Another new girl...

Hi Everyone,

It so nice to read some of your posts, you all seem so supportive of each other. To echo some of the previous intros, it is so incredible to find this group of people who understand what its like to be married to medicine (friends try to understand, but they just don't get it).

DH and I just got married a month ago, and DH is starting his second year of residency in emergency medicine. Though our marriage is new, we have been together since the med school application process, so I can't believe it has taken me so long to find you all. I started looking for local resources because for some reason his schedule is really starting to wear on me. Though we have survived intern year, it is difficult to not get discouraged when there are weeks when i see him for a total of 5 awake hours in a 7 day period. I know he can't help the long hours and weird schedules, but sometimes I find myself taking out my frustration on him in the few precious moments we have together and we both end up sad and frustrated. After all, we just want to be together.

I'm hopeful that you all will understand what it is like to be married to someone that you almost never see. I'd love to hear any advice for some of you that have been through residency or are going through it now. How do you plan for quality time? If you know DH will be available for 2 hours, but may be tired, do you modify your whole day and miss other events because those moments would be so special, or just continue living your life, remembering that he may be too tired to socialize?

This seems to be getting long for an intro, so I will end this for now.

Thanks for reading!

[DCJenn]

Re: Another new girl...

Yup- it tends to be at a very low ebb that people find us.

We have LOTS of experiences here with just such situations.

(and just to confirm- I found this place at 3am on a Saturday during intern year/first year of marriage- and 8 years later, I'm still here. Internship/residency/fellowship/international adoption/deployment/7 moves in 8 years- this fab group of people got me through ALL of it)

Jenn

[spotty_dog]

Re: Another new girl...

Hi and welcome! My husband is entering PGY-3 EM.

In general, you're going to find mostly advice to live your life and fit him in where you can. You can't put everything on hold forever! But EM is a funny bird that way. He can have a really lucky stretch of shifts and you get used to having him around, and then he turns around and has funky late night shifts for an age and is never there!

At least PGY-2 should be mostly ED rotations for you now, I hope?

Anyway, come on in and stay a while. We're here and we understand.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Another new girl...

How do you plan for quality time?

Personally, we don't "plan" it. Expectations would be way too high--too much pressure to really make it valuable, important, memory-making. Ahhh! I don't need that kind of build-up! Our best memories, almost without exception, happen when we least expect it and come at the most ridiculously inconvenient times.

By the way, we take the approach: if we have a scheduled event (like a party to go to), and he will be late or can't show, or whatever, I go without him. I don't wait around for my life to happen. I'm not getting shorted out of fun experiences because he's off living his life!

Re: Another new girl...

Welcome! I've only been here a couple months, but it has been amazing to bounce ideas & questions off people who are going through similar things.

it is difficult to not get discouraged when there are weeks when i see him for a total of 5 awake hours in a 7 day period.

There have been plenty of weeks (and months) like that for us. Sometimes I felt like my MIL was getting on my case b/c I wasn't cooking family meals for DH. People just didn't understand that he wasn't home! And it wasn't his fault and it wasn't that he didn't care.

Adjusting my expectations was important. We don't normally have planned times together. Our "celebrations" happen on odd days. DH will surprise me by wanting to take me out to eat, and that will be our Mother's Day celebration, even though the actual date was a week ago when he was on a long working stretch. (He does something big about every two years that helps me get through the sparse times.) I've attended most family gatherings by myself, including several Christmases. By the end of PGY-1, I took it so much for granted that I didn't even think about resenting it (ok, I did resent Christmas a little b/c he was often moonlighting ).

As far as parties and things like that, it depends on the situation. Sometimes it's more valuable to me to stay home and wait for DH so I can reconnect with him, and sometimes I need to get out and be with other people. DH is fairly good at understanding my need for a life outside of medicine, and as long as it doesn't cost him more time or sleep, he'll support whatever I want to pursue.

One thing that others have alluded to: It isn't really worth it to have built-up anger about his schedule. Lots of spouses in less consuming professions act like they'd never put up with so much absence, the irritability that comes with sleep deprivation, not celebrating an anniversary, or whatever. I let a lot of things slide that other spouses wouldn't, because that's just the nature of residency. IMO, on the other side of it, you get back the person you loved before all this started!

I hope you stay & find support here!

Re: Another new girl...

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome and kind words. This may sound silly, but I honestly have a more optimisitc outlook on everything after reading some of your posts. I think I was feeling particularly bummed about everything yesterday because I had to re-RSVP to a good friends college wedding to tell her that I would be attending alone because DH can not get off work. There are days when this sort of thing doesn't bother me at all and days when I'm in tears over it. I don't want to come off as a major complainer because for the most part I am very independent and am good and keeping busy between my own school, work, and friends, but honestly sometimes all I want is to share parts of my life with my DH and when I get in those moods, even my sister and best friends are a distant second..

I don't know how to quote some of the excerpts from your posts as you guys did, but it seems wise to not have too high of expectations about things, kind of the old prepare for the worst, but hope for the best idea. I imagine that this is one of those things that as you mentioned there is no single approach to. We just have to take it day by day and relish the good times.

spotty_dog: Yes, he is mainly in the ED this year, but he has been picking up extra shifts because 2 women in his class are out on maternity. For some reason he had more night shifts than anyone else in the class on the last rotation and is now on a 10 stint in the SICU. Its been a rough few weeks.

how does third year compare to the second? is your dh in a 3 or 4 year program? does he moonlight this year?

thanks again everyone for your responses, I look forward to getting to know you all better!

[spotty_dog]

Re: Another new girl...

spotty_dog: Yes, he is mainly in the ED this year, but he has been picking up extra shifts because 2 women in his class are out on maternity. For some reason he had more night shifts than anyone else in the class on the last rotation and is now on a 10 stint in the SICU. Its been a rough few weeks.

OMG, heavy on the nights and then SICU? You poor dear!! It will get better after this, I'm sure of it! (Ooh, I hate nights. Yuck, yuck. And any kind of ICU just leaves my husband BEAT.)

how does third year compare to the second? is your dh in a 3 or 4 year program? does he moonlight this year?

So far it's looking pretty great, actually. It's a 3 year program, and DH is the chief in charge of scheduling this year. That means he can pretty much make his own schedule! For example he put most of his days off for this month into one stretch, and we took nearly a week's vacation to go see his parents. He's also been moonlighting since April or so, and it's kind of gratifying to see those paychecks and realize he's got some valuable skills after all. I did the math, and this month he'll work 204 hours total, including 6 hours of conference every week, and 30-something hours of moonlighting (but not including an hour or two each shift to complete sign-out, of course.)

Are you in a 3-year program? If so, it won't be long now! We're already job searching, and gosh, it's a lot of fun to think of where we might be going!

[MDPhDWife]

Re: Another new girl...



Although we're haven't gotten to residency yet, this board is a great source of support. I'm glad you found us!

Re: Another new girl...

Welcome!

We are jusy starting PGY2 in EM too! My DH did an intern year in medicine so has not experienced the EM night shifts yet, but he is on nights the whole of August! It will suck.

I hear you on the planning time together. I used to try and plan things for DH's free time but would always end up feeling let down because he would be tired, stressed etc, and we would always end up fighting. Now I just have low expectations, that way I am sometimes pleasantly surprised!

[Flynn]

Re: Another new girl...

I just wanted to say WELCOME!!!!!!!!!

[houseelf]

Re: Another new girl...

Warmest Welcome!

Kelly

[rainbabies]

Re: Another new girl...

welcome!

Re: Another new girl...

I'm new here too.

Re: Another new girl...

Thanks again everyone for the continued welcomes! I'm so happy to be here!

spotty_dog: its great to hear that 3rd year is a bit more flexible for you than past years. Its great that your DH gets to do scheduling, maybe I should tell mine that he should consider doing that next year, if possible. Yes, we are in a 3 year program as well, so I guess sometimes this year or early next year DH will be starting to think about whether he wants to do a fellowship or not and if so where. Are you guys looking all over the place, or are you trying to stay in your area? I would really like to stay where we are, or if not, at least in our state, but I think DH is open to a lot more places/ideas.

bugs: how is your DH liking 2nd year? Did he do his prelim somewhere else or at the same place he will finish his program? A whole month of nights??!! sounds rough, but maybe if it is toward the beginning of the year he won't be super burned out yet?

thanks again everyone for all the welcomes!

[scarlett09]

Re: Another new girl...

Welcome!

We're not quite in residency, but it seems like you are finding others who are "in the trenches". That is great - there are a lot of supportive (and fun) people here.