Trying to understand...

[houseelf]

Re: Trying to understand...

O.K. now I'm confusing the original poster's needs with my own, please forgive me in advance.

The problem with living in a medical marriage is that it can so completely distort your reality to make some insane proposal appear doable. As in "Hey, other people have done it and we've come this far!"

In our house, I have been a real trooper about doing what it takes to get him through. Honestly, I "fed the beast" a little too much. Now, when I'm trying to reign it in a bit to ensure that they entire family's needs are met instead of just doing every thing to support his journey, he's like ""Whoa, I didn't know you felt this strong about things". Uh, did you really think it was going to be all about the prestige of your career for ever? In other words, be careful to negotiate early and often because this life can get away from you.

For the truly ambitious, enough is never enough. There is always another fellowship, another credential, another committee, another fabulous job somewhere far away involving yet another move. You need to talk, talk, talk about what you envision for YOUR DREAMS AND EXPECTATIONS because believe me, they can get so lost that even you won't know what they are anymore. Medicine can chew you up and spit you out if you let it. Better to be a little forthright now than regretful later.

Kelly

[MrsK]

Re: Trying to understand...

In other words, be careful to negotiate early and often because this life can get away from you.

I so agree with this. For DrK and I, it's a constant negotiation. Logistics are a major part of any marriage but even more so in a medical marriage. You have to respect each other and remember to speak nicely to each other. Otherwise, one day you are miserable sitting on the floor of yet another empty house, eating dinner from a styrofoam carton, and blaming him.

The day that DrK told me we were moving to OH, I had come home late from work, too tired to cook, and put a frozen lasagna in the oven. He told me he'd signed a contract in OH and the deed was done. Though we'd discussed it previously, this was the first time it really hit me. Then he went to the gym. While he was gone, I set the table with our wedding china and crystal, lit some candles, and made that frozen lasagna look like an extra special dinner. Even though I was miserable at the notion of leaving my family and friends and work, securing the internship was a big accomplishment for him, for us, and needed to be celebrated.

So glad I did that cuz it wasn't a month later that we were sitting on the floor of yet another empty house, eating dinner from a styrofoam carton, and though I was absolutely miserable DrK was still grateful for that candlelit lasagna dinner. He really did all he could to make me feel good about being in that empty house. "Bank" the good times so you can handle the not-so-good times. There is a lot of give & take.

Re: Trying to understand...

A medical relationship will take alot of sacrifice in certain areas. One good thing is you are almost finished with your education so you wont have to give up your own career goals. It is very important to compromise and you are not selfish to expect that he give back whatever he takes. You should be involved in the decision making as well such as location(with in reason b/c he has limited choice on that himself). My Dh has always been really understanding about the complications of being a medical spouse and I try to understand how hard it is for him to be in such a demading job himself. His career definently leads to alot of fights but we do come out of them with a better understanding of what the other is going through and learning ways to work through it. It is just very important you are not the only one making all the sacrifices otherwise it could lead to alot of resentment. I wish you the best of luck.

[Meenah]

Re: Trying to understand...

I'm late here, but welcome and glad you found us. The medical marriage is a constant give and take, and mostly it is give from the non-doc side. You are lucky in that your own professional goals can be pursued no matter where you end up with the matches, etc. I feel very fortunate because I love my career. I was a nurse for many years and went back for my Nurse Practitioner, and now my DH and I work together. You can do it, but it is a roller coaster.

Re: Trying to understand...

It is undoubtedly true about sacrificing yourself for their career in medicine but it makes me wonder how TWO MDs make it work...nanny/housekeepers I suppose...? I was in optometry school for a year before deciding it wasn't for me but now I wonder how we would have made it work. Even now I still have ambitious career goals and wonder how it will all pan out.

[Thirteen]

Re: Trying to understand...

I have found that if you attach yourself to a place or a concept too tightly, residency and life tend to squash it.
If you think in terms of fluidity and adventure (with your lifelong partner/ "adventure buddy") anything can be a good learning experience.
[Ex: Leaving LA, and moving to... perhaps "the tundra?"]

Welcome aboard! Love your partner, post often, be real.
And don't be afraid to ask questions

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Trying to understand...

It is undoubtedly true about sacrificing yourself for their career in medicine but it makes me wonder how TWO MDs make it work...nanny/housekeepers I suppose...? I was in optometry school for a year before deciding it wasn't for me but now I wonder how we would have made it work. Even now I still have ambitious career goals and wonder how it will all pan out.

We have several friends that are 2 MD families, they all have nannies though I don't think they have any other help at the home. One couple just finished training, one is in fellowship and the other couple is still in residency.

Re: Trying to understand...

I can't imagine having children and BOTH parents being in residency or a fellowship. I have to say it...WHAT were they thinking??

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Trying to understand...

I can't imagine having children and BOTH parents being in residency or a fellowship. I have to say it...WHAT were they thinking??

Wow - I can tell you what both couples were thinking as we're very good friends with both. One wife would be close to 40 when she was done with fellowship and was already having fertility issues, the other wife is in a research fellowship so she's not on call, etc. like if she were clinical. Life sometimes can't be put on hold because medical training takes so long.

Re: Trying to understand...

As for supporting his dreams, that's all well and nice, but he should give you some specifics. I mean, they have to exist, this is his dream, right? Doctor doesn't count. That can mean so many different things. Take this time to research together all the different aspects of a career in medicine. You see a good deal, I'm sure, working as a nursing student (congrats, btw!). But there are lots of details and choices to make every step of the way. I'm not saying he needs to chose which specialty and fellowship he'll want to pursue tomorrow or anything. But get a general idea of the direction. You need to know in order to prepare yourself.

Copy this, print it on word, put it in bold print, then tape it to the fridge. Doctor is not a description of the hell on earth you may live, that for him is his "dream". It's the difference between family doctor and a plastic surgeon that could kill a family and leave lots of scars. You have to be strong for yourself, and get ready to put on the boxing gloves, because we all have to do it at one point or another. Married almost 10 years here, and can say it's not a breeze, and if DH had done a surgical residency, we could be looking at seperation or divorce at this point. It's not a life I can handle. I don't have the personality others have to make this work. Seriously, you need to do some soul searching and figure out what you want in life, and does he actually want that do, or is he hoping to "fit it in".