First Year Residency, Second Week the fights begin

Hello! Stella sent me to IMSN because she thought it would be very useful to me in my situation!

I am living with/halfway married/dating a first year resident in ortho surgery. While I couldn't be happier that he is achieving his dreams and doing what he has wanted to do for this whole life, I can't help but think, I have really become the little Mrs. cooking, cleaning, laundry, yaddi yaddi. Which I don't mind, but I Would like some attention when he comes home. I don't know how to say all this without nagging and it seems like everynight we just get into a fight about the littlest things and when it boils down to the reason, it's something very silly that I just get so irritated with.

I know he's stood on his feet all day, but my back hurts, he could at least rub my back so that I could feel some sort of relationship and not that I'm living with a roommate.

[SuzySunshine]

Welcome Melissa - first year is HARD! They are treated like peons at work and do ALL of the scut work. I don't know if first year is the hardest in Ortho, I'm sure we have some spouses that can answer that, but residency as a whole is hard in most specialties.

That doesn't give him a pass BUT if you're having these concerns the best time, IMO, to discuss them is when you're both rested and can calmly talk about things. Getting in constant fights when he comes home exhausted isn't going to help either of you.

This is a great group, hang around and post often.

[ladymoreta]

Welcome!!! You've come to the right place. Residency stinks, no getting around that, but I second SuzySunshine about talking to him when you're both rested, with a glass of wine if you drink.

Looking forward to getting to know you! Post often!

[L.Jane]

Hello! I can't add anything new to what the two lovely ladies have posted before me, but I wanted to say hi. I did not go through first year living with J, but this last year (second year) I found that the months that he was way overworked and under rested were the worst for us. Cranky cranky conversations. I had to sit down with J and tell him that he had to tell me about his day, no matter how inconsequential he felt it was. We had a huge difference in what we thought was interesting about his day. He felt that it was all boring meaningless stuff, and I had to give him a kick in the butt and tell him he had to tell me about it and have a conversation with me. I hope you can sit down and talk with him when he has a day to sleep in, and be fully with you mentally and emotionally.

[scrub-jay]

Welcome, we're still in med school here, so I have no residency advice. There are many on here that may have more to add, but I just wanted to say hi!

Thank you ladies sooo much!! Ladymoreta, we def drink wine so I may have to start collecting it around the house so we always have some!! and L. Jane, I have started having those conversations were I say, I don't care what you think was important tell me everything because I feel like all I do is talk once he gets home. I'm so happy to have found a support group! This is very hard for both of us and I am so glad to have found an outlet!

[bokelley]

Just wanted to say Welcome!! This is an amazing site for support! While I don't know anything about residency (DH is a MS4) I do think it is important for you to discuss how you feel right now. You deserve that! Good luck and Welcome!!

[v-girl]

Welcome! The first year sucks rocks!

[MarissaNicole]

we're adjusting to first year as well, but luckily three months of away rotations gave us a good idea of what it was going to be like.

[houseelf]

Welcome, we speak your language here!

[Meenah]

Welcome. I am going to move this thread to the introductions forum so that more people will see it.

Questions

Situation Question and then Forum Question:

So after I found this website last night, I went home and tried to be very cool calm and collected about everything and what do you know but a HUGE fight broke out. There was a benefit "thing" in town for the gulf and I had asked earlier in the day if we could go for just a half an hour, we would be home in time for him to go to bed at his normal time. Earlier in the day he said if he got off in time we could go. So he gets off in time, I've got dinner made for him, so that we can, as I said, leave in time to go to the benefit. But first thing he says when I ask can we go still, is that he's tired and he doesn't want to and he doesn't want to be there while I am "flitting around networking" (back situation, I just graduated from my masters program, I have an internship with no promise of going full time, so I need to network to see potential opportunities). Anyway, so this huge like bawling fight broke out because I'm sick of fighting and he's sick of fighting and I just wish that he would understand that we have to make sacrifices for each other. I know that in his mind he's tired and he wants to just sit at home and do nothing.

I did admit to him that the whoel time we've been together I've been in school, so he hasn't gotten to see the social butterfly side of me as much as it really exists. Now that I don't have school work to do and things are going on, I like--I enjoy--being a part of that scene (not a party scene but just a lifestyle that I enjoy). I'm not asking him to do these things with me everynight, but I feel like once in a while is an option and even if I am networking, I get dragged to so many dr type things that he HAS to be a apart of, why can't he sacrfice--am I just being whiny??

Forum question: What does DH mean?

[madeintaiwan]

Welcome. He should be able to sacrifice for you when he can. That's something that you guys are going to have to work out. Hate to tell you this, but PGY2 is the WORST year for ortho. That is pretty standard across the board. I'm not trying to come off harsh, but I really think you need to get a grip on this year because it will only get worse next year. PGY2 they will be expected to actually know and perform ortho stuff on their own and their OITE score will count so they will be studying even more. My husband is PGY4 in ortho. We have 3 children and live half the country away from any family. Last night was the first night in 3 nights that he saw the kids. That's just the way it goes. We live our lives and he fits in when he can. I hope that you will be able to sort things out. Best of luck to you.

[SuzySunshine]

I don't think you're being whiny - he said he'd go, he should have gone but at the same time he still may not realize how exhausted he's going to be when he gets home. I'm not making excuses for him but they run on adrenaline when they're at the hospital and sometimes when they come home they just crash. I think because he was so exhausted the fight was probably inevitable - is he off this weekend? Maybe Sunday after he's had some time to recoup you guys could have a conversation rather then a fight?

DH is dear husband.

Thanks! At the end of the night and in the morning when he leaves we always say we are sorry, but it's just getting so frustrating. And, I know that next year is going to be so much worse.

I am really trying to be rational about everything--but sometimes, it's just frustrating. Give me a week and I'll be fine Away rotations in MS4th year helped, but oh well. It's a learning process I suppose?