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CHANGING A LIGHT BULB
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb
Fundamentalist: Zero. If the light blub goes out it's god's will.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light has to WANT to change!
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: Four hundred and sixty-two:
Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
Twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry,
Sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,
Thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs,
Fifty-three to design a blockgrant so the states can change the bulb,
Forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and
two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.
How Many Democrats Does It Take To Change a Lightbulb?
Answer: 5,446
Why?
14 White House Aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows denying that the bulb is burned out.
8 White House Aides to blame the previous administration.
4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.
243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of burned-out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness.
1 First Lady to say that changing the light bulb takes a village.
9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a movie role in which they changed light bulbs.
15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.
103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C. really knows how to change a light bulb.
1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new federal programs to prevent burned-out light bulbs, and that he has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his childhood in Arkansas.
42 Cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned-out bulb.
1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.
1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of changing a light bulb.
2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly able to change their own light bulbs.
1 Dead White House lawyer, who can be blamed for anything, that can't be pinned on the Republicans.
1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no one else knows anything about.
5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light bulbs.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb
Fundamentalist: Zero. If the light blub goes out it's god's will.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light has to WANT to change!
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: Four hundred and sixty-two:
Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
Twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry,
Sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,
Thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs,
Fifty-three to design a blockgrant so the states can change the bulb,
Forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and
two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.
How Many Democrats Does It Take To Change a Lightbulb?
Answer: 5,446
Why?
14 White House Aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows denying that the bulb is burned out.
8 White House Aides to blame the previous administration.
4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.
243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of burned-out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness.
1 First Lady to say that changing the light bulb takes a village.
9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a movie role in which they changed light bulbs.
15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.
103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C. really knows how to change a light bulb.
1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new federal programs to prevent burned-out light bulbs, and that he has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his childhood in Arkansas.
42 Cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned-out bulb.
1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.
1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of changing a light bulb.
2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly able to change their own light bulbs.
1 Dead White House lawyer, who can be blamed for anything, that can't be pinned on the Republicans.
1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no one else knows anything about.
5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light bulbs.
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