Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

[locumtenenswife]

I love being a housewife, but why do I feel guilty admitting that?...There is still a part of me that feels like I should be a "working woman", with a career outside the home...but why? We don't really need the extra income, but it would be nice...my husband makes enough for us to live comfortably and the only debt we have is a mortgage and student loans. I'm the first in my group of friends to get married, and the only one to have given up her career to be a housewife. What's your experience?

[DCJenn]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

I lasted 15 months as a SAHM and then I was crawling out of my skin. but that's just me. If it's working for you both then don't worry about it. No one knows what it's like to be a medical relationship as it is...

and welcome!

Jenn

[poky]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

It seems to me that it just really depends. If your DH is going to settle into a permanent job about when you're thinking of having kids, then that's two major changes that will probably throw a kink in anything you plan for then anyway. If I were in your position, not really needing the money, but having extra time on my hands, I'd probably start doing a lot of volunteer stuff; animal shelters, school reading programs, helping out at the zoo, that kind of thing; keep me busy and get me out there meeting people without *obligating* me to anything full time. Best of both worlds, plus you're helping someone out.

Ideally, for me (without kids), if money wasn't an issue, I'd work 20-30 hrs/week, and gradually add volunteer stuff until I felt just the right amount of busy. With kids, I'd probably have to work some just to keep my sanity, but it would definitely be very part-time. I'm not an ambitious person, though; as long as I know I can earn enough money to keep a roof over my head, I'm fine.

If you do want to work, I don't think you'd be shortchanging anybody. Compromises and sacrifices have to be made either way; if you're miserable staying home or miserable working full time, THAT is when you're short-changing everyone around you; the key is to find out what works for you. You have the luxury of not *having* to work; use that opportunity to figure out what makes you happiest, and stick with it. Once you have kids, no matter how much you work or don't, SOMEONE is going to question your decision and try to make you feel badly for it; you can't let that get to you. If you let that make you miserable, you'll never be content.

[planet]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

Once you have kids, no matter how much you work or don't, SOMEONE is going to question your decision and try to make you feel badly for it; you can't let that get to you. If you let that make you miserable, you'll never be content.

Amen. Thanks for putting it in writing today.

[Flynn]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

Q: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?


A: It depends on your goals.

Have you always wanted a family? Kids? Did you grow up with a parent at home or did both of yours work?


My short answer:
We went through a really tough residency and fellowship. PGY 1-5 was kid free -- PGY 6-9 we had one and then two children. Financially we were able to have me home when DH was working crazy hours. A lot of resident spouses HAVE to work for $$ reasons. My hat is off to them. Some non doc spouses take some time off after they have a child then go back to work part time.

I wasn't sure DH would EVER be around with his hours so I quit my job (high school teacher -- LOVED it) cold turkey to be a SAHM. It was really tough at first but I wanted ONE parent to be there for our kids no matter what, and DH was completely unable to be there for anyone outside the hospital during training.

So that's my cliff note version of why I chose what I chose.

I'm already getting questions like, "What are you going to do when your kids are in school all day?" I think when people are happy with their choices "some" people automatically feel threatened and that's where the awkward questions come into play.

I'm glad I did what I did and if I had to do it over I would likely make all the same decisions.

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

I think you have to make the decision that is comfortable for you. I've been out of undergrad for 8 years and will be staying home once our little one arrives in December. Will I like it? Will I stay home for good? I have NO idea. Financially we'd be fine if I do and if I like it I have no problem doing it, but at the same time if I don't like it I don't have a problem going back to work at some level. I have my BS and my MBA and whether I stay home for good or not I won't feel like I'm wasting them. They are accomplishments I'm proud of but my family is my priority now.

[fluffhead]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

If it works for you, more power to you. Don't let others' prejudices against sahms or against working moms get in the way of your happiness or what's right for your family.

I tried doing the sahd thing, and couldn't hack being home all day - it wasn't good for me or for the kids. So I compromise - I work part time (which ends up meaning that I do all my prep work and grading after the kids go to sleep), and I hire a sitter for 5 hours a day. My salary barely covers her salary, but we're all happier, if more crazed.

[locumtenenswife]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

Wow, I love all of your replies - How wonderful to have so much great advice and feedback on your own experiences, I wish I had found this site earlier!

Once you have kids, no matter how much you work or don't, SOMEONE is going to question your decision and try to make you feel badly for it; you can't let that get to you. If you let that make you miserable, you'll never be content.

I think this is the best advice I've heard. Being the first and only one in my group of friends and family to get married and quit my job to be a housewife, there was a lot of questions from friends and family about, "When are you planning on going back to work?" or "Since you're not working, you should start having kids!" I think that's when all this guilt started to creep into my head, as if I was "missing out" if I wasn't working or having kids right away.

My husband and our relationship is my priority right now, and we're having a great time together and really enjoying our first year being married. When the kids come along, our family will be my priority. For me, I've decided that part time work or volunteer work seems to be the best option if I get stir crazy just being at home. Working was always a financial necessity for me, and even when I was growing up, both my parents worked full time so I always expected that to be the way it was for me, too. But having the option of not having to work and really noticing the difference in the quality of my relationship with my husband vs. when I was working, I think personally I'll be happy not having to juggle work and family.

[moonlight]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

Two and a half years ago I quit my job that I loved in my career field, that I loved, to be with my husband on this journey of medical school. I've worked part time jobs here and there to keep myself busy, but nothing relating to my BA or the field I'm trained to work in. As of now I haven't worked in nearly 5 months. Just this week I looked at my husband and said 'do you think people wonder what the hell I do with myself?' We both started laughing and he said YES! LOL! I've been on this journey for over 2 years and it just now occurred to me that my friends and family back home might think I'm slacking. Does it bother me that my girlfriends are making huge leaps in their career and here I am appearing to be the stereotypical stand-by-your-man wife? Yeah, sometimes it does. Does it bother me that people think I don't do much? Yeah, I guess so.

BUT, the biggest gift that medical school has given me personally (as side from the joy I have from seeing my husband succeed) is having a group of about 5 other women that are also spouses at my husband's med school. They are the biggest emotional support for me when I have those moments where I feel like I've given something up. Even my best friend that is a RN and working on her master's degree doesn't 100% get it when I call and say 'oh these hours are diving me nuts or I hope the electives we've put in for work out next year..." Take pride in the fact you are helping your husband accomplish a goal for both of your lives. It's a team effort in this journey, no matter what anyone says!

[locumtenenswife]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

I've been on this journey for over 2 years and it just now occurred to me that my friends and family back home might think I'm slacking. Does it bother me that my girlfriends are making huge leaps in their career and here I am appearing to be the stereotypical stand-by-your-man wife? Yeah, sometimes it does. Does it bother me that people think I don't do much? Yeah, I guess so.

Take pride in the fact you are helping your husband accomplish a goal for both of your lives. It's a team effort in this journey, no matter what anyone says!

Thanks for the moral support and words of encouragement. You've really helped me see my circumstances in a much more positive light, and I really appreciate your honesty about how you feel in the role of being a supportive wife. You're very lucky to have other women around who are in your situation supporting you every step of the way -- I think that's only thing I'm really missing right now.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Will having a career shortchange my husband and my family?

I love being a housewife, but why do I feel guilty admitting that?...There is still a part of me that feels like I should be a "working woman", with a career outside the home...but why? We don't really need the extra income, but it would be nice...my husband makes enough for us to live comfortably and the only debt we have is a mortgage and student loans. I'm the first in my group of friends to get married, and the only one to have given up her career to be a housewife. What's your experience?

My experience has been that you should not make either choice--to work or to stay at home--if you're not sure why you're doing it. You said you love being a housewife. That sounds like a great reason to do it: it's something you enjoy, gives you a sense of purpose and mission, serves the needs of your family, and is enjoyable. You said you FEEL like you should be a "working [outside the home] woman," but you're not sure WHY you feel this way. If you feel like you are missing something significant from your life by not working outside the home, and that is why you feel like you should be, then that may be a very good reason to consider a lifestyle change (even if it's minor--like you go back part-time or something). However, if your feeling that you should be working outside the home seems unfounded to you and may be the result merely of what OTHER people are telling you to want, then why would you give up what you love for what someone else THINKS you should love?

We are all going to die. Life is short. If you have been blessed enough to have options regarding how you spend that life, do not feel guilty about those options. Use the blessing constructively, however you feel called to do that.