New--and anxious about DH starting med school in august....

Hi everyone,

I just joined because my DH has been accepted to start med school in August. He just finished his PhD in March and was basically a hermit for the past 2 years so I'm very nervous about diving into the med school scene. My DH thinks that he'll have no trouble making a good amount of time for us, but I worry that he's being unrealistic. I'm hoping you ladies can shed some light on how hard it really is, what the time restrictions are like, how you keep the relationship strong, and any tips you have for handling it. Also, I'm concerned about taking all this on at this late stage (DH is 34), if we'll feel like we're missing out since all our friends will be moving past student life. Any thoughts, comments, etc?

I'm trying to get as prepared as possible before we jump right in, even though it's so hard to know exactly it will be 4, 5, 6 years....

Thanks!!

Sarah

[v-girl]

Welcome!!!

[TigerLily]

Hi Sarah!!
My husband went right from undergrad to med school and the change between those two was huge. I'll bet that the change between a PhD program and Medical school will be much less shocking.
IMO, as far as time with family goes, it gets better and better through the 4 years. 1st and 2nd year were pretty rough because there was always a test to study for. But again, if your DH is already fairly comfortable with the material and he is obviously used to a grad school work load, it probably won't be as big of a shocker for him. (My husband tests horribly so had to spend a lot of time studying.)
Then 3rd year was hard again because the hours were really long for some of the rotations, along with studying for boards but the 4th year light at the end of the tunnel will get you through that!
During 4th year we spent more time together than we were even able to in undergrad! With vacation months, electives and all the fun travel for interviewing, we had a blast!
It also helped us putting aside a few hours every week that could not be touched by medical school. No matter how much studying there was to be done, we would go for a walk, to a movie or out to dinner.

I've only been on this site for a week but I've already found it to be very therapeutic! It can be rough at times but having a bunch of people who know what you're going through is awesome!
Hope that was helpful at all!

[bokelley]

Hi. My husband is a MS4. The first two years were an adjustment, I thought third year was the best. I will say that I absolutely hate fourth year, but it may be great for you guys. Everyone is able to handle it differently. Does he have any idea what he wants to go into, if he does that might be able to give you some insight on what the future might hold.

This site is wonderful, everyone is so helpful and understanding....

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! I'd say the first and fourth years of medical school were the best for us. Second year stunk because of all the studying for Step 1 of boards, and the hours were awful for rotations 3rd year. 4th year was great for the reasons Zoe mentioned, and getting ready for the Match was exciting (and scary).

You've come to the right place, and I hope to get to know you better. Post often!

[MDPhDWife]

I totally get the feeling a little old for the stage of life you're in. DH is in his 4th year of MS but having done the MD/PhD program, he'll be a few months shy of 33 when he graduates.

[madeintaiwan]

Welcome Sarah!
It's hard to speak about the adjustment because it really depends on so many factors. We had a 2.5 year old when DH started medical AND we moved half the country away from home. That was a HUGE adjustment. The first two years of medical school was easy for us. DH is pretty efficient at studying. He went in early [6am] to study before classes and came home between 4 and 6pm every day with his studying done. The only exception was anatomy which is more time consuming. The big adjustment school wise was 3rd year when clinicals started. We were lucky that we went to a school with a decent number of non traditional students [older, married, with kids] and I quickly made a nice network of friends. We're in PGY4 of 5 with a year fellowship to follow. We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary this fall [been together for over 13] and we now have 3 children and still live half the country away from home. And it does stink to see your friends and family starting their lives while you're still in school/training. I say this all the time, you make the best of it. The kids and I live our lives and he fits in when he can.

[poky]

Hi, Sarah, and welcome!

My husband was a year older than yours when he started med school 3 years ago....and I'm a year older than him, so I know all about being the oldest in the class, and worrying about fitting in with all the (much!) younger students. It's an adjustment, and takes time, but it can be done. We're here after 13 years of being out in the work force, which, honestly, I think gave my husband a leg up compared to the classmates just out of undergrad, since his program is *totally* non-competitive, and he's very used to working in small groups to solve a problem. As for schedule, the way this program is laid out, he was home more in the first two years than he was when he was working 40 hours a week. He did spend a lot of that time at home studying, but the schedule wasn't exactly tough. If you have kids, the studying at home thing can be tough, though, and library time could make the schedule a lot worse.

Are you having to move for school?

[Auspicious]

In the summer of 2002 my husband turned 31, then he defended his PhD thesis, then we moved in together (he was just my boyfriend then), then he started MS-1. . . .Then I joined this site.

Our experience won't necessarily be your experience, but of the past eight years of this journey, MS-1 was the worst. (That definitely does not match most couples' experience in medicine.) My husband had a very difficult time switching from the kind of thinking required for the PhD to the kind of thinking required in MS-1. The PhD involved a lot more original thinking, and MS-1 was very high volume rote memorization. It took him most of the year to bend his brain to doing that task, but he finally got traction near the end of the year, did fine his second year, and did terrific on his clinical years. Other years have had a higher workload, but MS1 had the most uncertainty and unhappiness. Hopefully your husbands nimble brain will power through this year no problem.

As for starting out older, and especially coming off a PhD (not exactly the glam life), I/we did make a pretty conscious decision that "yeah, we're not going to wait until you're fortysomething to start enjoying life." So we did everything we could to keep life enjoyable during the process. No falling into the trap of thinking of the end of training as the "start" of your "real life" and that it's acceptable to be miserable until then or leave a bunch of problems unfixed until then. I think I did pretty good on that goal for about 7.5 years, but I admit for about this final year and a half of it, I do have this sense of marking time until training is over. Resist that as long as you can.

And it's funny about friends moving past the student stage--when my husband was in med school everyone we knew was working, and now that he has a job and is poised to get a better one, we know tons of people back in school since the economy crashed, including both of his siblings. Medicine is a long road and everyone's fortunes will probably change several times before you're done. Stay the course if it's the right one for you.

Being on this site from the beginning has been hugely helpful to me, so I think you've already got one big thing in your favor right there.

[Pollyanna]

Welcome, you have come to the right place! Dh started med school after a three year post-doc when he was 32, we also had our 4th baby that year. Med school is SO much easier than grad school and the research that comes with. Seriously, we loved the free time we had. Residency is a whole other ball of wax though. Post often!!

Hi there- my DH just started med school last year and we're 30, so we're definitely some of the older people. So far, it really hasn't been too bad- he studies a lot, but he's home at night and we have dinner together, and most weekend nights he can go out with me. As long as you have some things to keep you occupied when he's busy, you'll be fine- and make sure to schedule time together. I can't give advice about after year 2, because I'm a little scared about rotations myself!

Welcome!

[SuzySunshine]

Welcome!

Welcome! You've come to the right place! My DH is in the 4th year of a 5 yr MD/MPH program. He was also a little older than the average student when he started. He worked in a very high pressure industry before med school, and even though he was accustomed to long fast paced hours, honestly the transition has been challenging for him. Being at the bottom of the totem pole and having to learn to think like a doctor has really shaken his confidence. Having a supportive wife has been really important. (I'm just going to go ahead and pat myself on the back and put those words in his mouth.) He's also found it a bit isolating to be in class with younger folks who aren't really in the same stage of life. We moved to a new area for med school, so he did not really have a chance to make friends his own age in the area. Are you staying in the same place? That may help, even if your friends are moving past student life.

As for making time for each other, it's definitely possible. I think it really depends on the student and spouse's perspective. First year we did a lot of negotiating about how to balance study time and home responsibilities and together time. It's a delicate juggling act, and I think every couple has to come up with their own formula. Date night sounds kind of lame, but it was a great way for us to reconnect, especially first year when we were struggling to find our way.

I look forward to getting to know you! Good luck!

No falling into the trap of thinking of the end of training as the "start" of your "real life" and that it's acceptable to be miserable until then or leave a bunch of problems unfixed until then.

I think that should be the mantra for our entire group. Live life as it's happening!! It's the only one you get!!

Sorry - I just fell in love with Julie's sentiment. Welcome, Sarita, and good luck!

[MarissaNicole]

and nice to meet you! Honestly I don't think medical school was that bad. You have to learn not compare yourself to the average couple because you won't have the same amount of time but it doesn't mean its not managable. Our motto is "expect the worst and hope for the best," and it has worked out well for us thus far!