I am new here...I have posted a few times.

I have a question and I didn't want it to be private. I am sure there are several spouses who are/have gone through this. How is the world do people stayed married in med school. My husband started in August. I love this man with all of my heart. Since we have met his heart has been set on med school. Once he got accepted I thought, Thank God, maybe now I will be important. However, I am less important than ever, so it seems. He has time for all of his other friends and of course school, but his wife, nope. How do y'all deal with this? I am hurt. I can't complain because I do not want to stress him. I do not want to be hurt. I think I deserve a little attention. Maybe, at the end of my one line emails, an I love you. I am tired of this. How do I do this? I know I am not alone in this. I know I am not some spoiled person who thinks they deserve more than they do. I am not asking for a weekend get away or anything like that. I am asking to at least be in the top 5 things in his life.

[MarissaNicole]

I know that I am DH's #1 priority - but with that being said - that doesn't mean that I am what he spends most of his time on.

It is a very hard balance, and often times as medical spouses we are responsible for humbling our spouses and reminding them that although school/residency may be time consuming/stressful it doesn't mean they get to neglect the marriage and their family. I also know that is my job to be his biggest cheerleader.

DH and I view his career/med school as a team thing. Although it is his dream/goal he knows that he cannot do it without me and my support/sacrifice. If DH didn't appreciate all that I do to make his goals possible I don't know if I would be able to do it.

Have you tried to communicate your feelings to your DH - if so how does he respond?

[L.Jane]

Its hard to really say anything with out knowing the whole situation, FWIW here are my thoughts.

Have you talked with him about this? Have you talked with him about having date nights. Sometimes the longer you are in a relationship and get busy with life, you forget important simple things like this. J and I had problems with communication early on. When we lived in different states I had to tell him, please just let me know how you are feeling, even an I love you at the end of an email will suffice. Sometimes even though you are very important to your guy, they are very thick skulled and don't realize that we sometime need confirmation more often then them. He assumes if he says it once every year or so that's enough. I had to tell him how I felt and he tried more. And then every once in a while I have to remind him again. And funny enough, I love him for it. I hope that you are able to talk things out with him. I know its easier said then done.

Re: I am new here...I have posted a few times.

You say he doesn't spend rime with you but has time for his other friends? If I were in that situation I'd calmly ask " when will you be available again?" plan a nice dinner date and politely (somewhere during the evening) say "I miss having times like these, etc...) to let him know where you stand but at the same time letting him know that you still support his dream


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[ladymoreta]

Welcome, and so glad you feel comfortable enough to ask us a question that I can tell is really hurting you.

The problem with my answer to your question is that it doesn't leave you a whole lot of control. Hopefully someone else will have a better answer, but here goes my attempt... To some extent, it is up to the medical student how much time he spends at home. They don't have as much control as most people in their work/life balance, but they do have some free time. It sounds to me like your husband is choosing to spend his free time with other friends, and that doesn't leave enough time to strengthen your relationship together. There are some rare circumstances when the student does spend too much time on school, but for the most part, they're just doing what they have to, so it's hard to begrudge them any of that time.

What you can control (a little) - Have you talked about (and has he answered honestly) why he chooses to spend his social time away from his family? This one can be really hurtful that you can't change (if, for example, he no longer wants to be a part of his family), or it can be something relatively easy (like he prefers to hang out with his friends because he likes watching sports with them). Once you know the answer to that, hopefully he will discuss with you things that would make him choose to spend more time with you.

I really hope that he is willing to discuss the problem honestly and maturely. It is hurting you to feel rejected by him, and he may not even be aware that you are feeling the way you are. It is good to try not to add to their stress by bringing up every little problem, but this is a major source of conflict that medical students/residents/attendings/etc. often don't even see until it is too late. If you haven't had the discusion yet, do it gently and non-judgementally, and focus on what you can do so he doesn't feel like you are nagging him. (And have it over wine, if you drink. That always seems to calm the emotions for us.) But definitely talk to him. He may have some suggestions that he's been afraid to bring up because he was afraid of your reaction. (Guys can be weird about that sometimes.)

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Putting in my 2 cents...

DH is in his 4th year of medical school. We weren't married for the first two years, but we lived together MS2. I have always been his #1 priority, and like Marissa said, that doesn't mean that we spend a lot of time together.

The hardest thing for us has been to maintain our own identities (specifically me) because being a doctor's wife means that you should have your own stuff to do (career, friends, etc). This means that, although he's coming home after being gone for a month (for a whopping 1 day), I will still be going to lunch with friends...

If he is choosing to spend down-time without you (but with "the guys"), ask him why. It's so hard to strike a balance and it's different for each couple! Good luck!

Tell us a little more about yourself!

he is in the Caribbean since aug. We were not able to afford the extra plane ticket for me at the time. The cost of school and everything hit us hard. I will be moving down there on the 1st. He has plenty of time to email, facebook and myspace his friends. When it comes to me I get a one line email...maybe. I understand that he thinks I should "know" he loves me. I do. However, I am sacrificing A LOT for him to chase his dreams and a simple I love you would not kill. We do not talk on the phone considering it cost 1.50/min. I am here taking care of kids, doing my school work and holding it all together. A thank you or I am proud...seriously. I am supporting and help him in any way possible. I tell him how proud I am. I am there to pick him up if he needs it. I am there for him and there is no one there for me. I want him to have this, he deserves it. He is an amazing person. I want a day, an hour, a minute...anything. I wish I were important.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

ah-ha...I didn't realize that he was away for medical school! Yikes! That adds a whole new dimension to things - and extra work at keeping things on the same page. I'm assuming you have 3 kids? You're moving Oct 1? Good luck! Hopefully being on the same island will help things! Men can be really thick about appreciating the "glue" in their lives

[MarissaNicole]

Hang in there until you move - it is soooo close and although I'm sure this won't make you feel any better, communicating long distance is sooo much harder than in person. DH and I hardly talk now that he is on his away rotations (mostly because he doesn't have a free moment) but even when he does it just isn't the same as being together and talking.

When you do move there make sure you let him know how you feel!!! He is probably so stressed with school (and missing you) that he probably hasn't even thought about how you must be feeling!

You are important - he wouldn't be able to do this without you. I hope it improves when you are together... but do make sure you talk about it with him once you get there!

[houseelf]

Hi! Welcome to the boards. From the sounds of it, I think that you are going to find what you are looking for here. We have lots of spouses going through similar journeys aroudn the world.

Kelly

Thank you all. I was figuring that I would get the..."you just have to support him" bit. I know this and I do support him. However, I deserve a little too. I can't hardly wait to move. I am sure things will get better after that. I know it is a long hard road and it is most definitely the word less traveled.

[scrub-jay]

Thank you all. I was figuring that I would get the..."you just have to support him" bit. I know this and I do support him. However, I deserve a little too. I can't hardly wait to move. I am sure things will get better after that. I know it is a long hard road and it is most definitely the word less traveled.

First off, welcome! Secondly, I think you are much more likely to get candid and honest advice. This group will not ever mechanically give you the advice "just support him" but you will get real opinions and advice if asked. I think you'll like this group here, please, jump in.

[ladymoreta]

I totally agree - it is not okay for him to neglect you, and you definitely deserve his respect and appreciation. It's just that it's impossible to change other people's character, so the only advice we have are things that we've done that worked. I do hope that things get better after you've moved there, and I'm really confident they will. You sound like a strong, supportive wife, and he is lucky to have you. Having you there every day should help keep it more in his consciousness, so hopefully he'll tell and show you more often how important you are to him.

[Rapunzel]

OK, mommy3, I have NO advice. But, I will say that you are not imagining things - that is just a really awful situation for your family right now. Is he calling to talk to the kids or video conferencing with them or anything?

[moonlight]

It took me nearly two months to move down to the island after my husband had started school. Those few weeks were VERY hard. I remember several conversations where I was really yelling at him about not emailing me or not trying to IM. It sounds like your husband doesn't have his internet set up just yet, right?

Enjoy your last few days in the states and don't worry. You'll be together soon and this part of Caribbean med school will start to fade away.