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I like monkeys

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  • I like monkeys

    I like monkeys.

    The pet store was selling them for 5ยข a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

    I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

    I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

    Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

    I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

    I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

    I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

    I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

    I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

    I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

    Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

    I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

    I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

    I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

    I like monkeys.

  • #2
    Tracy - this is quite an insight into your sense of humor. And mine. That was funny. In an unnerving sort of way. Let's just say I'm REALLY glad you're not my secret santa.

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    • #3
      Read it out loud.

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      • #4
        Did you say that just to see if I would actually read it out loud? I did - I don't get it.

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        • #5
          Damn it Tracy....that is the funniest thing I have read in awhile....thanks! I just had a root canal(apicoectomy actually) on Wed, my jaw is swollen so bad I can hardly talk...but this laugh was worth it. Thanks again!

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          • #6
            Loved it, though I didn't read it aloud. Is it even funnier out loud? My dh was getting ready for work in the next room when I read it and I didn't want him to think I'd lost my mind.
            Awake is the new sleep!

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            • #7
              Trying to read it out loud to DH made me laugh so hard I was tearing up.

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