New and need advise

Hello everyone. I'm recently married to PGY1 in pyschiatry (just started 2 weeks ago). I've been lookiing through the forms for a while and haven't seen too many posts with may particular problem so decided to finally post myself.

My/our issue is that my DH doesn't like his work at all, is this normal? He comes home tired, depressed, and grumpy most days. I and he realize that he has it a lot better than most interns do in terms of time at work, but I think we both wonder if he really has the personality for this profession. He is more a clock puncher mentality in a world where that is highly frowned upon. Don't get me wrong he isn't lazy and his attendings seem to like him so far, but he gets really frustrated that they claim to love their kids and wives, but spend hours in the hospital wasting time chit-chatting about things instead of just doing their work and going home. He is a person who very much values his r&r time, yet for some reason chose a profession where he isn't going to get much of that. I've been trying to tell him that it will get better and it is just a shock after not working really since graduation, but I'm not sure I believe it myself anymore.

At this point we both feel a little trapped because with all the debt we have it would be hard for us to make it if he just quit and got some other job, but on the other hand he is miserable. I think a person is willing to make the sacrifices if it is something they really want and believe in, but if not is it really worth it.

Sorry this is so long, but I'm a little distraught. It took all I had to get him to go to work today and he was an hour late at that.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be great because I am at a complete loss.

[DCJenn]

My experience is at this time in PGY1- they all HATE what they're doing. I can't tell you the number of times that my husband was ready to walk away from medicine in general and peds in particular.

As a psychiatrist- isn't he doing a preliminary year? If he is, that's not going to help the situation, either. It's kind of like those prerequisites in college- you don't like them but you have to do them.

Intern year sucks- no matter what speciality they're in. It's a totally new way of doing things. and really- he's been doing it for TWO WEEKS. That's barely enough time to know your way around the hospital.

He'll be fine but the self-doubts will continue off and on through out his journey.

as for the "is it normal?" um, yes. there are lots of points in his career that he will hate medicine. and so will you.

and I can't even say that there aren't days on the other side of training that will suck- but that's normal no matter what the profession.

To be honest, if an intern didn't come home tired, grumpy and depressed I'd wonder what sort of robotron he/she was.

relax and don't feed into his self-doubt. He was excited about it a month ago.

and welcome aboard.

jenn

PS- we do have a section specific to those who are in the intern/residency journey but we wait until people have posted 50 times before granting access since people do discuss personal issues. 50 seems to be a magic number for some reason.

[Momo]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ w/ DCJENN



:hey:


Hang in there!

[peggyfromwastate]

We're brand new interns too- DH won't really "do" what he's supposed to "do" as far as career until next year. So there will be really bad rotations and really nice ones. I bet it will be the same for you!

As far as the attitude, some docs really do seem to prefer the hospital/clinic. Sounds like your guy likes to be with you, which is really nice!

Welcome! The spouses and significant others here on this board have lots of great tips!

My first thought is that he sounds depressed. I'd be too if I was just starting residency -- but depression can really impact how it goes (which he, of course, would know).

As far as quitting and changing things - I wouldn't go there yet. Jenn is right that intern year sucks for everyone. But he's going to have to perk up and move past the clock-puncher mentality or he's going to make it worse for himself, and could dig himself a hole before he even starts.

Good luck.

But he's going to have to perk up and move past the clock-puncher mentality or he's going to make it worse for himself, and could dig himself a hole before he even starts.

[Flynn]

But he's going to have to perk up and move past the clock-puncher mentality or he's going to make it worse for himself, and could dig himself a hole before he even starts.

Yep yep.

This sound a bit more serious than "intern year sucks" to me...but DCJenn is usually right on in these situations so what do I know?!

[Deebs]

I don't know if all require it, but most psych programs require residents to go to a psychiatrist themselves. I agree that intern year is really hard, but if it's more than that, this built in relationship might be an avenue to get him help. We know quite a few residents who changed specialties after intern year, and others that figured out that they don't love medicine as much as they thought, but grew to like it a lot more as time went on. Hang in there!

[MDPhDWife]

I'm glad you found us. You'll find a lot of support here from many who have walked where you're walking. DH and I related a lot to your post.

During MS1 DH fell into a pretty bad depression. It was a combination of coming to the realization he had to actually study unlike undergrad where he could just show up and graduate w/honors. Med school is no joke. Things were especially bad because he was in a very bad relationship that was tumultuous. Finally in MS2 he went see a therapist who got him on antidepressents. He was able to get back into the swing of things and is still on them and finds they are a big help. Therapy has helped him develop coping strategies.

DH is also the type of guy who doesn't spend anymore time at work than absolutely necessary. He's very much a family man, but with him being medicine it's somewhat of an oxymoron. Currently his advisor is one of those guys who has a wife and 2 kids he barely knows. He even has a couch at the lab to encourage people to sleep there! His family values are the opposite of DH's and that causes a good amount of friction. We had DD2 during the time he was working with this advisor and you can imagine the look on his face when DH told him he was taking a paternity leave! It has been a unspoken tug of war for the last 5 years between me and this advisor. Therapy has also helped DH establish some boundaries.

I can't tell you how many times DH and I have sat in the kitchen in the wee hours discussing our options and leaving all this s**t behind. We talked about what kind of job options he'd have with a BS degree and 1/2 an MD and 1/2 a PhD. We lightheartedly discussed applying for a teaching job at the HS. We finally decided we were past the point of no return and that time marches on and this too shall pass. You must remember that your life won't always be like it is in this exact moment. Intern year will pass, so will residency, and then your options become broader. Once you can realize this situation is temporary you can begin to accept it and be more optimistic about it. Once we accepted our sitution for what it is, temporary, then the time seemed to fly by!

Was DH feeling down before intern year? Two weeks isn't very long to have the feelings he's having. For us this was things that just grew day by day and one day we realized he was sinking into a negetive pessimistic mentality. It's hard to see past the moment your in when you're in it.

Post often and keep reminding yourself and your DH that this too shall pass!

To look at this good or bad, it's only been two weeks. There is a heck of a lot of time left in first year, let alone residency as a whole. Even if your husband was a paper boy, two weeks isn't much time to get used to the job.

My DW and I did all the hoping for the best and preparing for the worst we could before residency started. And let's just say we underestimated our worst by a long shot. We've never been at each other's throats the way we were for about the first three months. Then we kind of settled down, got used to it and moved on with life. It's still not always easy by any means, but I would say we are quite content in our situation. And, luckily, she likes what she does a lot.

So give it a little while longer, and try to think happy thoughts. If it doesn't improve, there are plenty of people in the biz who switch specialties. It might add a few years to training, but being happy is probably more important.

[ud_grad]

Hello and welcome! I agree it does sound like your husband is depressed. In the first two weeks, to be dragging and getting into work late sounds like he is depressed. I think the other posters gave you great advice but I just wanted to add that in ALL professions, chit chat is part of the job. Especially as a first year, it's important for your husband to engage in the small talk and get to know his coworkers. It will not only make the experience much more pleasant for him in the long run, but I definitely think that having great relationships with the right people will do nothing but help your career (it may not be right or fair, but all places of employment have 'office politics').

If he is arriving at the last possible moment and leaving at the first possible opportunity, he may be missing out on meeting some of these people. My husband is in his third year and we've recently become the place for all the BBQs this summer. It helps because he gets to socialize with other doctors (of all levels) away from the hospital, I get to meet his coworkers, and they get to see that he is married and has a child. (I'm hoping this means someone will be so kind as to switch with him if he ends up on call over Christmas, but we'll have to wait and see about that.)

I'm sorry your husband is having a tough time adjusting, just remember he is still in the ajustment period. His journey will change many times throughout residency, some parts he may love, other parts he may hate.

[etaylor]

Re: New and need advise

totally can relate-we are going through the same thing right now-i pm'd you for some tips!

[weeniegeniewife]

Re: New and need advise

Everyone here has given you great advice. I just wanted to say welcome.

[etaylor]

Re: New and need advise

we can totally relate-we are now 2 1/2 months into my husband's first year and he still hates it. we now just really don't talk about it. just pushing through-advice from others is that the first year is so hard and that the focus needs to be on just getting through it. i don't know that i can offer advice, but know your feelings are felt by others!

Re: New and need advise

Hey Flowergirl

How is the situation now? I haven't been on the boards much because of the beginning of school but I found myself thinking about you this morning and I hope that you both are hanging in there and at least acting as if the situation will improve while waiting for it to actually improve.