives...

My fiance is an intern in Durham, NC. We are planning our wedding long-distance. As you can imagine, this is extremely difficult to do. Communication has increasingly become a problem... and not because of his schedule. Rather, as my fiance gets more confidence at work, the more it affects our communication. He has only been called "Doctor" for a couple months now, and I honestly think it is starting to go to his head. He is right, I am wrong... about everything. He constantly interrupts me and refuses to let me finish expressing any of my thoughts, concerns, etc. What are the communication dynamics like in your marriages? Do you have to be the "passive" one in the relationship?
Also, his parents both have been divorced several times... should I worry? There are many things that factor into why they divorced, and I know my fiance; we talk about those sort of things... but am I being naive? Please, I need help!
Thanks!

[Michele]

My husband is only in his second year of med school, and I am in my third year of vet school. There is no way I would be the "passive" one in our relationship. We do take turns, some days I just go along with him, some days he just goes along with me...I'll cater to him, he'll cater to me. It hasn't ever been one-sided for more than a day or two at a time.

I do know couples who have a definite dominant person in the relationship, but it requires both people to be ok with it. Because you are questioning that situation it causes some concern for me.

In my experience, children of parents with multiple marriages and divorces tend to be more skeptical about marriage and fidelity.

I think ultimately it depends on you and your fiance. If his "I'm right-you're wrong" attitude bothers you, let him know now. If he won't change or doesn't see anything wrong with it, or he tells you you're imagining it, I would re-evaluate your relationship. If you are the type of person who marries for life, then seroiusly think about whether or not you could handle these qualties about him...for life...

As for: is this a normal change and will he outgrow the "Doctor' complex...I don't know. Neither I nor my husband are at that stage yet and I honestly don't know that many people who are (besides these folks here )...so I defer to the rest of the group for that one.

Hope I've helped some...

[SueC]

It sounds like he needs to be brought back down to earth! I think at the beginning of intern year it can kind of go to their heads a little bit and it takes someone like a spouse to keep them grounded. You definitely don't have to be the passive one. You definitely don't want to lose yourself and if you find yourself in that kind of pattern it is hard to get out of it. I'm naturally passive, but I know when to put my foot down and my husbands knows and respects that. I definitely wouldn't tolerate him interrupting me. I think there is a difference in being flexible when their careers dictate it and being passive in the relationship. I admit that especially when my husband is on a demanding rotation, I let him get away with more at home and I pick up the slack with the house and the kids. Sometimes after that month is over I do have to remind him what his role is. He knows that when I sit him down and pull out a sheet of paper (a list of all of my grievances) that he is in big trouble. He also knows at this point that he will sit and listen, not argue with any of my points, and take stock in what I'm saying. Granted I have to do this maybe once or twice a year, but it works. I'd say now is the time to sit your fiance down and have a talk with him. He may be so caught up in himself and his life as a "Doctor" now, that he doesn't realize what he is doing. Good luck!!!

[fluffhead]

He knows that when I sit him down and pull out a sheet of paper that he is in big trouble.

sorry, this is just too hilarious. I'm sure after that he'll let you know when he needs to go out for a walk.
No offense intended, it just came out funny.

Anyway, as regards the original poster, I agree that you need to let him know that he's not superman after practicing for a half a year. If he can't come down to earth, think about whether you want to be looking up at him for the next fifty years.

[DCJenn]

I do remember saying to my husband at about this time during internship year, "who died and made you God?". They get over it once they realize what they don't know is substantially more than what they do know.

Jenn

Re: Need advice from experienced wives...

He is right, I am wrong... about everything. He constantly interrupts me and refuses to let me finish expressing any of my thoughts, concerns, etc.

I would definitely not take a passive approach to this and address it before you get married. Ask him if he would ever do that to one of his patients. The answer is "no" because it is disrespectful (even if he was right!). Same goes for you. Bottom line is it might have something to do with the title "Dr." but it also has to do with basic respect for others, especially your potential mate for life.

[SueC]

He knows that when I sit him down and pull out a sheet of paper that he is in big trouble.

sorry, this is just too hilarious. I'm sure after that he'll let you know when he needs to go out for a walk.
No offense intended, it just came out funny.
]
I guess it is dorky, but it helps me to organize myself. Otherwise I lose my train of thought and don't get everything that I need to get off my chest said. He knows that is how I operate and it definitely keeps our discussion from exploding into a huge fight. He must figure that if I have taken the time to write it all out, I must be pretty serious.

[SueC]

Can you tell I suck at using the quote feature?

[fluffhead]

I guess it is dorky, but it helps me to organize myself.

no - it wasn't that, it was just that it sounded like you were paper-training a puppy.

I guess it is dorky, but it helps me to organize myself.

no - it wasn't that, it was just that it sounded like you were paper-training a puppy.

Hmmm...that's just what my shrink said! He told me it would take me about 10-15 years to get my husband through "husband school" and that it was like training a puppy--keep putting him back on the paper. It's working so far...

[fluffhead]

Hmmm...that's just what my shrink said! He told me it would take me about 10-15 years to get my husband through "husband school" and that it was like training a puppy--keep putting him back on the paper. It's working so far...

wow!!! I can't believe a male shrink would say that to you. I find that incredibly demeaning. I know many women think like this, but to have it vocalized by a man is pretty awful.

[SueC]

Oh! Now I get it! That's pretty funny!

[mommax3]

I second everyone's opinon that you do not need to be resigned to taking the passive role in your upcoming marriage. The guy needs a reality check, pronto. BUT, this can be a good opportunity to work on handling conflict with him......because no matter how wonderful our spouses are, conflicts are bound to arise. I think you need to be honest with him and talk to him in a non-confrontational way about this issue. Do not allow him to interrupt you!

As for him being the child of divorced parents.....that is a ######## and I think you are the only one in the position to know how that has affected him. Have you two ever considered getting some pre-marital counseling? I know it would be hard since you are apart....maybe a retreat or someting? I don't say this because I consider you guys to be in big trouble, (not at all!) I just think it is something that any couple can benefit from prior to marriage.

I hope things improve......distance makes things so tough!

Keep us posted.

Sally

[Auspicious]

Re: Need advice from experienced wives...

Also, his parents both have been divorced several times... should I worry? There are many things that factor into why they divorced, and I know my fiance; we talk about those sort of things... but am I being naive?

As I am neither married nor the child of divorced parents, I'm unqualified to answer this. Since my father is both successfully married (33 years and they still like each other) and the child of messed-up divorced parents, I'll tell you his advice on this topic:

When I started to realize how totally messed up my boyfriend's family's life is/was, I went to my father and asked him earnestly HOW he managed to become a good parent/spouse without having had a good model of one growing up. Like you, I wanted to know if I was being naive in thinking my boyfriend was going to handle family life well.

My father's take on the situation is that kids from messed up families can certainly have a happy family life in adulthood (obviously) but that they have to make more conscious choices than kids from happy families--they have to think even more carefully about what things will be good or bad for their marriage etc., and he mentioned purposely seeking out other role models (he didn't say who his role models were, but I suspect it was his father-in-law and his favorite uncle). My impression was that he thought family life came more naturally to my mother, who was from a pretty happy family.

I'm glad I had this conversation with my dad, because it led me to ask my boyfriend zillions of questions about his attitudes toward marriage/family/ divorce/commitment/fidelity/parenting/loyalty/duty etc., which I'm sure is a good idea even if you're both from happy families, and which has been very good for us. I think if at least one of you is from a messed-up home, it's better to err on the side of overanalyzing rather than underanalyzing.

So my short answer is No, I don't think you're being naive as long as you're talking about this stuff in-depth.