Intro plus vent

[sstreet]

Hi all. I have been reading these boards for awhile - like many new posters - and have found great comfort knowing that I am not alone. Feeling alone seems to be the hallmark of a medical spouse. My husband is a MS4 hoping to match Ortho in March. We have been together for 8 years, married for a little less than one. We are pretty good at managing the work/home thing, I know it is only going to get harder, especially once Residency begins and kids come a long, but is it just me or is it the little things that drive you crazy. I feel like I have a good grasp on the big picture but it is those little things that get me upset. Example, husband is in Miami on an away rotation, we live in Philly. I am going to visit him in a couple of weeks. His parents live in Miami, so we will be staying with them, which is not ideal to begin with. I get a phone call tonight saying that he will have to go in to round both Saturday and Sunday mornings while I am there and that we have a residency BBQ on Saturday PM. I know that these are things that he has to do. Aways rotations are as much about his skill and knowledge as they are about people liking you. It is just so annoying. I was already not looking forward to staying with his parents and brother and future sister in law who are weeks away from their wedding, but now I am going to have to spend the afternoon with all of these residents listening to them talk about Ortho, answering stupid small talk questions. I almost feel like not going at all. I know I am overreacting, that it will be good to see him. I read somewhere on these boards how some felt like "medicine" had no respect for private life and this feels like an example. I know that the program isn't having a BBQ to bug me, that it is actually a nice thing they are doing but it just gets under my skin. I just feel like even when he his home we don't get to spend that much time together and now to spend a weekend where we will only have Sunday afternoon together, if we are lucky, it seems like such a rip off. He spent three mins telling me all this and then I have to go, they are paging me. I guess it bothers me so much because I know that this is just the beginning and that I am going to feel like this countless times and that when we have kids him not being home is going to be so much more frustrating and that there is nothing that I can do about it. All you can do is try to be understanding, explain how you feel, but nothing can really change. Medicine will have to come first. He can be the most attentive, understanding husband in the world and I am still going to feel alone. What can I do? I know that this post alternates between being silly and sad but it is incidents like these I feel like I can't explain to anyone else who isn't in the same boat. AGGGGHHH I hate feeling like this.

[spotty_dog]

Re: Intro plus vent



You are not alone! Visit often and post frequently. Our surgery spouses have particularly got your back.

[sstreet]

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Thanks. I have been reading other posts and they have made me feel more sane. I imagine that I will be coming back often.

[Meenah]

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Welcome, welcome, welcome. Glad you found us. I am not far from Philly if you ever need to get away for lunch/coffee/dinner and vent!

[SuzySunshine]

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Welcome - you're right it only gets worse before it gets better but there are many on this board that have made it. Hang in there!

[Flynn]

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WELCOME!

Your feelings are totally normal. I'm wondering if you have a "decent" relationship with your in-laws? I didn't with my MIL for a LONG LONG time. I bring this up because when DH had vacation during residency and wanted to visit "family" I felt totally cheated. I had to share him with medicine ALL THE TIME -- now when he has time I have to share him with his wacko mother? IT REALLY BUGGED ME. I hated the small talk too. I hated the questions that bordered on worship from his family because "you're saving lives every day." Barf. I was SOOO over that three years into residency.

On the one hand I realize this looks really bad as I type it but on the other hand, time is so fleeting with your spouse during medical training...I had a hard time sharing periodically. I'm not proud of it but there it is.

What I know now is that I was emotionally withering on the vine in my marriage. DH could give me about 10% of what I needed as a spouse due to his time constraints -- and I don't need a lot.

I just want to validate your feelings here. You're not alone and yes you're right, residency will be much worse. Try and take things as they come and not look too far ahead.

Have you talked to your husband about this?

Hang in there.

[MDPhDWife]

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This board is a great source of support from people who can truly understand how much sacrifice medicine requires. Post often and you'll find lots of support.

[poky]

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:hey: Welcome; glad you found us. Hope we can help you in dealing with this crazy path!

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Welcome!

Residency was pretty hard on our marriage. I wish I had found this board a lot sooner! Stick around, post a lot, and it will help keep you sane.

[houseelf]

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Welcome sstreet. I think that you will find some of the help that you need here on this board. I look forward to getting to know you more.

Kelly

[Momo]

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greetings !!

Hang in there& lean on the folks here...we are all in it together!

[bahama_mama]

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Greetings from another newbie.

You're thinking/feeling the same thing as everyone else here, I'm sure. I've gotten to the point where I pretty much refuse to go to medicine functions (it helps that we've got toddler twins that someone has to stay home with). If I do go, I take a separate car, so when they all do start "talking shop", I can escape.

[sstreet]

Re: Intro plus vent

Thanks you guys. Knowing that there are others out there that I can vent to and not sound completely crazy makes me feel that much more sane. I just got a very sweet call from DH thanking me for all my help on his residency application and telling me how much he missed me. What can I say, I am pretty easy to please. To address a question from above: the relationship with the in laws is polite and kind of strained. My MIL and I are VERY different so it is a constant struggle. My FIL is very chill and kind of a non-entity. Anyways, thanks again! I look forward to getting to know you all!

[scarlett09]

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Welcome! I am also shacked up with a MS4. :|

I understand how you feel about the small talk at these mostly medical student/doctor-filled social events. What usually brings some relief is that at least one of the other people will have brought their SO/spouse with them. We usually connect over being "non-medical" and then wallow in whatever problem our other halves are currently having (Step 1, rotations, residency apps). After a few drinks, it then usually dissolves into making fun of them and their "medical-ness". I find that when there are no "non-medical" SO/spouses at an event that I am looking at my watch every 10 minutes.

Post often! There are a lot of knowledgeable and supportive people here.

[madeintaiwan]

Re: Intro plus vent

Welcome! My husband is a PGY2 in Ortho. We just had our 3rd kid in June. Intern year was great for us. Second year has sucked this far. We are on month four, in a row, of trauma. Vent away but I would highly recommend growing a thick skin about "things" or residency is going to suck even more than it already does. I hear the Miami program is super trauma heavy.