You understand!

Hi everyone. I'm so excited to find this group because I'm going crazy since July 1 and don't have soul around me who understands what I'm going through.

My husband of 3 years started his PGY1 in Peds this July. The kicker is....it's on the complete opposite side of the country from where we were living. Due to a number of reasons I couldn't pick up and go with him (I have the higher income and I can't practice my profession in another state without studying and exams which would take at least a year; and even if I pass, who knows if I'd find a job given the state of the economy). So we decided to go through this by living on opposite coasts with monthly visits by me for almost a week at a time.

I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone here that this has been really difficult, and we're not even done with the second month! He works all of the time. He's tired and cranky when he's not working. We're lucky if we get a 5 minute conversation by phone or Skype on any day.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings and insecurities popping up. I worry that I will spend three years "waiting" and not living. I struggle with loneliness now that we are apart. I suppose it's all normal given the situation.

I hope I can learn from others who have/are going through something similar. It will be a comfort to find others and read about what did / did not work for them as they went through it.

Hi there! While I am not in your exact situation, I completely understand how you feel - I posted for the first time on Sunday, while my husband (PG1 Peds as well) was on call and I was watching Mad Men re-runs and glue-gunning everything I could get my hands on!

My husband and I lived in different states for the last 3yrs of med school and moved cross-country for his residency (Midwest to CA). We know literally no one here, and I am just barely getting to the point where I'm not crying every day out of loneliness, homesickness, frustration at the job market, wishing that he had matched in our hometown, etc. I totally get your frustration, and even though I live in a house with my husband, I see him for mayyyyyybe an hour a day which is basically 15 minutes of actually talking with him falling asleep mid-conversation.

I totally get your feeling that you're "waiting," I have felt like that for the better part of the 6 years I've been with my husband! We've been married for almost 2mos and this is an awesome honeymoon After my first post earlier this week, I started feeling more "brave" (ha) and am trying to focus on doing things that make me happy and don't revolve around my husband..ie manicures and hot yoga

Just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and I hope things get better!!

[ladymoreta]

Welcome, and I'm so sorry about the long distance situation. There are several people on here who currently or have had similar arrangements, and they can offer some great tips.

I'm glad you're here, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Hello! Welcome!

Yes, people here understand.

We did long distance for 3 full years (until last month actually). The first year was once monthly visits and the second two years were 2 weeks on/2 weeks off. To be honest, it was awful. It was awful because I missed him and awful because even when I was there, he was pretty busy and I had NO friends and very little to do with my free time. It felt like I was waiting to begin my life. And I felt so guilty because though I loved visiting, by the end of the two weeks, I wanted to leave so I at least saw my coworkers during the day because otherwise I had no human contact (I worked out of my home during the 2 weeks a month that I was with him).

When I joined this site and told them our plan (3 years ago), people told me to move. They said "you should really consider moving" even though it will be difficult, etc. and we weren't even married. I blew it off and I now realize that I shouldn't have blown it off. It would have been better if I'd just bit the bullet and moved. Even though we weren't even married yet, I feel like we missed out on a lot and even just sharing his bed at night would have been worth it. I was scared and I had a great job, so I didn't move but I really wish I had. There are lots of folks on the boards who quit excellent jobs or retook exams to follow spouses. And yes, it's monumentally unfair and I can rage against it all I want but the fact of the matter is that for me, I wish I had moved with him because even though I don't love his job, I love him and being with him would have been better for me. There are others on here that have done the long distance thing with more success than I so I'm sure they'll chime in as well.

I'm not telling you how to live your life. Just wanted to say that I know all about long distance and that's my perspective. The great news is that people here have been there and done it all so they'll support you in whatever you need right now. Welcome, welcome, post often!

[SuzySunshine]

Welcome, we did long distance for 14 months - it stunk! But we're all here to support you.

[L.Jane]

Hello. J and I did a year apart. I moved to be with him, re-certified, and while I have been through some temporary jobs, I am still unemployed. So I understand where you are coming from. Its rough. Welcome to the site.

[MrsK]

So, are you a lawyer too? We did the commuter marriage thing for most of our first year of marriage/his intern year. Although I was eligible for admission on motion, due to buerocratic hang ups, it took 10 months to get my license. So, I was spending 2 weeks working my tail off in one state and then 2 weeks being Mrs. Suzy Homemaker in his state, 1000 miles away. And then as soon as I got my license, intern year ended and we moved to another jurisdiction. So, we lived in 4 different homes during our first 15 months of marriage. So, yes, we understand and, yes, it's the pits.

Welcome! I'm glad you found this site! It sounds like you have a difficult situation having to live separately right now. As stated by other ladies so far, there are some women here who have been in your situation and can really offer support and advice. This is a great place for a kind ear, a warm shoulder, and hardy laugh! Looking forward to getting to you know you better!!

[oceanchild]

Hi from another peds spouse! We've done two more or less cross-country moves now, and it's a pain. If I were you I'd work on a plan to move to where he is, stat (telecommuting, relicensing, whatever...), but whatever works best for you, hang in there. Intern year sucks even if you're in the same room.

[MDPhDWife]

I'm glad you found us. You'll find serveral others here who have done or are doing the long distance thing.

[scrub-jay]

Welcome!! I moved with my DH to a new state, 1500+ miles away from family. It is tough, there are up days and down days. Life isn't always peachy no matter whether you are cohabitating or not. My advice (and this is huge across this board and applies to all levels of training/attending) is to really focus on things that make you happy. Start living. We all have to learn that, and I still really struggle with it, but it is true - don't stop living just for medicine. For example - we recently had our first child - at the end of MS1!! We decided that we weren't going to let medicine dictate "when." Now, I am not saying to go get pregnant or anything rash, but I do recommend finding something that is for YOU. I am glad that we did not put our lives on hold...that is my ray of sunshine on crappy days.

((hugs)) You are in good company here.

[MarissaNicole]

and nice to meet you!

We did the last 2 years of medical school long distance (but not 1000s of miles) and it was awful. It did prepare me for intern year, now I am just happy to know he is going to come home at some point. And I really understand not wanting to get re-licensed and the stress of job hunting. I just took my second bar exam in 5 months and it wasn't any more fun the second time around and although I have found some contract work (yippee, 2 incomes, finally!) it would have been a whole heck of a lot easier to get a job in the state where I passed the bar the first time around! That being said I would take a zillion bars to be able to be close to my husband, that's why I married him. And I have to reiterate the advice given by other posters, don't let medicine dictate your life. You can't go through life "waiting for it to get better" because think of all the things you'll be missing out on! It's advice I give myself all the time, it's easy to get caught up in where you want to be and to forget to enjoy where you are. That's my 2 cents! Good luck and welcome!!

I totally agree with MrsBrainSurgeon and the other ladies post. I too struggle with "living my life" because for him "our life" is on hold because of medicine. I have lived that way for some time now, and learning that it doesn't make me happy living this way. His life is totally medicine, and then I make his life all my life, and find loneliness and unhappiness. Reading these ladies tales of how many of them have gone through similar situations, and learning they have to carry on life even during medical school, residency, fellowship, attending life, has been so helpful. I have learned through the hard way that life keeps on going, and if you keep it on hold for the next 10-16 years, it will pass you by and will be none the happier.

As for living apart, I'm with the ladies who moved to be with their men. We have talked about living separate when it comes to my school and his training, and as practical as it sounds, I don't see the happiness in it. I would rather be with him (and enjoy the little bit of time we have when he's home) than be apart from him. I think for me, short term is doable, but I couldn't see my long term plan being without him, if I had the ability to be with him.

[GrayMatterWife]

We've done the live-apart-for-a-job thing three times in 14 years of marriage. Just got off 6 months apart, and do it a fourth time next year, when he moves away for fellowship. It's not as unusual as it might seem. Totally get you.

Still...SUCKS big.