Hello everyone, I'm new!

[SoonerTexan]

I moved with him after college from Boston to Hanover, NH for Dartmouth Med. I have had a few job offers in the area and am deciding what's best for me. Some offers are full-time, which is what I need to pay the bills, while others are part-time, which I feel would free me up to volunteer, get to know the area, and help my bf with daily, mundane tasks. Should I compromise my potential to help him, or should I try to balance it all with a full-time job? Any suggestions?

Well, I've been at it full-time for a month...so maybe in a couple months I'll let you know how it is working out for us

Just remember he is his own person and other med students make it without someone helping them. DH's parents both went to med school when the first got married--apparently his mom rocked college and got the better grades then, but her husband did much better in med school...guess who was doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. during that time. She is still a little bitter about it today.

I fully believe that my career should come second, as in, I will leave my job for him to go to residency, etc., but we are married, and have a long-term plan of him being the sole-provider at some point so I can stay at home eventually...if I wasn't fully committed (i.e. ring on the finger), I don't think I would give up that much quite yet and would put more focus on my own career.

Just curious--(you don't have to answer if I am prying too much)do you see engagement/marriage in the near future?

[scrub-jay]

I fully believe that my career should come second, as in, I will leave my job for him to go to residency, etc., but we are married, and have a long-term plan of him being the sole-provider at some point so I can stay at home eventually...if I wasn't fully committed (i.e. ring on the finger), I don't think I would give up that much quite yet and would put more focus on my own career.

This. I do not mind working because I like my job, but this medical school path is "our" path and "our" goal. I feel like I am doing my part in "our goal" and he feels the same way. He tells me how he is glad we are in this together. I'm not sure how I would feel if this were not clear between us. Good luck!

I agree you have to do what's best for you. It's hard to generalize without knowing you, but honestly, I thought you kind of answered your own question when you phrased the part-time option as "compromise my potential to help him." If that's the way you view it now, it doesn't sound like it's going to be very good for you. There is nothing wrong with changing your career goals to accommodate the medical partner, but if you're going to feel like it's just for him, and not part of a team effort like Crystal described, it just sounds like a recipe for bitterness to me.

For what it's worth, I don't think you have to have a second fiddle career to be part of a successful medical relationship. My husband and I have both had to make career sacrifices for the other, but we view our careers as equally important, and that works for us. I have been employed full time since my husband started med school, and for the most part I haven't had any problem finding time to cook, clean, volunteer, hang out with friends, and help him out as needed. When I'm busy at work though, he knows how to do a load of laundry and order take out.

Just curious--(you don't have to answer if I am prying too much)do you see engagement/marriage in the near future?

We are def. committed and have had several talks about marriage and whatnot but since we come from divorced households, we want to be sure before we just into anything. But I'm sure marriage is in our future, but we aren't in a rush.

[QUOTE=Selu;491682]There is nothing wrong with changing your career goals to accommodate the medical partner, but if you're going to feel like it's just for him, and not part of a team effort like Crystal described, it just sounds like a recipe for bitterness to me. [QUOTE]

Since I just graduated college, it's not like I am changing my career goals, necessarily, since I haven't really made a name for myself in that area. The part-time job is a babysitting/nanny gig that's in the area and would be flexible for me to do all the things I need to do (volunteer, interview for other jobs for the next school year [I want to be a first grade teacher], run errands, etc) and keep my energy to support him. But since I don't know too much about med school, especially the first year, I don't know how much time I'll need to help him out. I would hate to be the domesticated girlfriend but I also don't want us to never see each other if our committments overlay.

[oceanchild]

Hi! Welcome! I won't tell you first year's a breeze, but it's definitely going to get worse. I wouldn't worry about never seeing him. That'll be third year (and then again as a resident).

My bias: I've worked full time since graduating from college. I'd like to go part-time when we have kids (someday), but we have always operated under the assumption that both of our careers are as important as we want them to be.

[Deebs]

Welcome! If I were you, right now, I would consider the financial aspect and work full time. I worked about sixty hours per week and went to grad school at night while DH was in med school. While it was crazy, it actually probably made it easier on our relationship because we were equally busy. We still somehow managed to find time for each other (although I have to admit a good deal of that time was in a library or other study spot).

Welcome! There is a lot going on for you! But you found the right place!! Hope to get to know you better!!

I moved with him after college from Boston to Hanover, NH for Dartmouth Med. I have had a few job offers in the area and am deciding what's best for me. Some offers are full-time, which is what I need to pay the bills, while others are part-time, which I feel would free me up to volunteer, get to know the area, and help my bf with daily, mundane tasks. Should I compromise my potential to help him, or should I try to balance it all with a full-time job? Any suggestions?

God, no. Even people who trudge through this (medical school / residency) already MARRIED see everything fall apart at some point or shortly after finishing (when "finishing" doesn't turn out to be the magic pill that everyone assumes it will be.) I'm not a person who feels as though marriage is the end-all/be-all or proves anything about a relationship, but it does give one a teeny-tiny bit of legal protection in the event that things go south. If you've graduated from college, get a job and start working towards what you want. As someone else said, lots of medical students do it w/o any helpers, and you certainly don't want to enable the "I'm so important I'm going to be a dawkter" mindset from the get go. Med school is grad school - at least for the first two years. For the next two it's a job w/bad hours and periodic tests. Do. Not. Put. Your. Life. On. Hold.

[MarissaNicole]

Along the lines of what others have said as far as doing what's best for YOU, I would definitely say that you should be able to work full time. Personally money was more of an issue than time to get things done in medical school. I worked full time (after I graduated from law school) and DH and I shared the housework. Sure there were weeks when he did less because of an exam, but it was still totally manageable to work full time. Don't take this the wrong way but you don't want to start off medical school with him getting used to not having to contribute to housework. I say that because we have all gone through stages where our SO thought that being a med student or med resident gave them a free pass when it came to household duties.... and again there will be times when they won't be as helpful, but ultimately they need to learn to PRIORITIZE so that they can juggle all their obligations. So I guess if it were me I would take the full time job, unless you think you'll be miserable and/or won't have the time to look for the job you really want (teaching 1st grade).

ETA (Edited to add): As always I am just giving my two cents, use what is useful and disregard the rest, please don't be offended.

I say that because we have all gone through stages where our SO thought that being a med student or med resident gave them a free pass when it came to household duties.....

Amen sister! I say make some money while you can, before you have kids and other priorities that make a full-time career more difficult. I am not saying medical school is easy but from what I have seen of residency so far it's a walk in the park in comparison. I went to law school while my husband was in medical school so we had a lot of the same time issues and pressure placed on us. He helped out around the house but mainly around my final exams. And he did EVERYTHING while I studied for the bar. But I did everything while he studied for Step I/II. So it's a balance, a give and take. But don't ever give up what you want to do because of medicine. You may have to compromise what you want, but don't give it up entirely. Like MarissaNicole said, that's just my 2 cents!

[Thirteen]

Welcome Strawberry!

Everyone has already said it, but... Don't put your life on hold. You'll find that many things tend to be on hold anyway with a medical spouse during the training years. Enjoy your life, pick up a hobby or two, meet some new friends, and develop your own career.

Thanks for all of the advice everyone. Since he started class i realize all of this is pretty manageable. While the full time position didn't work out I have found an almost full time nanny position that allows me to work and have flexible hours if I get a call to sub at a school which will build my relationships with the school districts and hopefully help when I reapply for a teaching job next fall. It also gives me the chance to do extra babysitting go to te gym and rake care of myself. Thanks