surgical resident spouses anyone?

Hi all-
I haven't posted much yet, so just to reintroduce myself- I am engaged to a 3rd year medical student. We just moved to Michigan this year, away form both of our family and friends. Now we have been faced with the decisions of what 4th year electives to take and where! He has been told that he should go to some of the places he wants to interview with, so that would mean some long months away. He has also for some reason been battling with going into general surgery (which is what he has always wanted to do). I think the thing that scares us both is the stories heard about surgeons! So help me out here- ther are general surgery residents who stayed married right? And don't turn into complete jerks? I know that some of you are probably laughing at me, but I have heard all of this! Also, he thinks that he would like family practice (polar opposites, huh?), but not sure. Everyone who works with him tells him he would make a great surgeon. I think so to. That is his passion and I don't know if he would be as happy with anything else. The time commitment for the residency though is something that he really thinks about. We would like to get closer to home (MO) for residency if possible, but we know that that may not happen. I would like to go back to school to get my PhD, so we have been looking for places that have universities with the program. So many decisions! We are also trying to plan a wedding long distance! Not fun. I guess, through all of my rambling, I just want to know what life is REALLY like for the spouse of the resident and also the resident. And does it get better after residency? Does it slow down some? My biggest fear is that when we have kids, they will hardly know their father because he is never home to do things with them. Crazy I know, but those thoughts creep into my head . Thanks for listening to me and I hope to hear from some of you!!

[houseelf]

Psych,

It wasn't so long ago that I was in your shoes. Now I am the wife of a third year surgery resident who loves his work. It is a hard road to go, but I really can't compare it with any other.

Divorces--yes they happen. Some programs boast greater than a 100% divorce rate--meaning two divorces for one individual during a residency. I don't know if this is real or not or if this is some sort of surgery residency machismo lore. In this program, many of the residents aren't married and we have heard of a few divorces. The Employee Assistance Program (i.e. counseling service) told us that greater than fifty percent of the residents, married or single, use their services during the tenure of the residency program. In other words, a surgery residency is grueling enough that you have got to be very committed to the discipline to make it work.

Jerks---I'm laughing. Yes, we know a few of those too. Arrogance? Perhaps that has even creeped up in our marriage.

I don't want to scare you. We're doing it and making it work. Some times are harder than others. It does get somewhat easier through the years too. I will say that my hubby is living his dream. For example, currently he is on the Burn/reconstructive service and is helping to take people from the brink of death and/or disfigurement and helping to recreate a life for them. He has massaged a human heart to help bring an individual back to life. He has transplanted a new liver into a three year old and helped to give this child a chance at life. He definitely is addicted to surgery.

These experiences are incredibly rewarding and humbling all at once. ON occasion, families of his patients send me flowers when they realize that this doctor who spends all this time attending to their family member has a wife and child home alone.

Fortunately, we are stronger because of this experience. Our marriage has hit rock bottom before. I'm pretty independent and that helps too. We currently are experiencing some growing pains when my toddler son constantly asks, "Is daddy coming home tonight?". It is confusing for him, but I know that this phenomenon is not exclusive to surgery.

I don't know if this helps or hurts...all I can say that it is doable. Especially with a network like the one that you have just found. Remember, living with the fear of something is usually much worse than actually doing it.

Warmest welcome,

Kelly

[SueC]

Hi!
I can't comment on surgery residency, but I do think it is worthwhile for them to pursue whatever their passion is. My husband did his residency in med-peds but he very quickly found out he would not be happy working in a clinic as a general practitioner when he finished. He loves the ICU and prefers being in the hospital. So, he ended up going for a fellowship in pulmonary/critical care. The downfall is that he is home less. But, he is a happier guy now. There is a tradeoff, but since they have to give so much of themselves to their job, I think it is better (at least in our case it was) to go whichever route they find the most satisfying. I in turn have to be more patient and absorb more of the parenting duties, but I knew this going into the marriage and I see how much happier he is now so I think it is worth it.
Welcome to the boards!
Sue