I'm Back Again..

[cylverdust]

I have been connected with this site for several years now. For some reason I wander off by myself and try to struggle through this life without others that completely understand.

Hubby has finished his first year for the 2nd time. He is now entering the 2nd year for the 2nd time.

He failed 2nd year and the school had changed their curriculum and sent him back to 1st year even though he had passed the first year.

The school was supposed to reimburse us for the 1st year, but we have not seen a dime. I am guessing we will have to sue to get the money.

Anyway, we have a 7.5 month old named Lauren Elisabeth, who I adore with every fiber in my being.

Hubby and I have been struggling since her birth. A lot has happened to him since she was born. His family whom he was taught would always be there is not. His mother has clearly stated she sees baby girl as an interferance to her goal of being a mom to a doctor. I am that too. His brother called and dumped on him. He is struggling with the fact that he failed when he was always top of the class. The reality of parenthood is harder than he realized, etc.
I could go on..

Anyway.. Just and update on me..

[spotty_dog]

Welcome back! We're here whenever you want to check in, however you want to do it.

I said things changed a little. Parenthood was a stress, to be sure, and overall we certainly aren't where we were, oh 6 years ago when we were married. Med school was a stress too, and residency. All this stuff changes relationships. But they change anyway as people grow and change, regardless of what events have prompted the changing. We had a real turning point in the last few days actually where I realized how much we've matured and how far we've come, after all the ups and downs along the way. You guys have absolutely been through the wringer. I hope you can come through this the stronger for it.

[DCJenn]

Welcome back Cheryl.

I'm sorry you guys are dealing with so much right now. That's a lot to deal with one by one and I'm sure all at once it's overwhelming.

Post when you feel like it.

Glad you're back.

Jenn

ETA: I picked yes, totally but it was totally in a very beneficial way. It's made him a much more gentle soul.

[SuzySunshine]

I said a little just because we have less time for each other now. When he gets home he tries to spend as much of his time with A as he can before she goes to bed. Of course now that she is older and goes to bed earlier we have that time after she goes down to ourselves. Of course now we're going to add #2 to the mix so we'll be back at square one.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

[madeintaiwan]

I picked "just a little." We were young and still in undergrad when we had J. Our lives changed but really not that much. Having him made us have to prioritize and focus. But we still did the things we did prior to having him. We had A in medical school and had E at the end of PGY1. I agree wholeheartedly with spotty dog's post. Life is stressful and people evolve. Hopefully they find ways to adapt. I hope that you guys will be able to work through things. Welcome back.

[Auspicious]

I picked "a little" but my real answer is somewhere more than a little but less than totally. Like "significantly but not permanently."

After reading your post the first thing I went back to look for is "how old did she say their baby is?" because for us this has really changed over time, with the first five months especially being very off-track/disconnected, and then improving by fits and starts from there. For us the antidote, as it always is, was talk talk talk, but really it took me like five months to even get my head together enough, and assess the problems enough, to initiate any kind of productive discussions.

We also got sort of a large and automatic boost as she hit toddlerhood around 12-14 months. A toddler who walks and talks and makes specific demands is much, much less mysterious to my husband, and he's therefore more confident, and therefore parenting more equally in the times the three of us are together, and that puts us back in teamwork mode, which is good for us. When you say "the reality of parenthood is harder than he realized," I think for my husband parenting an infant was harder than he realized, and parenting a toddler is more like he had pictured it in his head.

Anyway, you do have a lot on your plates right now, and I am with everyone else in wishing you the best in working it out. And welcome back.

I said "yes, a little", but in our case, it really only helped. Knowing he was a father helped him to shed the last of the college-man-boy mentality and really take responsibility.

I'm really sorry it's been rough for you. You guys have had a really tough few years. My initial responses to reading your post were:

1) His family needs to back off and understand boundaries.

2) Being a doctor is not the end-all / be-all (at least it hasn't been in our house -- after med school and 6 years post-graduate training, my dh isn't even practicing!). And while I wish you both every success in the world, it may be worthwhile to at least re-evaluate and see if this is truly the only path for you.

I wish you all the best.

[cylverdust]

Thanks everyone for the support. He has admitted to being depressed. We have spoken to our Pastor who is a great help.
Things are a little better since I sat him down and said TALK! His family is pretty much no longer in the picture. He is grieving about that. I found that out yesterday.
The Pastor told me I need to let him grieve and I need to be there to support him, to make sure to respect him.
I also have let my family know about this, they love him and have stated that they will support him in however he needs.

Baby girl is 7 months old. Yes, DH has stated it would easier if she could say. Daddy, I'm wet please change me.. etc.. So I imagine it will get better soon. She is crawling and trying to walk, pulling up. She is making mama noises when she wants me, so I think she will begin talking soon.

Yea.. being a doctor is not the end all be all for DH or I, but it is for his mother. It has made him back away from her because she is showing him that her love for him is not as it should be, as he was taught that it was.
His brother and him have not spoken in 3 months since the dump, they usually talk once a week so...

[SuzySunshine]

Cheryl, another thing is that IMO the child gets A LOT easier after 9 months or so.

[moonlight]

Cheryl- I noticed that you said you’re seeking counseling from your pastor. Our pastor did a two part series on men and women. He based it on these books. (see link) I'm slowly reading the book for women and DH is reading the book for men. It's been so eye opening that I've had to read it one chapter per week, just to absorb the info! In the book for women the very first chapter is about respect for your husband and what that really really means in real life. Anyways, it’s just a little recommendation. I really hope home life gets better soon.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-abo...5968504&sr=1-1

[houseelf]

Just wanted to chime in and agree that infancy is much different than other stages. It gets easier, time wise anyways.

Kelly

[cylverdust]

She is getting somewhat easier. She is still not sleeping through the night yet but I deal with that. I worry about how things will go once school starts back. I am worn out.

Hi there,
Nice to see you around. Really sorry to hear that you are having some tough times. Personally, I don't think that my DS (15 months) is getting any easier. But, I am learning to deal better. It becomes less overwhelming as the months go by....

[Flynn]

I'm really sorry things are so tough now.

I'm one of those people who said our relationship changed a lot. Why? Well when DH was busy with residency and gone all the time I had "me" time (too much but I tried to make the best of it). I could take classes, hang out with friends, work, meet new people, exercise, travel, etc. etc.

After our daughter was born I had to make sure I was "there" for DH when he was home and not asleep, AND be there for my daughter. I also quit my job and stayed home full time which at first was really hard. Very soon I found the "me" was gone and I was this caretaker to everyone else in my house. I was tapped and pretty confused.

As a first time mom I felt very blessed I had this new wonderful person in my life! I was TIRED however and being a new parent, I didn't know what I needed. I didn't know I needed breaks and was uncertain how to ask for help when I wasn't sure what was going on.

I also didn't understand that it would get better. I now know that I am one of those people who thinks infancy is okay -- but give me a two year old and the fun begins!!! A three year old is even MORE fun etc. etc. It just kept getting better for me as my daughter got older. Now we have three kids.

I'm so sorry your future doc's family is being so selfish. I can't imagine a grandmother believing that her grandchild is anything but wonderful.

Hang in there and post often. The first year after adding a child to a marriage is always a time of transition in my book.

[HouseofWool]

Baby girl is 7 months old. Yes, DH has stated it would easier if she could say. Daddy, I'm wet please change me.. etc.. So I imagine it will get better soon. She is crawling and trying to walk, pulling up. She is making mama noises when she wants me, so I think she will begin talking soon.

I would suggest sign language. We did about 5 signs with our first starting at about 7 months. We kept it very simple, milk, eat, more, all done. Adding something for diaper or change wouldn't be difficult and it takes away the guess work. By 1 year, DS was adept at using the signs and letting us know what he wanted long before he was verbal. I fully intend on doing it again with DS when she is a bit older (not quite 5 months yet).