Hello All - Medical Spouse in crisis!

Hi all, I'm so excited to find this network! I need people I can be real with about how hard this can be!

So here is my story. DH is in his 3rd year just finishing up his first rotation (IM). We were blissfully happy and then decided to shake things up with a baby boy born the beginning of this year. We are so happy to have baby boy in our lives, but not happy about what it has done to our relationship and DH's studies.

Initially everything was great, but then DH fell into PPD (yes it happens to dads too) right when he needed to buckle down and study for his boards. Long story short, he studied all he could but didn't come out of his depression until the boards were over, he ended up passing but scored below average, not good news when he is hoping to go into Radiology, specifically in a state that only excepts 12 residents in Radiology a year.

Meanwhile I found a part time at home job and now am home with our baby. DH is now in his Internal Medicine rotation and never home and when he is home has to study (same ol same ol). He barely spends any time with our boy and hardly ever helps around the house.

Here is the problem, I KNOW that he HAS to study. But I can't seem to FEEL that its okay. My head keeps telling my heart to give the guy a break , he is only doing what he has to do. But I can't seem to help resenting him for it. I am exhausted emotionally and physically and just need a break from time to time. Meanwhile he is exhausted emotionally and physically as well. This whole thing is taking a serious toll on our relationship. I resent him for the things he can't do, he feels guilty for the things he can't do. And we fight, way more than we would like to.

This may be TMI, but I've really needed to vent to people who could understand what we are going through. I know so many of you have been there and made it through. So tell me there is hope, we will be happy again and maybe, just maybe, he will get into a Radiology residency despite his below average score. Please?

[DCJenn]

Welcome!

You have hit upon the eternal struggle between the medical spouse and the medical career. Figuring out at what point studying becomes avoidance of being a partner in the relationship and/or co-parent is something that we all try to figure out. It's also something that requires frequent evaluation and negotiation.

The only thing I can tell you is to keep the communication going. Getting resentful happens. It happens to the best of us. It happens in medical school and it happens when they're attendings.

All you can do is talk it through and when YOU feel like a line has been crossed then you need to deal with it. We're all enablers of their behavior to a certain degree because otherwise stuff would just never get done.

Our collective experience here will tell you that this is not unique to your household, or you or your husband.

Welcome- post often, read through the site and know that you are most definitely not alone.

Jenn

[Pollyanna]

What Jenn Said!

Hang in there, talk it out with your hubby, and post here OFTEN. Welcome!

[ladymoreta]

Hi! First of all, welcome, and you are definitely in the right place for support and understanding. You can always come here to vent and read our vents, and you'll know you're not alone! Also, Congratulations on your new baby!

The (sort of) good news is that 3rd year of medical school has been our worst year (and 4th year was the best). For DH, it was worse than residency has been so far, mainly because he didn't like the rotation areas. Your husband may feel similarly since he probably won't have an opportunity to do a rotation in Radiology until 4th year. DH went through some depression because I think he was beginning to question whether he would ever not be miserable practicing medicine. I'm not sure if that feeling is typical, but now, even though he's working even longer hours than 3rd year, he is much happier doing something he's interested in.

I hate to tell you that the working/studying all the time probably won't change a whole lot until next year. 3rd year is very demanding, and it is a huge adjustment for students who have been used to sitting in class for the past six years. Fortunately, IM was one of the most time intensive rotations in DH's program (along with OB/Gyn and Surgery), and the others had a lot less call, so he had more at-home time for the other months. It stinks that he started out on such an intense rotation with a newborn, but the next rotation will probably be a lot easier on your family.

All that being said, 3rd year is not a free pass for him to not be involved and bonding with his son. If he's still experiencing depression, he can and should get fairly cheap counseling through the medical school. You can help him bond by arranging (in advance) time for him to spend taking care of the baby while you are out of the house. He may feel like, at this point, he's behind on the learning curve, so he may be embarrassed that he isn't as good at things like diapers and playing as you are. Some alone time may help him build more confidence. And if you can spend that time with other women, you will feel 100% better. Something about chatting and shopping or eating with other women always makes me feel happier for days afterwards.

The two of you also need some alone time together. Even if that means just sitting on the couch with a bottle of wine after your son is asleep, you HAVE to spend time connecting. You are perfectly normal for resenting the time he spends at the hospital and studying. It will never be like it was in undergrad or MS1 again, but a healthy marriage depends on both quality and quantity of time together. Aim for at least one evening a week when you can spend 2-3 hours together. It won't happen on all rotations, but it's a good goal.

I wouldn't worry too much about his board scores. I don't think that most people get into their top choice for residency anyway, so he'll be applying to at least 10-15 programs (with a range of ideal to back-up). He may get in to that program - they look at a lot of other things besides board scores. Or he may not. Either way, he will most likely get into a good Radiology program, and he'll do great in residency. It helps to acknowledge how crazy and random the Match can be, and remember that it's just for a few years.

[radwife]

Hi!

Welcome to the group! Sorry that you're having a tough time, but I promise you that you'll find some comfort in this site!

I can provide a bit of insight on Radiology as my husband just matched into it last year. This link gives some of the actual stats from last years match http://www.nrmp.org/data/chartingoutcomes2009v3.pdf You can see that some people do end up matching with below average scores. However, your chances go up quite a bit with the more places you apply to and interview at. Of course we had places we really wanted and hoped to match at, but DH applied to A LOT of places with the thought that worst case senario we'd rather be in some random city for 4-5 years so he could be a radiologist. My advice would be to apply broadly and interview at as many places as possible. It will be expensive and crazy scheduling things, but it worked for us. DH ended up matching at his number three choice and we are both really happy here.

Hang in there! Radiology is known for being one of the more family friendly and better lifestyle specialties, so let's hope that all the hardwork put up front in med school will payoff in the end....at least that's what I was constantly reminding myself when DH was studying all the time!

Thank you so much for your responses! It does make such a difference knowing I can come here and get advice and empathy. I'm sure I will be posting often

[MarissaNicole]

and nice to meet you!

Sorry you are struggling now, but you will find that there is always someone here struggling as medicine is filled with ups and downs and EVERYONE goes through rough times!

Is there any way you can get out once a week- is there anyone who could watch the baby for you? It seems like lots of medical moms never get a free moment to themselves - and every Mom (or dad, or man or woman) needs some ME time!

Welcome! I am sorry you are having a hard time. I'm also married to an MS3 finishing up IM, and we're finding that 3rd year is requiring a lot of adjustment. I imagine with a new baby it's far, far more challenging. From what you say, it sounds like you and your husband were managing well during the first two years of med school so at least you've got that going for you! Was he able to help out a bit more then, and is now overwhelmed with the demands on his time? Or do you have different expectations of him now that you are caring for the baby? I am trying to ask my DH to contribute more to managing our life, and I can't believe how guilty I feel even asking. He has to study, he has to study has been drilled into my head. But you can only do so much.... You'll get a lot of good advice here about how to achieve some kind of workable balance. Good luck!

[scrub-jay]

I can't offer advice yet as my DH is an MS1, but !! Welcome to the site, you'll find a supportive group here, but I would agree with the suggestion to open the lines of communication, avoid resentment, and encourage your DH to work through the PPD.

Congratulations on the baby!

[bokelley]

Welcome!! I am glad you have found us. My husband is also a MS3 and wants to do Radiology. It seems that all of the DH or DW go through a funk after the first boards... the ladies on here have helped me out alot. I no longer feel guilty about sometime having a pity party!! Hang in there, I here it does get better!! WELCOME

Ahh memories...you will invest as much energy into your spouse's career as they will. Your mission - should you choose to accept it - is to be the ROCK for the family to anchor to. Resentment is a natural feeling, but the reality is, your spouse cannot do it without you. Time management is essential. It is also imperative that you set aside some time for you (meditation, workout, etc..) no matter what is going on with your spouse, you need the mental stability to be an effective rock.

Best of luck, welcome, and keep posting.

RB

[Thirteen]

Ahh memories...you will invest as much energy into your spouse's career as they will. Your mission - should you choose to accept it - is to be the ROCK for the family to anchor to. Resentment is a natural feeling, but the reality is, your spouse cannot do it without you. Time management is essential. It is also imperative that you set aside some time for you (meditation, workout, etc..) no matter what is going on with your spouse, you need the mental stability to be an effective rock.

Best of luck, welcome, and keep posting.

RB

This is sage advice, hands down, from a veteran in "our field"
Well said, RB!

-A

I can relate, can't we all?

Welcome and I understand. All I can say is well, this is the life we chose when we said "I Do". I remind myself of that, reluctantly sometimes, just about daily. I think people married to those in the military are perhaps most like us--we should join forces.

Anyhoo, I think you must do what is necessary for you to be happy, end of story. If you get a break, you will be better equipped to deal with "HAVE TO STUDY" mantra. Reach out and find some help...being a new mom is horribly stressful (if you're like me), and our husbands a: don't get it and b: are trained to be self-absorbed so that they can perform their duties--and that only gets worse (unfortunately).

Hang in there sister.

[DCJenn]

Yes, there are a few of us who have no illusions of any level of control over our lives. The beast of medicine and the beast of the military. I won't be able to choose where I live for at least the next 8 years! (and we've been at this thrill ride for the last ten!)

Jenn

Ahh memories...you will invest as much energy into your spouse's career as they will. Your mission - should you choose to accept it - is to be the ROCK for the family to anchor to. Resentment is a natural feeling, but the reality is, your spouse cannot do it without you. Time management is essential. It is also imperative that you set aside some time for you (meditation, workout, etc..) no matter what is going on with your spouse, you need the mental stability to be an effective rock.

Best of luck, welcome, and keep posting.

RB

You are right, RB. I was kind of surprised when my mom (I called her crying when I realized how much DF would have to work) first gave me that idea..."you will be the rock for him and your family" I hadn't ever thought myself a rock-like figure (I'm flighty and fun!) But it has been interesting adapting to this new role so far and thinking about myself this new way. I'm proud to have this job and I think it really helps cut the resentment issue BIG TIME. Good point!