PhD to MD? What is it really like to be the spouse of an MD?

[SuzySunshine]

Re: PhD to MD? What is it really like to be the spouse of an MD?

I would say that applies to most of the spouses in DH's program as well, there are a few that are just generally bitter but its not the norm here.

[MDPhDWife]

Re: PhD to MD? What is it really like to be the spouse of an MD?



My husband is in the midst of an MD/PhD program which he started when he was 23. We are currently in year 7 of the 9 year program. He has finished his dissertation and we're facing the last two years of med school which are known to be the hardest. This means that depending on the length of residency of the specialty he chooses, he'll be in his late 30's before getting his first job!

He is still unsure of his specialty at this point. He initially leaned towards peds oncology, but that has since been replaced with optho or emergency medicine. So we'll see what happens.

We have two children and thankfully since we had them young and during the easier part of this training process, he's been very involved in their lives. Coaching soccer and the whole bit, but we're fully (as much as we can be) prepared to not expect that now. This is turn makes us question if we'll continue to grow our family.

Medicine really is a lifestyle and not always a pleasant one. It's a major sacrifice and there are days he regrets the path he's chosen. I would say that I would only advise someone going into medicine, if they absolutely could not see themselves doing ANYTHING ELSE.

I hope this helps.

[Flynn]

Re: PhD to MD? What is it really like to be the spouse of an MD?

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*Lily*, thanks for your suggestion that my husband shadow a few doctors. He is actually in the process of setting this up, and I think it is a good idea considering that both my husband and I had the experience of going to graduate school for 8 years only to find out in the end we didn't like the job we trained to do.

This is an excellent suggestion.

Keep in mind however that you cannot really shadow a spouse of a student...resident....post training doc. As a result, most spouses go in blind or as researched as they can be without really LIVING the lifestyle. It's difficult to prepare. It's impossible to KNOW how you will feel being alone all the time OR basically a single parent. To say it's tough doesn't even scratch thte surface.

This decision will change your life as much IF NOT MORE than your "doc wanna be."

Keep this in mind when you (to your credit) want to be open minded about your spouse's dream.

You had a dad who wasn't around a whole lot and that's not what you want for your own family.

This is perhaps the most telling statement you have made thus far in the dialogue. You can't have your cake and eat it too in medicine. If he does do the doctor route even in Pediatrics -- this is YEARS of him being unavailable.

I'm not saying it isn't worth it and you can't do it and you're not tough enough. Really!

I'm saying the sacrifices along the way are LONG and layered.

I wish you all the best.

Re: PhD to MD? What is it really like to be the spouse of an MD?

Dermatology is a 9-5 residency, radiology is somewhat easier as well.

I wish we were at that program! It is a lot easier than other residencies but it still has some sucky aspects. DH didn't come up against the 80 hour rule but it was never a bankers hours job and he was NEVER available for whatever **** comes up between 6am and 7pm and then studying or preparing or call or etc. It is better now but I still take care of most stuff (I don't work) and when he is working he is essentially unavailable. I agree with what everyone else has said. I post only to add -- don't fall into a trap of thinking that by choosing a certain specialty it won't be a difficult set of years with you carrying most kid and home responsibilities.

A few notes on Nellie's post:

ITA with 99% of it, except where she said she doesn't work. She stays home w/her 3 kids, so she's not employed. She works.

I'll add (b/c we were also in a more "family friendly" specialty - Pathology) that for ME the largest suck factor is no matter what the specialty your life is not your own. You are stuck on this hamster wheel until you choose to leave medicine. Even once you're looking for the "real job" a lot of it can come down to who you know / who likes you (especially true in academics). You still need letters of rec from people years out of training. I remember being SO frustrated when we were waiting on letters (that had been happily promised) for weeks/months ... you just have NO control.

My dh did his intern year in General Surgery, so I know the surgical hell (and it was before the 80 week was even a remote consideration). Yes, his hours and our "lifestyle" did improve greatly when he switched to Pathology, but as Nellie said, Residency is residency - and just when you think it's safe to plan ANYTHING, residency pops up and takes over.

On the original subject / idea of continuing on with schooling ... and it's gonna sound harsh. My thought is that career may not end up being what makes either of you happiest. What if he goes through all of this additional schooling, training, and doesn't like this EITHER? There are loads of people in the world for whom a job is just a job - not a passion, but simply a means to an end (providing the funding for LIFE). I'd be hard-pressed to back yet another trip down the rabbit hole of education debt/hell for a "maybe THIS will do the trick".

[MD&me]

Re: PhD to MD? What is it really like to be the spouse of an MD?

Thanks again to everyone who replied to my post! I appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences with me and for being so candid. It has definitely given my husband and I a lot to think about - and discuss...