Hello! Pros vs. Cons

[Tenacious_D]

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

My DH was a chemist for 2 years before med school (and I was also a teacher at the time and then grad school). He and I have enjoyed most of the med school experience because it was really what he wanted to do and his work/life balance works well for us. As long as you both know what you are getting into and do your research you can try and make the experience as positive as possible. It also helps that DH wants to do Radiology because family is very important to him and he eventually wants a lifestyle that will be more comfortable than a surgeons might be. I hope this helps and sorry if we scared you.

[Rapunzel]

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

Ahhh, yes, specialties....

The thinking is, if you want a better lifestyle take the ROAD (Radiology, Optho, Anesthesiology, Dermatology).

[JMill]

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

Everyone who replied - thank you! You've actually added quite a few things to my list of pros:

1) My husband would feel challenged and would love nearly every minute of it. I always joke that he loves to set goals and meet him: this would be his ultimate goal. I love him enough to enjoy it as well.

2) Sounds like med school is the time to have babies. Good, I've had baby fever since I was about 8 - I'm not sure how long I can wait without my ovaries aching in protest all the time.

3) I've always been independent. It may not be the glowing honeymoon period we're living in now, but I'd get used to and enjoy my quiet time.

4) Lots of family nearby.

5) When it boils down to it, I married Chris. He and I have always been able to say anything to each other and great communication skills seem to be what will make this easier. He's truly my best friend and the best person I've ever met. Even if this sucks more than I can imagine right now, there will be no long term repercussions for us as a couple.

One huge (obvious) con:

1) He is pretty sure he wants to go into Orthopedic Surgery. Maybe I can talk him into Radio.

[Flynn]

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

2) Sounds like med school is the time to have babies. Good, I've had baby fever since I was about 8 - I'm not sure how long I can wait without my ovaries aching in protest all the time.

DISCLAIMER:
I am commenting from my personal experience. I'm NOT commenting on other people's choices.

For us going through a surgical residency and a LONG one at that, having kids early (in med school or very early in the training process) would have been easier on ME but NOT on our children. It would have been easier for me to have older children during residency rather than kids under three. The flip side is I think it would have been MUCH harder for the children to be older during residency and know Dad is AWOL in their lives -- missing EVERYTHING important to them. You can't make up for a missing parent no matter how hard you try. You can make it work and do the best you can....yadda yadda yadda but kids miss absent parents.

So I disagree (for us) with the above statement. For us it would have been easier for me, the adult, to have kids earlier but harder on the children. Our kids don't remember their dad gone all the time. They don't remember me overextended and exhausted worrying about taking care of everything all the time. My husband was gone so often, when he took the trash out it felt like a vacation for me.


I'm the only one who remembers not being able to count on my husband FOR ANYTHING. I am eternally thankful for this.
Our kids thinks he walks on water and that's how it should be.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

2) Sounds like med school is the time to have babies. Good, I've had baby fever since I was about 8 - I'm not sure how long I can wait without my ovaries aching in protest all the time.

For us going through a surgical residency and a LONG one at that, having kids early (in med school or very early in the training process) would have been easier on ME but NOT on our children. It would have been easier for me to have older children during residency rather than kids under three. The flip side is I think it would have been MUCH harder for the children to be older during residency and know Dad is AWOL in their lives -- missing EVERYTHING important to them.

I count myself incredibly lucky, but also in the minority. My DH is in a surgical residency and we don't have a profound sense of his constant absence, as a lot of people do. But, the problem is, I don't know why this is, so I can't offer any insight into the variation of experience. In addition, because DH and I are both somewhat older than the average surigcal resident/spouse, we had to commit to beginning a family before residency (I will be 39 when residency/fellowship is over). So, we just had to, or risked age-related fertility and genetic issues.

But, I would definitely say that overwhelming majority of the surgical residency spouses I know would agree with Flynn, and it is a wise sentiment to consider, depending on what kind of experience you want for your family in the early years. Most of the attendings I know (at least, the NSG attendings) waited until after or close-to-the-end of residency to start having kids. The few NSG esidents I know who had kids during med school or early on in residency either were older and thus had to, or had tons of family in town or available to travel for support, or the non-resident spouse (usually the wife) was just so anxious to have kids right away that she would have been happier being a "single parent" than would have been waiting.

I guess I would just say, if you have kids before residency ends, be prepared with a sense of humor: if you have kids while he's in residency, your kid will say funny things. For example, one time my son (at about two years old) was staying with my parents at a hotel in town, while my folks were here visiting. The hotel was right across from the hospital. During a break in cases, DH ran over to say hi to my folks and DS. When DH got up to return to the hospital, DS said to my parents something like, "My dad has to go home now!!" My parents said, "No, honey, he's going back to the hospital." DS said, "Yes, he's going home!" My parents could not convince him that DS's and my home was also DH's home. He insisted that he and I lived in the condo, and DH came to visit and "sleep next to mom and eat cookies."

[houseelf]

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

I absolutely agree with what Flynn says, it is really hard when your school age child knows that mommy or daddy is always gone. It sends the subliminal message, no matter how much you try to counteract it with words and "make up" events, that the child is not as important as the job. We have struggled with this issue A LOT this past year and yet we're making strides. I'm on it, so to speak. (Read as: I've deeply planted my foot up DH's ass so that this is his numero uno priority). DH has spent some time every day of his vacation alone with our older child this past week. I'm not going to lie, it breaks my heart sometimes.

With all of the above being said, I absolutely don't regret having a child during late med school. He is one of the greatest loves of my life. Could we have choose an easier way or time to have kids? "Youbetcha" as they say in Minnesota. Still, I'd rather have him during all the messiness, chaos, and uncertainty than risk not having him at all. If you want kids, you have to know that there is never a perfect time. Ever. Even though I know this, I still struggle with this bit of control over wanting things to be scheduled and perfect, that is not life.

Admittedly, residency REALLY is not a great time, but like Abigail stated, if you are in for a long haul, it is best just to dive in. I started my relationship with a third year medical student when I was 25 years old. We will not complete training until I'm 36 and he is 38. We do have several friends who waited until they were almost done or completely finished. For many, many couples this has worked out perfectly. On the other hand, I personally know of THREE medical couples with one child who desperately long for more. At my hardest point of parenting during residency, I thanked my lucky stars that we didn't wait. (Oh hell, who's kidding who?-- that we had a fortunate accident that brought us our much longed for child. ) You just dig in and make it work. Failure is not an option.

Clearly we have TONS of advice and no clear answers (and a lot of passion)! Each of us has our own strengths and frailties and we all travel our own road. Best of luck following yours.

Kelly

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

I too absolutely agree with Flynn, when we're done with training my oldest will be starting kindergarten. Hopefully she will have very few memories of daddy missing things b/c right now she's often in bed before he gets home and has already missed a few of her first milestones because of work. I know this will continue but hopefully she won't remember his working as much as I do.

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

I do have to qualify my statement about having kids in med school - I don't have older kids. Mine are 16 months. So based on what others with older kids have said, maybe it was a blessing in disguise (for our kids, definitely not for us) to have them later. We had some unique hurdles, so in our case, I don't regret trying earlier. It's a hard choice, with pros & cons either way.

[Rapunzel]

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons

Ahhh, the age old, "When to have kids?" question.

I think there are maybe a dozen of those threads floating around in the archives?

There is no answer to that. You have to follow two cliches of advice: Play it by ear and go with your gut.



(Says the woman who had one child during undergrad, two children during medical school, two children during residency, and one child during fellowship ).

Re: Hello! Pros vs. Cons