Trying to understand...

Greetings to all,

I am just a simple gal. Love to be near the mountains. They keep me sane! I will be a registered nurse by next May. Recently engaged (been together over 3 years) and struggling with some big life changing decisions. You would think I would be ok with it since I am in the medical field but honestly I am just as torn as anyone would be. I witness first hand just how much docs have to dedicate themselves to their career. This scares me! Thought you all might be able to relate!

The fiance decided about a year ago to go to med school and honestly the whole idea has me freaked out to say the least. He is definitely on track for making this a reality in our lives. I want to be supportive of him but at the same time feel like I would be throwing my life away for his dream... Is this selfish of me?????

Anyhow, just looking for advice on how you all are able to handle the process. What gave you the strength to be ok with this? I think I just need support!!

Re: Trying to understand...

I want to be supportive of him but at the same time feel like I would be throwing my life away for his dream...

If you feel this way now, especially after having a glimpse of the commitment medicine takes, then that is your answer.

Sounds harsh but some people need spouses who are more 9 to 5 and that's okay and not by itself selfish.

So, if that's what you need for whatever reason, then someone in medicine is not for you.

Re: Trying to understand...

Ok... perhaps I am being misunderstood. After reading the first reply! My goodness, its not about the 9-5. I for one will be doing 12 hour shifts.

I am here because I am not going to just give up. I want to learn how couples have successfully made it through med school.

I am struggling with my mindframe at this point. That doesnt mean I dont Love my fiance!! Things like, we would be required to move across the country. This is very new for me. Its a bit scary.

Re: Trying to understand...

Gotcha.

Wasn't questioning your love. But it's legitimate to be scared with the possibility of undertaking the medical lifestyle and I commend you for actively questioning and considering what it might mean for you.

And I don't mean to suggest that you are only looking for 9 to 5 but even if you were that would be okay if it's what you really need in a mate.

As you mentioned, embarking upon medicine and being the spouse of someone in medicine entails more than simply giving up 9 to 5. It does often mean moving and 80 hour weeks, etc. And it means those sacrifices it what is often the prime of one's early married lives. Hence, an impact on many family decisions.

Well, how do those of us who "make it" do so? I think part of it is who we are and the other part is who we choose to become. For instance, I enjoy a fair amount of alone time so the hours don't seem quite as challenging (most of the time, not all) than it is for others who might not enjoy solo time. That said, I've had to become more independent and more comfortable with being extroverted than I was before our relationship. I've learned to join groups and go out in public on my own. I've joined softball and wiffleball teams. I'm okay with eating out alone, going to movies and even major family events like weddings alone.

If that's something you think you can't do, that is not a failure or wrong. Nor does it indicate that you don't love your SO.

But if it's really who you are and think you will always be, then marriage to someone in medicine is not for you. Even attachments to topography or locations can be a big problem. For instance, you may need to be near the mountains, but med school, residency and fellowship may make that an impossibility.

DW and I have been married for over five years. We were together two years before medical school and married right before it began. I knew to some extent what I was entering into and it's had it's challenges and rewards.

I don't expect things that medicine (or at least training) can't deliver. For instance, it can't deliver predictable and/or short hours. It can't deliver the ability for my wife to attend most important life-events such as family marriages and funerals. It can't deliver planning lives more than a rotation (a month or so) in advance. It can't deliver easy answers to big family decisions such as when to have children (might be a little easier when the male is the doc). It can't deliver me the ability to tell my employers how long I'll be around. It can't deliver me the ability to stay / advance at a job even if I love it.

It's true that many couples don't have the luxury of all of the "deliverables" above that's just the unpredictability inherent in life and commitment to another person. But, on average, most persons involved in a union outside of a "medical marriage" have more certainty / predictability on those things than we do.

Re: Trying to understand...

Welcome! I hope you find this place as supportive as I have.

Speaking as someone who got married thinking my husband was going to be more 9-5 (Biology teacher) and now finding myself married to someone gone 90+ hours a week in the 3rd year of medical school I can honestly say I see no easy answer. I don't think it is just a matter of making up your mind and getting through it. I've tried that and ended up pretty depressed a lot of times.

I'm not sure how I'll feel on the other side, but if I had to do it over again I would have let my feelings be known even louder than I did before he started medical school. I'd make sure he really sat down and talked to people in the profession. People who were married during medical school! My husband really didn't fully grasp what he was taking on--even though I tired to warn him. And he still doesn't fully appreciate the sacrifices the kids and I are making so he can pursue his dream. I think medical education requires a certain level of self-absorption just to survive it. He's so sleep deprived and overwhelmed my "little" needs (oh, you know, like getting the oldest child to a chemo appointment that the younger two are prohibited from attending) don't seem to grab his attention.

I think you really have to contemplate if you are ready and willing to hand over your vision of what a marriage "should" look like to the demands of medical training. Read the posts here. Ask yourself if it is what *you* want and can live with. I love my husband. A lot. Still, if I had known he was going to decide to become a doctor I wouldn't have married him. I would have known, even then, I'm just not that unselfish. I'm just not that independent. I just never desired to be a single parent + a pay check. You still both have a choice and it sounds like you already know both commitments (marriage and medicine) can't be taken lightly. I'm 8 years into marriage with 3 kids and I believe I married him for better or for worse. I'm still trying to make that damn lemonade and I haven't mastered the recipe yet. In the mean time I've started hanging around this forum trying to pick up a few tips.

Hope you hang around too!

[v-girl]

Re: Trying to understand...



Hubby and I have been married 11 years. He was in school for 9 (MD/PhD). It really wasn't bad (other than me being the breadwinner) until 3rd year of med school. And for some reason we thought 4th year would be a great time to get pregnant with our 3rd child (7 year gap between 2 & 3). I don't know what we were smokin' or I must have been really drunk from a wild bunco night, but that might have been our craziest idea ever.

Anyway, we've made it to 2nd year of residency and haven't misplaced any children or lost our house or our marriage. I figure that means this is do-able. I'll be honest though, it's HELL! I wish you the best of luck though and we'll be here for you through it all.

[ladymoreta]

Re: Trying to understand...

Hi!

I'm glad you found this site. I think that all spouses and SOs should be told about imsn before medical school starts! It helps so much to have people to relate to. (I am so sick of hearing "It'll be worth it when he's done and you're rich!") :banghead:

I've been married for 8 years (4 undergrad and 4 medical school), and it's definitely not been easy, but it is very rewarding. Both of you have to acknowledge that his successes are also yours, because medicine being what it is, your life goals and career will have to be secondary to his for a long time. But it is so worth it when you see him do well. I can't tell you how proud I was when he graduated from medical school! It really is a team effort. My career has gone nowhere and probably won't (I plan to be a SAHM when we have kids), and he could have gotten more A's or a few more points on his board exams if he didn't spend as much time with me, but we have both sacrificed to keep our marriage strong during his training.

Congratulations (in advance) on finishing your RN training! I don't know a lot about it, but you would be able to work in any state, right? I hope that things work out where you can still do what you love. It sounds like your fiance is a great guy, so as long as you both focus on making your marriage as strong as possible, you'll be fine. The first two years of medical school would be good for newlywed years, since his schedule won't be as bad as 3rd year and after. Good luck, and post often. We're looking forward to getting to know you!

Re: Trying to understand...

no advice but a hearty

[Flynn]

Re: Trying to understand...

I don't expect things that medicine (or at least training) can't deliver. For instance, it can't deliver predictable and/or short hours. It can't deliver the ability for my wife to attend most important life-events such as family marriages and funerals. It can't deliver planning lives more than a rotation (a month or so) in advance. It can't deliver easy answers to big family decisions such as when to have children (might be a little easier when the male is the doc). It can't deliver me the ability to tell my employers how long I'll be around. It can't deliver me the ability to stay / advance at a job even if I love it.

It's true that many couples don't have the luxury of all of the "deliverables" above that's just the unpredictability inherent in life and commitment to another person. But, on average, most persons involved in a union outside of a "medical marriage" have more certainty / predictability on those things than we do.

I totally agree with the above. For me, having absolutely NO control over my husbands schedule EVER during training was difficult. Lab time was different but for SEVEN long years I -- HAD --- NO --- CONTROL!!! :banghead: I like to plan and look forward to things. I really had to embrace the "he may make it but probably not -- either way I'm going to have fun" attitude.

For me it became much harder when we added children to the mix. I loved my "me" time and had no problem like Kevin being alone and busy. Add a child to the mix and most of my social outlets were gone for a while. I was essentially a single parent for years (no offense to actual single parents intended by that statement).

Try no to look to far ahead. Can you live without this man? If not, you will learn to deal. It's a sink or swim culture. Most people learn to swim.

Re: Trying to understand...

I've been married for 8 years (4 undergrad and 4 medical school), and it's definitely not been easy, but it is very rewarding. Both of you have to acknowledge that his successes are also yours, because medicine being what it is,

Thank you everyone so far for your insight and please keep it coming!

Excellent point you made ladymoreta, I need to remind myself of this more frequently! (the above quote)

I fortunately did pick a career that would allow me to move with him. I will graduate next May. Still undecided as to what type of Nursing I'd like to do. I did pick this career because I thought it would sufficiently fit the needs of my future family. I could be home alot! Will his career allow this after med school, intern, res, etc? Or am I being naive?

Re: Trying to understand...

Try no to look to far ahead. Can you live without this man? If not, you will learn to deal. It's a sink or swim culture. Most people learn to swim.

Yes, I need to work on this for sure. I tend to look too far ahead!!
I dont want to live without him but dont know how to change my negativity toward the whole thing. How can I learn to "deal"? I am grateful that I am being given time to prepare..

The fiance believes it should be simple. If I love him I will support him. I have a hard time with this because it hasnt been that simple for me to just be fine and dandy with these new plans.

Thanks again to all!

[houseelf]

Re: Trying to understand...

Welcome. You have received some sage advice already so I'll just say "What they said".

Kelly

[McPants]

Re: Trying to understand...

The fiance believes it should be simple. If I love him I will support him. I have a hard time with this because it hasnt been that simple for me to just be fine and dandy with these new plans.

Thanks again to all!

I know that medical spouses tend to sacrifice themselves for their partners, but that kind of argument really bothers me. Why? Because it is fundamentally selfish and if someone says that to their spouse/girlfriend, it indicates that they expect this sacrifice as something natural; not as one they'll be forever indebted to you for making. Our partners don't ever have the right to expect us to severely limit our own lives in order for them to be able to live their dream. We may choose to do so, but not because of arguments such as this one.

If my gf were to say that to me, I'd immediately turn the argument around and ask myself (and possibly her) to which extent she will be willing to support me. A good relationship will involve mutual sacrifices and as few of them as possible.

[Flynn]

Re: Trying to understand...

The fiance believes it should be simple. If I love him I will support him. I have a hard time with this because it hasnt been that simple for me to just be fine and dandy with these new plans.

Thanks again to all!

I know that medical spouses tend to sacrifice themselves for their partners, but that kind of argument really bothers me. Why? Because it is fundamentally selfish and if someone says that to their spouse/girlfriend, it indicates that they expect this sacrifice as something natural; not as one they'll be forever indebted to you for making. Our partners don't ever have the right to expect us to severely limit our own lives in order for them to be able to live their dream. We may choose to do so, but not because of arguments such as this one.

If my gf were to say that to me, I'd immediately turn the argument around and ask myself (and possibly her) to which extent she will be willing to support me. A good relationship will involve mutual sacrifices and as few of them as possible.

ITA. It's just NOT that simple pal.

I think this "mentality" feeds into the "I heal therefore I am more important than the next poor schmuck."

The profession itself is inherently SELFISH -- why? Because to a certain extent you have to be a self-centered GIT to get to the end of training sane and somewhat intact.

There is no quick fix to living a medical lifestyle.

[HouseofWool]

Re: Trying to understand...

We go round and round on the whole selfish thing. In fact, we had it out sunday morning because of it. (This time it wasn't related to medicine) Basically, he was doing something that pisses me off to no end and usually I put up with it to avoid conflict. But, I'm pregnant, over-tired, in constant discomfort/pain from the baby, and more than a little emotional. When he asked me how I was when I woke up on Sunday, I told him I was pissed off. Luckily, I was able to present a coherent point of view that he later conceded made a lot of sense. (That alone made me feel a world better.) We'll see if the behavior actually changes.