Newbie looking for advice

Hi everyone!

I just found this site and I really hope someone can give me a little insite on my situation. So here goes...

My BF and I have been together for 3 and 1/2 years and were talking about marriage. He is a first year med student and we are currently 18 hours away from each other. I had planned on moving out there with him in May ( I just got accepted to grad school in the same city where he going to school). Here is the kicker, he broke up with me a week ago because "i don't understand what he is going thru". I know I might sound crazy because he ended the relationship and I am still trying but I was supposed to spend a thanksgiving with him and his family and in 2 weeks it's almost as tho he turned into a different person. I know some people should say get over it and move on but this doesn't make sense. I know he is under a lot of stress so should I let it go or what? Any type of advice is greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Re: Newbie looking for advice

I'm sorry you're sad. Chances are he HAS turned into a different person. People in med school often think they're *super-special*, and if he's starting that "you can't understand me" crap during M1, it's only going to get worse.

My advice is to walk away. If you want to go to grad school there (for YOU), GO. Don't let his behavior stop you. Let him realize what he's missing without you. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Best of luck.

[poky]

Re: Newbie looking for advice

I agree with what Jane said. I'm also curious - how has your interaction been up until now? He's been 18 hours away for 3-4 months now, right? Have you seen each other? How often did you talk? How did he act? Were you unhappy with how often you got to talk, etc.? A little more background might shed some light. Did he offer any hope, or just shut you out completely, no discussion?

My gut tells me that another unfortunate possibility is that he's saying you don't understand because he's found someone who does. Or he hopes to, and thinks you moving out there will cramp his style. I could be way off, of course, I don't know him at all, but it seems possible from what you've said.

My DH has a classmate or two who seem to be caught up in the "I am *so* awesome and god-like because *I* am going to be a dawkter". There's really nothing less attractive.

I wish you the best of luck, however things turn out.

Re: Newbie looking for advice

The last 2 weeks had gotten a little rough because he just had his 2nd test block so he was extremely stressed out. We talked everynight for a couple of minutes. It has now been 2 months since I have seen him which is the longest we have ever gone. I saw him at good bit before now and I was scheduled to go out there next week. He promises that there is no one else because he doesn't have time to meet anyone else. I just did not see this coming at all which is why it is so hard for me. The last time we spoke which was over a week ago he hadn't cut me out of this life completely. He kept saying that he couldn't do this "right now". I agree with what you have both said and I am still considering going to grad school for me but I am just still unsure. oh yea and I've ben told that about 4 other people in his mod who he is with all the time also ended their LTR relationships. It's hard for me to just walk away (although I know I should)

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Newbie looking for advice

As far as grad school - do what is best for you! If its a good school and you can afford it then go.

As for him, give him time. My DH and I did the long distance thing through February of his first year and I was glad I wasn't there. His first two quarters were his hardest and it was best for both of us that I wasn't there. If you decide to go to grad school there just remember that he still needs to study and still needs time to himself. Maybe you being in the same city will help, maybe it will make it worse. You won't know until you come to a decision that is right for you. Don't pressure him, whether you move there or not. Give him time and space and let him work through the adjustment to medical school then see where it goes.

Good luck!

Re: Newbie looking for advice

The advice is great! Thank you so much. It's not too harsh but it is what I need to hear. I was ready to be his support system along the way and I thought me not moving out there right away was a good thing. I was giving him his space.

again thank you so much!

[Meenah]

Re: Newbie looking for advice

Everyone has given great advice. Go to Grad school and take care of yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

[Phoebe]

Re: Newbie looking for advice

It sounds a little bit like my DH in the beginning. He would back off when things were stressful. I am not saying that was a good thing. It sucked for at the time. So if you don't have to put yourself through it, then don't.

However, part of me thinks this may be a common reaction to the stress and change of medical school. But if he is following his friends who have broken off their relationships, then kick him to the curb.

Concentrate on yourself. Sorry this hurts so much.

[locumtenenswife]

Re: Newbie looking for advice

Hi Carolina -

When I first read your letter, I couldn't help but think that maybe your BF felt overwhelmed having to deal with the pressure of med school and having to fulfill his obligations to you as your boyfriend. It's like he felt the demands of med school were his priority and felt his relationship with you was suffering as a result.

From his responses, "you don't understand what I'm going through" and the fact that you only talked a few minutes each night, and that "he couldn't do this right now", I just get the sense that your distance from each other obviously made it difficult for both of you to express your love and maintain an emotional connection with each other, and that he probably felt that he couldn't fulfill your emotional needs and that he wasn't getting what he needed from the relationship, either.

Because of the distance and the pressures of med school, each of you could no longer could fulfill the demands of the relationship in a way that made both of you feel loved and connected with each other. Also, since many of his classmates also ended their LTR, it could be that his group of friends are mostly single now and its much easier for him to just "hang out with the boys" than maintain a relationship with you. I would recommend that you stop pursuing the relationship and just concentrate on yourself. Even if you may end up in the same city as him, just move on and take care of yourself. Don't focus on trying to rekindle this relationship, if it was meant to be it will happen on its own.

Re: Newbie looking for advice

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Men are so strange sometimes and I think that they aren't able to express their feelings like we women (not being mean...the male and female brains are just different!)

He should gain strength from having you there on the other line to support him and knowing that you're in his life should give him confidence.

I agree with this statement. If he would look to the future, he would be able to see that he shouldn't put himself in a box for the rest of his career! He should grasp the opportunity to have someone to give him the much needed support he will need throughout this long journey. Perhaps you don't understand now, but if he would share his troubles with you, you would be able to understand. Very few of us have any idea what they go through until they share with us (unless we too are in the medical field). I don't know. I agree that you should probably just give him space and if it was meant to be...it was meant to be.

[planet]

Re: Newbie looking for advice

I'm so sorry Carolina. That sucks.

My first thought was that a lot of how you look at this might depend on how the last 3.5 years of your relationship went. If this is completely out of the blue and a total surprise then this guy is not the person you thought he was anyways. If things have been steadily progressing with him having more difficulty maintaining both school and your relationship then I think it could be any number of reasons or issues like those mentioned already. Either way you have no choice but to step back and move forward with your life. In considering grad school it must be painful and tough to make a decision about being in the same city as him. Unless you really take to heart living for yourself and can refrain from trying to push things, then maybe a different program would be better. :huh: Hugs.