Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

I am so glad I found you all and only wish I had found this board earlier.

My husband and I have been together since his first year of residency, married for a year.

DH was a DC for many years, sold his practice and went to medical school. He just finished his residency in Internal Medicine, studying for the IM boards and planning on doing locum tenens [temp doctoring] for a year or so.

He is much older than the rest of the residents [so am I]. I had a very full and successful professional career before DH. However, that seems to have been washed away after we got engaged.

"Ohh, you hooked yourself a doctor; you are soooo lucky." huh?
I am lucky because DH is an excellent person - not because of his profession. I was/ am disappointed by people's reaction.

Has anyone else dealt with that?

Again, really nice to be here!

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

Welcome!

DH & I have been together since undergrad, before he decided to go to med school, so I don't get the "hooked up" comments. But there is definitely a change in some people's level of friendliness when they find out he's a doctor. It's not like I specifically chose this - I chose him!

I am lucky because DH is an excellent person - not because of his profession.

Exactly.

What I've liked about this message board is that people can look past the whole doctor's wife thing. Hope you like it here too!

[rainbabies]

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

hi and welcome!

yes. i'm certain all of us have had that little zinger thrown at us.

me: um...actually i married a medical coder...who worked in the dungeon of the hospital. and i totally made more money than him.

other person: oh.

post often!

[DCJenn]

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

I married a newly commissioned Captain in the US Army who had just graduated from the military medical school. What that meant to me at the time = cute boy + uniform = Very fun wedding night.

yeah. didn't really think through the whole dawtker part.

in fact, I didn't even know enough to even be concerned about the dawkter part.

welcome!

Jenn

[MDPhDWife]

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

Yep, we all can relate to people's misconceptions of the lives medical spouses lead.

Glad you found us though!

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

I can relate to this - even old friends have some weird reactions.

One said - "Well now you are going to have to pay for all our lunches"

Did she think medical students get paid as much as doctors? I haven't called her back.

Welcome to the forums!

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

Thank you all for the welcome.

I can relate to this - even old friends have some weird reactions.

I guess this is what got me - I was totally caught off guard by who said it; people who should theoretically know better.

It has actually become a joke between me and DH.
"you know I am sooo lucky to be with you"
"no, I'm so lucky"

me: um...actually i married a medical coder...who worked in the dungeon of the hospital. and i totally made more money than him.

That is another fun aspect. I doesn't dawn on people that I married a medical resident and I actually bring in the $$$ right now... with the hours he was working, he would make more at McD's

(despite all of the student loans?)

I try not to think about the student loans. We will be past retirement age when they are paid.

Again, so nice to be here with people who know

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

I usually try not to mention DH's occupation whenever possible and if he's missing from an event, I just say he's working. If people ooh and ahh that I landed a doctor, I then mention how I see him for maybe 30-45 min a day, and can't talk to him on the phone during the day. And that I'm the sugar momma right now and make more money than him. On top of that, I'm his personal assistant now where I return his phone calls, take in his dry cleaning, schedule appointments, etc. Then I smile politely and move on.

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

"Sorry, but long term, I have zero confidence it will ever get better. If you look at where healthcare is going and bump that against malpractice, and again, not even considering the exponential loss to retirement savings while accruing exponential debt, and the fact that we live where we live on the whim of some logarithm, it's nothing I would recommend to anyone."

Can I my own thread?
Lily - AMEN AMEN
I do not think it is going to get any better. DH is actually looking to set up his practice outside the system. He went through the nightmare as a chiropractor "spending $25 to chase after $35" and he won't do it again.

Most people still think that doctor = tons of money. So wrong. I have friends who had to close their practices because they could not afford malpractice insurance. It's a sad state of affairs for doctors and patients.

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

This is an interesting thread becuase while I am fortunate that many of my friends and family know just how UNGLAMOROUS my life is as the wife of a resident, I receive the responses you mentioned from new people that I meet enough to make me uncomfortable about telling people that my DH is a doctor.

As previous posts mention, I usually just try to get away with saying DH is at work without mentioning where he is or why he has to be in even though it is Thanksgiving, etc... I hate to combat people's raised eyebrows and fleeting, jealous "how did you land a doctor" looks with tales of how poor we actually are and how lonely I often am in an attempt to relevel the playing field. The few times I have done this I have been left feeling like a disloyal complainer; I wouldn't share other family secrets offhand to someone I just met. Why should their ignorance make them privy to this information? Recently, I have learned that saying his is a medical resident seems acceptable to most and I don' tget the same reactions, though I won't be able to do this forever...

The other thing that you guys mentioned that I find particularly insulting is when people allude to the fact that I am with my DH because of his profession. Again I have to hold back thoughts of what it is like to go through medical school, studying for the boards, moving all over the place etc. The thought that comes to my mind is that old MTV show slogan/title.. "You think you know, but you have NO idea!" I could say a million more things about this, but I know I'd be preaching to the choir

and Leese: Its nice to see someone else new here. Thanks for your welcome on my introcuction post!

[MathMum]

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

Grr... I posted a reply and it got deleted.

Anywhos... the jist'

I laugh and reply to those people... "Oh gosh yes, I am so lucky to have a nice home's worth of loan payments to repay with him, and I love how the resident salary allows me to live such a posh lifestyle *insert sarcasm here*, and gosh, I just love never seeing my husband. How fun fun fun is it to be me?" ***tons more sarcasm and eye rolling at those who will never understand and base all they know about doctors off of tv shows***

If someone thinks I am "lucky" or "posh" because I am a doctor's wife, then that is usually someone I am not friends with. I just smile and let them call me "the doctor's wife" and go hang out with my real friends... who are mostly doctors or dentist wives who get our situation.

[houseelf]

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

Welcome!

Kelly

[Rapunzel]

Re: Hello all!! being defined as a "doctor's wife"

I married a 19 year old pizza delivery boy who was entering his fourth year of college (I was just nine months older than he!).

So, the comment that I married a doctor doesn't apply to me - at all.

However, now that we've been through college, medical school, residency, and fellowship together (coupled with life along the way) I can say that it DOES get better "on the other side".

The problem is that people see your success and rewards after all those hard years (well over a decade for us) and seem to think that the magic money/employment fairy came to visit. The fact is that there ARE rewards - big ones. However, you and your spouse will definitely pay in advance for those rewards. You will work harder than many people in society and you will reap a benefit greater than many in society receive.

The problem comes when people see the latter (the rewards) without realizing or seeing the former (the incredible hard work and many, many years of delayed gratification).

I'm finding that that is the hardest thing to set people straight on. Yes, my life post-dh's-training is quite nice. However, that hides the hades we went through for 12 years.

Oh, and welcome!