Soon-to-be med school wife

Hello!

My name is Shelley, and I'm having a bit of a hard time adjusting to this "new life". Wait, I’m having a really hard time with it.

My boyfriend (we are to be married within a year) of three years just started an under-grad pre-med program at UIC (University of Illinois at Chicago). We are both 29 years old. He is a starting freshman this semester after having graduated high school almost 12 years ago. I have so much respect for him deciding to go back to school. It's always been his dream to be a doctor. I admire him so much.

We just moved to Chicago. We are now about 300 miles away from family and friends. We used to work together (we had our own business) and live together. Now, we are temporarily living apart, and I rarely see him.

He has started to make a lot of new "young" friends in his classes that he studies with frequently. I feel absolutely foolish for feeling jealous, but I can't seem to stop myself.

I work from home doing medical transcription, so I don’t really have the chance to meet people at my job. I don’t have a clue where to go meet anyone here in this city. I have always had jobs where I interacted with a lot of people all day long.

We started this business about two and a half years ago, and it wasn’t lonely working alongside him everyday. We used to change our schedule around to go play golf on a sunny afternoon. We had it really good. We were very lucky.

Now it seems like I work all the time. I am doing alone what we both used to split up and do together. I am supporting him through college and paying all of our bills including child support from his previous marriage.

I know that he is working just as hard as I am. He's very diligent in his studies. He is working very hard and should pull off a 4.0 this semester.

We had a conversation recently where he told me that I wasn't as dedicated as he is to putting him through school. He told me that he is willing to give up anything and everything to reach his goal. He said he would give me up to become a doctor (then said not that he has even thought about splitting up with me). He asked me if I could give everything up, and I could not give him the same answer. It feels different for me because if we were no longer together I don’t see how I could continue to put him through school. He said he would put me through school if the situation was reversed and he had made the commitment to seeing me become a doctor.

I guess I just don’t see it. I don’t see how I can be as dedicated to the goal of him becoming a doctor when end the end he is the one that achieves the goal not me. I have been really searching for a way to help me change my thinking about this. I get so lonely so much of the time. I am living with roommates that are from overseas and can’t really have a good conversation with them. I’ve been racking up my phone bill talking to friends and family from back home, but I don’t tell them how bad things really are.

We live in a bad neighborhood. I have lived my entire life in small town or the suburbs. We just moved from a 20 acre farm. Now we live in downtown Chicago. There was a drive-by shooting just last week at a store I pass by every time I go to my boyfriend’s house. My boyfriend was even attacked and beaten by a couple of drunk guys outside his apartment not too long ago.

I miss his daughter very much. She just turned five. I have been with her since she was only two years old. She considers me as her mother and I treat her as my own. We are both missing her badly.

I just have had so many major changes in my life that I feel like I’m coming apart.

Thank you for reading this post. I know I gave a lot of information (probably too much), but I found this site and it felt like the right place to let it all out.

Shelley

[Auspicious]

Hi Shelley!

You are in a tough spot, and it honestly sounds like you are handling it better than most people would. You should be proud of your strength, flexiblity, and resilience, and your boyfriend should feel even prouder of you.

The small-town-to-large-city move is a tough one. When I first did it I spent the initial six months just learning to keep my head above water. The entire environment felt foreign and strangely hostile to me. I knew no one, and simple things like food shopping, laundry, commuting, and dealing with my landlords were done through very different processes than I had done them in the past. It was just SUCH a different lifestyle than I was used to, I had a hard time relating to a lot of the people I found myself surrounded by, and every day seemed exhausting and overwhelming. I, too, avoided telling the people at home exactly how bad things were, and I was often tearful.

And then it just started to get better. I wish I had some great advice to give you, but basically what happens, I think, is that you hang on tight, and you keep pushing forward, and somehow things just seem to miraculously start to get better. You get used to the city, you start to learn a few tricks for getting by, you start to make friends in unexpected places, and it just becomes less of a struggle.

What I think is good to do in the meantime is the kinds of activities that don't require friends--working out, volunteering (also a good way to meet new friends), exploring every cheap tourist attraction in your new city, and (my personal favorite) walking around the city getting a feel for the place . . . I spent a lot of weekends early on just walking walking walking (which was also good for working out anxiety).

When you say "I don't see how I can be as dedicated to the goal of him becoming a doctor when in the end he is the one that achieves the goal not me," I have to say I agree with that and don't think it's something you should change. Of course you want to support him, and since you're getting married, what happens to him will affect both of you, but I don't agree that your primary goal in life should be his career. There's nothing wrong with you being unwilling to "give everything up" for someone else's career. I always try to ask myself What are my goals? What are boyfriend's goals? What are our goals for our future together? and What are we each doing to contribute to all of those?

Mostly, just hang in there. Brighter days are ahead.

[PrincessFiona]

welcome

Welcome to the group....You know, I don't know what it is about medical school and the prospects of becoming a physician that can give some of these guys such a sense of importance that they begin to forget that the spouses deserve to have lives as well.

Yes, it is our job to support our husbands/wives as they march through the med school maze...but, regardless of the stress that they are going through it is their job to support us as spouses too 8)

You are working for two, are supporting his child from a former marriage, and are putting him through school : You are doing sooo much! It must be hard to be separated from the little girl too. My heart goes out to you. He better find the same dedication to support your relationship that he has found for medical school :!: He may be willing to 'give up everything to reach his goal', but without your love and support, he'll get to the top one lonely guy.


Please forgive my tyrade, but I just felt so badly for you after reading your post. It sounds like you are a very warm and giving person and that you are really working hard to make things work out.

Please come here and vent anytime!

Welcome aboard!!!

Welcome Shelley

Sounds like you found us in good time. When I read your post, I was aghast. I'm reading alot of "Me, Me, Me" here on your fiance's part. I'm not liking the whole "Support me in becoming a doctor - at all costs!" I think your concerns are valid and he shouldn't brush them under the rug or give you a guilt trip.

This may be a bit personal (and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to), but do you have your own (aka "Just YOUR'S") personal savings account? Being in the financial services business, I hear many instances where people don't have "contingency/slush" accounts and are thus ill prepared for emergencies or uncertainties. I guess what I'm trying to say is to secure YOUR own future before selflessly giving of your time, energy, and $$$ to support your fiance.

Take care and keep posting regularly.

Hugs,
Dures

[Meenah]

Hi Shelly,
You may want to email me seperately. I am Luanne. My husband and I have been married for two years. We each have two children, and we are somewhat older thasn most here. Life here is really hard, especially if therer is a previous family/child. It is possible, but difficult. I can probably give you advice/tips from a different viewpoint.
This is a great website, and it has saved my butt more tyhan once. Welcome.
Luanne

[Meenah]

p.s. my typing sucks too.
Luanne

[houseelf]

Shelle,

My heart goes out to you. It does seem like your world has become topsy turvey. Three years ago I went through a lot of turmoil and big changes and my best advice to you is just don't make any major decisions right now. Ride this out for a year and *try* to view this as a temporary change. A relationship has its ups and downs and when the bad times come it is hard to distinguish what is attributable to circumstances and what is attributable to the relationship. Best of luck to you.

Kelly

Welcome Shelley!

So glad you found us. As I'm sure you can already tell, you've found a great support group here.

I agree that you are being an absolutely amazing partner in your relationship. You're working with him and unfortunately, I'm not hearing much appreciation on his part. I hope that maybe you can talk to him more about that. I don't believe that a person should have to be willing to give up everything for their partner to go through med school. I'm pretty sure that if I did, I wouldn't be too happy (that's just who I am) and also that my bf wouldn't want me to do that either. The important part for me is about compromise and communication. When I feel like we're both doing our parts to make the relationship work, I'm willing to do more for us as is my bf. It works the same with appreciation. I know he appreciates things I do (and makes a point to tell me so) and so I don't get upset if I'm doing the dishes more than he is.

Thanks for sharing...I know it isn't easy to open up and that it's a difficult transition/situation to be in. And it is a lot of ups and downs. There are good and bad days!

Hang in there...
Sharon

Hi,

It sounds like you are in a tough spot, with so many changes to adjust to. Of course one can't understand a situation from one post (and the person living it is really only one understanding it!). However, one thing jumped out at me in your post, that he was saying that he would be willing to give you up to become a doctor. You two have a long road ahead of you, adjusting to him going through the medical process, applying, getting in, doing residency, for another 10 years at least, since he's doing the premed program. It sounds like you are bearing most of the financial burden during this point. Then you are also adjusting to life as a married couple.

I guess what I'm saying is, if he is saying this now and expecting you to do all this now, especially after the huge changes you have already made for him, I would think long and hard about making sure that he is committed to the relationship down the road, and to you and your goals in life. I wonder if you can get joint counseling together? It sounds like it would be good to get some of these issues out in the open before making the final committment to marriage, although it sounds like you are already very close to his daughter.

Again, I don't know your situation very well, hope I am not stepping on any toes, but that part just concerned me.

Sincerely, curious

[Phoebe]

Shelley-

Welcome to the boards. It sounds like you are going through a period of adjustment with all the recent changes in your family. It has to be hard moving to a new location. let alone a big unfamilar city like Chicago. My husband went to medical school in Chicago, and although I didn't know him, I have toured the areas in which he lived right next to UIC.

I hope you can find comfort from the supportive people here while you are missing your boyfriend and his daughter that you help support and take care of. In my experience, I have found that I need to have my own interests outside of my marriage and family in order to stay happy while my husband devotes the majority of his time and energy to his career. You boyfriend seems to be really counting on you at this time to make it through school. However, you have to do things for yourself and concentrate on making yourself happy at the same time. You shouldn't have to give up everything for someone else to complete a goal. You can still be committed to your boyfriend and his dreams without giving up your needs.

I know it is a rough time right nowm but you came to the right place.

Happy to meet you, Jennifer

Hi!

I'm JenL, the wife of a third-year peds resident, and have been with the boy since med school. Welcome to the boards, and let me know if I can ever answer any questions.

I have to say that I want to echo what Curious wrote about being concerned about your fiance's attitude and that you might want to consider counseling. What you wrote about your fiance threw up all sorts of big red flags for me. I think that he is being unreasonable and expecting you to put up with far more than he should. No wonder you're feeling so overwhelmed and underappreciated. Please, do consider seeing a counselor together. Your goals and your happiness are equally as important as his are. Do not forget that and do not let him make you feel that you are the one who needs to be making all these sacrifices indefinitely for him if he's not willing to meet you half way.

And by the way, being a doctor is a great thing, but is it more important than having good healthy relationships with other people? I personally don't think so. I think it would be great to have both. Maybe your fiance doesn't understand that both are possible. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game.

Hang in there, though. Please, try to do things that nurture yourself. You are important. You are important. You are important!

Oops, double post there. Sorry, kids!

A big thanks for the warm welcome

Wow! I want to thank everyone for making me feel really welcome.

I was somewhat tearful when I read all of the replies I received. I felt like I had gotten a great big hug. I have been having a rough time of it lately. Today is a really, really bad day.

I am working on trying to find my "own" life. I just don't have the map everyone else seems to have been given. I feel like I lost myself along the way. I always seem to give too much of myself to others then wonder why I feel empty after they've taken all they needed. I sometimes feel like I have nothing left to give anyone.

This must sound totally depressing. I'm feeling depressed reading what I just wrote <smile>.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all as a group. I will try to reply to everyone's post when I get time.

Shelley