glad i found this board. Hi!

Re: glad i found this board. Hi!

Reading your posting really makes me feel like I am not alone. I just moved to Philadelphia with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years as he began his intern year of a peds residency. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. We had talked about getting married next Fall (2009) but he has yet to propose to me. This is difficult to handle considering I moved to a new city I don't really like without a job prospect in sight that is anything related to my grad degree. (Does it sound like I am resentful?) I have struggled to make friends and work a part time job I hate. He is tired and emotionally unavailable on a regular basis. We have become more like roommates than anything...and for the first time in my life I have to "beg" a man to be intimate with me (isn't it usually the other way around, right?). Above all I do love him but don't want to resent losing my independent nature and my own career prospects. I hate feeling so vulnerable and dependent. I don't want our life to be the 30 minute discussions a day that revolve around taking care of business and me nagging.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Re: glad i found this board. Hi!

That's tough frowe. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel where he might get a day or two off so you could talk about all this?

It seems like from reading these boards, it's often that the medical spouse is so sleep-deprived that they don't realize how emotionally unavailable they are being. We all go through cycles where we bicker and you're probably no longer prone to letting minor stuff roll off your back now that you're so upset.

I usually open these convos with, "I have been upset and naggy for a while and I apologize for that. I think I've been acting like this because I feel distant. How can we solve this?" Perhaps that's naive or inexperienced (you can see we're not married yet, only engaged) but it's always worked for us because I am geniunely sorry I'm annoying him. It's just that when someone acts distant and you cling harder, doesn't work out well for anyone (learned that through several boys before I met my fiance).

Re: glad i found this board. Hi!

Fortunately we are in one the better months of his intern year right now. He actually sat down with me at dinner last night and we had a good conversation about how I am feeling. Sometimes it seems like he has been taking care of people all day at the hospital and simply doesn't have the energy to deal with me at the end of the day. It is such a tough situation for medical couples. I can understand he needs his time to unwind when he gets home though. I felt better after talking with him...not sure how much will actually be resolved by it but sometimes I suppose its about being understood and heard. Medical spouses give up so much that it is important not to feel like you are being neglected yourself. Sometimes it is hard to get him to DO something though - I've been waiting weeks for him to just ASK a question at work about holiday vacation time so I can make plans with my part time job. He finally found out yesterday but didn't say anything more about it when I asked him before going to sleep. Intern year gives you a different appreciation for sleep I suppose...he just shuts down when he it is bedtime...I have found mornings are better to talk to him but it means me getting up REALLY early for a moment of his time. Just another sacrifice that we must make...!

[Thirteen]

Re: glad i found this board. Hi!

Usually, I have found that a lot of people find this board are, at that point in time, "really tired of it all." I was there when I found it here

I will say this -- vent. Vent all you want, and ask questions: they will be answered quickly and as effectively as possible by the great people on this site. When it comes to the relationship, avoid talking about your frustrations when already frustrated.
Honest communication, and leeway for when you just can't seem to do it anymore are key.

Like I was told recently, it's a job in and of itself to be involved with anyone in the medical profession. Welcome to the boards, and all the best for your marriage!

-Dri