frusterated fiancee of a first year med student

Hi everybody, I'm Kate, and my fiance just started his first year as a med student mid-august. We had dated for about 3 1/2 years long distance before he came to med school at the same school I'm finishing up my last year in my bachelor's in nursing. (We met just before he left for school and always had a long distance relationship until he moved back home for med school) Anyway, it's been great having him in town so that we can at least study together or have dinner or spend just a little bit of time together during his free minutes. We're planning on getting married during his winter break of his second year.

I'm very much looking forward to being married to him and getting to have that opportunity of living together and getting to come home to the same place. I'm just curious about good ways of dealing with the frustrations of him being so busy! I'm busy a lot myself with my classes and I have a great group of friends that are more than willing to keep me company when he's got a lot of work to do. Sometimes there are times when I want him to try and put aside the work he has so that we can talk about the wedding or life in general not relating to med school! I guess I need some tips on how to approach this in a way that doesn't make me sound like a nag, and some ways to deal with the times when he's too busy for spending time outside of study time.

I'm amazed at how much I can identify with many of you that I've read posts from and I look forward to talking with so many people that know where I'm coming from. Thanks for reading!

Kate

Hi Kate,

One thing I've noticed about dealing with someone in medicine is that there are good days and bad days. Hopefully we all will have more good days!

We got married during my husband's intern year and I definitely did a lot more of the planning than he did. It is difficult to deal with a very busy medical student or resident. But talking with other people who understand really does help. I also find it helpful, when I feel more disconnected to my husband than usual, to sit down with him and explain how I feel, without making him feel guilty. We went through a "naggy" stage a year or two ago as well, but it soon passed when I told him that using that word was extremely negative and making me upset. Communication is key -- it's the only way to get through this.

Good luck with wedding planning!!

[Michele]

Welcome Kate!

I am also engaged to a first year med student. We do live together though, which is nice, but he sometimes takes it for granted. Like the 7 or 8 hours we spend sleeping next to each other counts as "hanging out."

We are getting married in March and used most of the summer to plan. Since you are getting married in December, you still may be able to get most of the detail accomplished in the summer. As far as getting him involved in planning...Russ never really cared about a "wedding" so it's been mostly my thing. I give him the research jobs...letting him look things up online etc. That way he can do that stuff whenever he gets some time...and I do most of the calling and talking to people. Though being in vet school I don't have much time to do that either. My mom has been really great with the planning as well. She's still in the town where we are getting married so she can do a lot of the legwork. We've still got 5 months to go, but I feel pretty good about what's been done so far.

As far as just general hanging out, we started a gym routine. He needs to work out or he gets really antsy, so I've started to go with him. Not the best quality time together but it's better than none...and I get the bonus of getting into shape!

We also try to make dinners "family time." So we try to arrange our schedules so we can eat together. If we can't I usually bring him dinner where ever he is studying.

Good Luck and Welcome! Michele

[DCJenn]

Welcome!

My husband and I were married the day after he graduated from medical school. He was doing rotations everywhere except where we lived so I planned 90% of the wedding. He was able to go to the caterer but that's about it!

Good luck and welcome!

Jennifer

[PrincessFiona]

nag, nag, nag...

I'm the Queen of nag...just ask my hubby

I say plan most of it yourself......and just let him do some of the easier things...ie pick out his tie . It'll be your day!!!

Welcome aboard...it sounds like you guys are off to a great start!

Kris

Hi Kate!

Welcome!

I know exactly how you feel.

I think that what Jillflower said is key (at least for me)...communication and talking without accusing, making them feel guilty or placing blame. I will start out by stating the good stuff, "I know you've been trying your best to make time for me. I was wondering if we could talk more about it. I've been feeling...etc." or maybe "I like hearing about med school, but there were some things I wanted to discuss with you as well." It sets the tone that you're not having a conversation in order to nag.

The biggest thing that helps me is to be as flexible as possible. Because my bf doesn't always know until that day if he'll have time, I try to be flexible and willing to rearrange my schedule within reason. At the same time, I make plans with friends without him. One of my favorite things to do is see bands and I'll do this without my boyfriend. It allows me to have my own things to look forward to.

Sharon

[Auspicious]

Hi Kate,

My boyfriend is a first-year med student, as well, and it can be tough to get his undivided attention. I agree that you sound like you're handling it well. I have to say that for our relationship, a lot of the pressure of not being able to spend enough time together was alleviated when we moved in together.

I agree with what others are saying in that A) it's important to carve out time to spend together (like dinner or working out), B) it's important to keep your social life with your friends going, and C) kind communication is key.

My favorite little communication strategy (especially when I'm feeling frustrated and need to be careful what I say) is to fall back on the old classic: "When you do ____, it makes me feel ____."

And start with the positive stuff.

"When you forget about med school and just focus on talking about the wedding for a half hour, it makes me feel like you're as happy and excited to be getting married as I am." "When you set aside time to spend with me, it makes me feel confident in our future." Or whatever. I find that when I phrase things that way, it makes it much harder for me to blame or accuse my boyfriend--even when I'm really tempted to.

Welcome to the board--looking forward to hearing more from you.

Julie

Hi Kate,


Welcome to the site! I am engaged to a third year medical student. We have been together for about two years now, so I did not get to experience that first year of school with him. Though I do identify with your feelings. I have to admit that I did a lot of nagging last year. I was not working or going to school, so I found that the majority of my time was spent waiting for him. We do live together and are planning to marry in a court ceremony in the middle of fourth year. Then we will have a large Indian ceremony after he graduates. I guess I am kind of lucky in that I think his mother will be doing most of the planning. At least, that is what I am hoping for. Anyway, I have just recently started going back to school. Which has made the lack of time we are able to spend together a little more bearable to me. I am not sure as to any coping advice I can offer you. For me, it was just a matter of "getting used to it". I DO know that I have found the post's by the other spouses on this site very comforting as well as informative. It has really helped me to be able to read what other's are doing in their relationships and how they are coping. I hope that it has the same effect for you. Welcome again to the site. I look forward to talking with you more in the future.

Rachel

[Meenah]

Welcome everyone,
Communication is definitely the key. Sometimes we aren't very good at it. I am a nurse and my husband is a Pulmonologist. I've finally almost accepted that our meals together will be in the hospital!! We also have four teenagers which adds excitement.
Luanne

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement! I can already tell that this is a great place to talk to people i can definitely identify with. I look forward to many more great exchanges with all of you.

Kate

[houseelf]

Kate,

You mean that nagging isn't an acceptable way of getting our partners to do something? Just kidding.

Welcome to the boards. My dh and I met and married during med school and are now in the residency adventure. I can say that we have grown so much through it all. It is really amazing to see where we came from.

Anyway, welcome aboard. I look forward to chatting more below.

Kelly