As a girlfriend of a med student-to-be...

Hi! My boyfriend will be starting med school next year (he's interviewing right now), and it looks like it'll be either Stanford or the East Coast. We've been dating through most of college, and right now it looks like the plan is for me to spend his first year of med school getting my education master's---most likely here at Penn. Then I'd move in with him and we'd get married after another year.

One thing that concerns me is that we've been very attached all along, and live in the same building, and spend all of our free time together. I know that will have to change--first because we're most likely going to be at different schools (he has a good chance of getting into Penn Med but we don't want to stay in Philly), and then because he'll have to devote himself to his career.

Is there anything you'd suggest in this situation? Oh btw, we're thinking we'd have kids when he starts his residency. Is that even realistic? And he wants to do Radiology...what is that like in comparison to other specialties? Thanks so much!

Sandy

[DCJenn]

Sandy-

To start, you have a long process ahead of you. I wouldn't expect that because he's thinking about radiology as he's applying to medical school, that's what he'll end up doing. Most of my husband's colleagues ended up doing something other than what they originally intended!

You will have a lot of adjustments to make, not just in terms of location but in time allocation and lifestyle etc.

Read some of the other posts anf that should give you a clearer picture of what this lifestyle is all about!

Welcome-

Jenn

[Auspicious]

Hi Sandy,

I'm not much further along in the process than you are (my boyfriend is a first-year med student) and I've never carried on a long-distance relationship, but still, based on my own experiences, when I think of the year you have ahead of you I can't help but feel excited for you. I'm sure it will be hard, but I think you're looking at a tremendous opportunity.

After college I moved to NYC not knowing a soul here who was my own age. So basically everyone I used to spend my time with was no longer present and many of the activities I used to spend my time doing were no longer an option. I was very much on my own and it was a major lifestyle change. I had to answer a bunch of little questions like how was I going to keep myself occupied and happy for an entire weekend, and how was I going to solve a certain problem without relying on the people I had always had to rely on?

Now that I've met my boyfriend and we live together and are happy, etc., when I look back on those couple of years I spent after college but before being with him, I really treasure them. It was really during that time that I largely solidified my adult self (an ongoing process, of course) and became more resourceful and more flexible and more assertive, and above all, more independent than I had been before. Those are all the qualities that make my relationship with my busy boyfriend work.

Other people have taken other paths that have worked equally well for them, of course, but for me those on-my-own years were key. You have the added advantages of a clear purpose for the coming year (getting a master's) and already knowing that a guy you want to marry is waiting for you on the other side. My suggestion for anyone in your situation is to take this opportunity to discover your most independent, self-sufficient side. You're going to need it later. And that means not just surviving being alone, but enjoying being alone to the greatest degree possible. Not that it will be easy, but don't be tempted to think of this as a throwaway year that happens before your real life begins--realize that it's a potentially very valuable experience that you really want to make the most of.

Sorry if this is rambling or didactic.

Welcome to the board.

Julie

[houseelf]

Sandy,

Welcome to the boards. I agree with what Julie said, working towards your own degree will help you cope with the long distance relationship. It will be hard, but many people here have done it. It will take some time for everything to sort itself out, but it is doable. Let us know when he hears from the programs...you guys must feel like you're living in limbo!

We welcome your input and hope that you join us below for more conversation.

Kelly

Hi Sandy-

Welcome! My bfriend just started med school this fall at Temple. And we were both undergrads at Penn (although we didn't know each other until after we both graduated). I love Philly! Are you from this area?

One of the things I'm finding is that before he started school, we talked a lot about our worries, excitement, etc. But we also took a lot of time to enjoy the time before the big adjustment. We also knew that some things we'd have to figure out as we went through it. Reading this board and hearing other couples experiences (a woman I work with, my mom, a friend from home) has been helpful just to make me less apprehensive about what to expect. It's been hard adjusting to his schedule change and not spending as much time together (that's been the hardest!), but as he says, the hard stuff will make us stronger as a couple.

Although you may spend the first year apart...I think it'll fly by especially because you'll both be working on your degrees. I absolutely agree with Julie that you should seize the year and think of it as a great time to work on yourself!

Those are my thoughts...I look forward to speaking to you more. Also because you're my neighbor!

Sharon