Hard questions - please - I need your help

[JaneDoe]

I can't speak about the life of a surgical resident, but I can address life in Hershey, Pa. We just moved from there and we miss it! We lived there for 8 years and loved it. For us, the only real problem with Hershey actually had nothing to do with the town itself, rather the fact that all of our family lived on the other end of the country.

I understand your concern about moving to a foreign place (I was in your shoes once), but try looking at it as an adventure. Hershey is so close to NYC, Washington D.C. and many other places. There really is a lot to do there.

The Hershey Medical Center is a great facility. Dh went to medical school and residency and our kids were born there. Obviously, we have sentimental ties to the area. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.

[MrsC]

I think that residency in general sucks but there are some that are harder than others. Surgery happens to be one of them. My H has just switched from surgery to anesthesiology, half way through his second year. Yeah, surgery was tough. We got married near the end of his intern year. For us, PGY2 was worse. In our experience it was the away rotations that had the most call, longest hours etc. The majority of his rotations were like this because he was based in a community hospital. Almost all of his rotations were at other hospitals. It's impossible to generalize and say that all surgery programs are like this. It really depends on the program, how it is run, manpower etc. From what I've heard, programs in academic institutions are more resident friendly.

Like your SO, DH was interested in the academic side of things and critical care. He can still do a fellowship in critical care through anesthesiology. There were a lot of reasons for him leaving surgery. It was a very tough decision to make. Starting out, he LOVED it, it was all he wanted to do. By the end of intern year, he had doubts. He just wasn't a surgeon, it didn't suit his personality.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you really never know what is going to happen. In residency, there are good months and bad months. I think it helps not to look so far into future. I'd go crazy if I kept analyzing what the next few years were going to be like. It takes time to adapt. During intern year, I used to worry a lot more about it than I do now. Just take it as it comes and make the most of your time together. Of course it's doable. It's all a matter of how you deal with it.

[spotty_dog]

I haven't read all the responses but did want to assure you that there's a great cycling community in PA, I bet you'll hook up with other riders quickly and that can be a GREAT way to keep yourself busy when DH is working the long hours!

Welcome!

My DH isn't a resident yet, but wanted to echo other posters that when you uproot your life for your medical spouse, the KEY is to build a life for yourself in the new place ... sounds like your cycling may be a great way to do that!

We are almost at the end of an ortho surgery residency...it has been harder than I could ever have imagined! Senior wives would talk about how hard it was and to be honest in the beginning I was pretty sure that they just weren't as "in love" or "as connected" I soon learned that it tests every possible bond and connection and then some. The thing is though, we are all atronger than before and we have some truly amazing wonderful friends! DH and I are still in love and connected (although it has been tried and tested a LOT) and we are almost there...you can make it through and come out on the other side in a great place.

I agree that it would be unfair of you to ask him to do anything other than what he has a passion for ...I personally believe that you need to have the love for what you are doing to make it through.

The things I recommend to the Jr wives now are to get invloved with your own life and the new community around you. I worked very hard to form new friendships with the other ortho wives and we are a very close knit group now! They can make all the difference in the big pic. *Warning...develop a thick skin and be prepared to face some rejection in the beginning* This website is fantastic and I only wish I had found it sooner!

your troubles

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness. I will start off by probably not making you feel better, but hopefully by the end I will be able to say something that will make you feel better...

First, my DH (who is finishing up his MS4) had major major major trouble deciding what specialty he wanted to try to match in during his MS3 year. He really loved neurosurgery and deep down really really wanted to go into that field. At that time, I felt like you probably. I didn't really say anything to him but I let him know that I would support his decision no matter what. He ended up applying for radiology instead. His decision feel down to 2 things: 1. He and i were planning on having a family and we also heard the horror stories of surgeons lives and 2. He has a pretty NASTY tremor in his hands (almost to the point of where he should go see a neurologist I say...but...) and he didn't want to attempt to enter a field where steady hands were a necessity. Anyhow, he opted out of surgery. I was HAPPY!! And now we will be moving to Minnesota for his PGY2 and Wisconisin for PGY1.

I ALSO almost had a break down when he applied, and got an interview, in BOSTON for a rad program--(and he ranked it #2!!) Now, he and I are the opposite of most in that we are very "country" folks, so for me to move to a "real" city almost made me have a melt down. I cried at the thought of having to live in a huge city (that is my point of view obviously) So, again, I said to him "if it is important to you, I will make due." And once again, lucky for me he matched in Rochester MN not Boston (thank you Match gods!!) instead.

I hope that I can cheer you up by saying that Pennsylvania is SUCH a beautiful state!! (Again,I am biased because DH is from northeastern PA) He tells me Hershey is very nice, and I don't think it is too awfully far away from Philly (I am not sure about that). It really isn't that cold there, but I guess coming from FL it will be a bit shocking. But to try to look on the bright side--this move is only for 5 years (right??). Non-medical/"regular" people in my life that I have talked to are so jealous because they say we are so lucky to be able to try out a new place for awhile, and then we can move on. Most people aren't that lucky to see new places. They are always stuck in the same place there whole lives. AND another postive quote from one of my personal favorite stories "Life is just life...no matter where you go".

So, don't worry. You will be able to meet new people, probably tons of people whose SO are surgeons just like yours. You will bond and meet new friends and that can't be bad.

Also, its so hard for us SOs of medical professions because we are constantly having to put ourselves second (it seems to me from my mere 4 years of experience). But we have to remember that our SOs are the most altrusitic people on the planet!! They chose to enter the field that is strictly to save people's lives!! That is just amazing. And we should be proud to share our lives with such amazing, unselfish people--it sort of makes us part of the altruistic club too. So be proud of your soon to be DH and make sure he knows how you support him and in return, how he owes you BIG TIME.

I hope my not so organized thoughts can be of some help to you. Please, hang in there. Tomorrow will definelty be a better day. And TRY TO SEE THE POSITIVE IN EVERY DAY!!!

Oh, by the way...as I said before...DH is moving us to Wisconsin from BUffalo NY, right?? BUT here's the catcher...I will be 39 weeks pregnant and due July 4th--thats a mere 3 days after his insurance will hopefully kick in. Oh dear baby PLEASE don't come early, and by early I mean when we are in the middle of our huge move!!!

if nothing else, the daily scent of chocolate and street lamps shaped like Hershey's Kisses should help w/some gloomier moments.

We're here for you.

(Hershey is lovely, btw ... and not too far from "civilization" if you are a city girl).

[Meenah]

Lisa,
I'm sure you are busy with your wedding/moving plans, but I hope you come back to view our comments and let us know how you are doing.
Luanne

Hi everyone!
I want to thank everyone a million times for your wonderful comments and suggestions. I read every single one (several times actually). It's starting to sink in that we're moving to Hershey...I've had my ups and downs these past few weeks: some days crying, other days feeling ok. I know being married to a surgeon is going to be hard work, but Barry assures me that he is going to do everything in his power to make sure I'm happy.

We're going to take a trip to Hershey soon, so we can begin looking for an apartment. We plan on renting the first year and then possibly buying something the next year when we figure out what areas we like. In the meantime, I've been contacting PR (public relations) people in Harrisburg, sending them my resumes, etc. - just so I make sure I have a job when I get up there. There's no way I'm going to sit around the house all day - I'll go crazy.

As for the cycling community in PA - I'm so GLAD to hear about that. I guess maybe I mentioned in my previous post that I am into triathlons - I run, bike and swim every day. I will definitely check out cycling groups when I get up there. There are also lots of tri races in Philly, DC and VA.

Also, Penn State sent me a "Partners in Medicine" handout - of spouses of residents - they are a group that meets monthly. I have emailed several of the women and have gotten some very nice responses, so it's nice to know I'll know some people up there.

Anyways- sorry for disappearing like that, but I was just taking all the comments "in."

Thanks for your support guys, and I hope to be a more frequent visitor on this site in the future. In the meantime, I'm trying to get my butt to the gym to make sure my wedding dress fits (last week I consumed probably every chocolate bar known to man - that's what stress/depression does to ya!)

Is there any way to post a picture on here by the way?
~Lisa~

[Deebs]

It sounds like things are really falling into place for you (you're doing a good job of making sure they do). It'll be really nice to know a couple of people via email before you even get there.

[ud_grad]

Hi! I've just started posting again and I'm married to a 3rd year surgery resident in Philly. I remember feeling exactly like you described in your post the first year (we were married in June, he started residency in July). The first year WAS tough but we got through it. PM or email me if you want to talk offline.

I'll actually be in Hershey with my 6 month old next weekend when we go to Hershey Park

Now that residency has started, I hope you can post here and find support. This site helped me immensely the first year.

[planet]

Hi Lisa,

I don't know if you are still around. Can you update? And Welcome!!

Re: Hard questions - please - I need your help

Hi there- I have to honestly say I hadn't been here since my husband matched. I just really didn't want to talk about my situation, as I was depressed enough.

So, to summarize what's been going on- we got married May 18, went on honeymoon and moved to PA. I think I cried every day for a month. I still cry a lot. I absolutely hate this place and there are days where I just want to run to the airport and go home. I cannot imagine staying here for five years. This is small-town America. There are no decent shopping malls, restaurants or things to do. Yes, I am close to Philly (100 miles), yes I am close to Baltimore (100) miles, but that doesn't help me in the day to day thing.

I have been here since June and have not made one friend yet. I have been looking for a job since June/July and have not found one. I work in public relations and there is NO JOB market here unless you are in healthcare or are a union worker.

I left a great job and the opportunity to go to grad school to come here. I think about my decision every day. And honestly I don't know what's going to happen in the future....it's a shame, because I love my husband so much, and I know if we were back in Fla. we would be having a great life. I think I have seen him 6 hours this week.

I don't want you guys to feel sorry for me, or post that it's going to be ok, because I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have finally realized what life is going to be from now on, married to a general surgeon. 5 years of residency? 2 years in lab? 1-2 years of fellowship? When does it end? When do I get to make MY career a priority instead of his? It's not fair.

Sorry for this long post, I'm just venting...thank god we are going on vacation in one week back to Fla. I don't want to come back.

[DCJenn]

Re: Hard questions - please - I need your help

I think we have some iMSN members VERY near you.

It's hard. No one here would ever minimize that. I'm sorry that it sucks so badly for you right now.

Jenn

[Meenah]

Re: Hard questions - please - I need your help

Hi Lisa,
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Would you like to meet for lunch. I don't mind driving 100 miles. We are in the Princeton / Philly area. Would you consider going back to Grad school if you could do alot of courses online? There are alot of Universities in the area and you might find a program that only required to go to campus a couple of times a month. I just finished my Master's at Seton Hall University and rarely did I have to go to campus. Please stick around this site and you will be amazed at how supportive it can be. There are quite a few of us in this region and a get together is quite reasonable and doable.