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My mom sent me this...I have tears streaming down my cheeks from laughing so hard...this is outrageously funny:
> One Woman's Tale of Woe
>
> All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
> painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
> wax.
>
> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
> play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
> my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
> of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my
> demise: the bathroom.
>
> It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
> just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
> them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
> else) and you
> pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
> mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
> this out. (YA THINK!?!)
>
> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
> stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
> I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
> ("Cold wax,"
> yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
> it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
> wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
> I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
> extraordinaire.
>
> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
> sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
> championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
> my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down
> to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip), I inhale
> deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
>
> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
> Vision
> returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
> CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
> spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
> crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
>
> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
> me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
> the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
> There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
> hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
> wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
> which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
>
> Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
> on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
> DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
> Vagina?
> Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
>
> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
> think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
> pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
> wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
> immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
> wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
>
> I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
> torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
> the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
> having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
> scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
> I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself
> to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
> ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
>
> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
> secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
> - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
> but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
> exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
> who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her
> the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
> YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night!! While
> we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a
> razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
> hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
> dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
> By now the
> brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure
> I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
>
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
> really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
>
> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
> friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
> works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
> I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
> grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
> IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
> Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
> Next week I'm going to try hair color......
> One Woman's Tale of Woe
>
> All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
> painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
> wax.
>
> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
> play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
> my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
> of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my
> demise: the bathroom.
>
> It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
> just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
> them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
> else) and you
> pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
> mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
> this out. (YA THINK!?!)
>
> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
> stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
> I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
> ("Cold wax,"
> yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
> it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
> wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
> I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
> extraordinaire.
>
> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
> sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
> championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
> my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down
> to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip), I inhale
> deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
>
> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
> Vision
> returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
> CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
> spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
> crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
>
> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
> me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
> the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
> There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
> hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
> wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
> which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
>
> Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
> on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
> DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
> Vagina?
> Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
>
> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
> think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
> pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
> wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
> immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
> wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
>
> I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
> torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
> the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
> having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
> scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
> I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself
> to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
> ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
>
> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
> secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
> - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
> but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
> exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
> who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her
> the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
> YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night!! While
> we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a
> razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
> hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
> dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
> By now the
> brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure
> I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
>
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
> really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
>
> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
> friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
> works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
> I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
> grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
> IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
> Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
> Next week I'm going to try hair color......
I'm crying, I'm laughing so hard!!! Wow, thanks for bumping this up.
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