Hello & questions

Hi Everyone,

I just found this site. It looks like a place where I can talk with people who can understand what I'm going through. My husband is a urology (surgical) resident. Last year he did general surgery and this year he started urology, so he's a second year with three more to go! It's been very difficult for us both. We moved about three hours away, I have no fam here. He's miserable, I mean they treat him so badly and he works the most ridiculous hours. I thought last year was bad when he had to do night float and hospital call, but this year he has home call and we see each other less! He working four weekends in a row right now, no days off. It's hard enough trying to get myself through this, but I don't know how to get him through it. How do you guys help them through? I need to know for my own sanity lol. Thanks!

[peggyfromwastate]

Welcome. We've been there. It is extremely frustrating when the weekends are all *taken* by work. I hate that the most about residency. DH typically has some type of work commitment 3/4 weekends, and it just sucks the life right out of me...

I've gone months without a "real" conversation, but I think your schedule will settle down in a bit and you'll find some type of way to connect. We text a lot these days, otherwise I don't think we'd communicate at all! Little text messages all day long sort of makes me feel connected. Of course my hubby is in houston now (about 1400 mi away from us), but... honestly the feeling of disconnect is about the same as when he's "home"...

[TigerLily]

Hi! This website it awesome by the way and welcome to it!
My husband is only an intern, so you've been through more residency than we have, but I can tell you what I've tried to do to help during this year as well as med school which was also terrible for us.

I found that one of the most important things for us is that I try to make our home and life comfortable. I try to make sure dinner is ready and the house is cleanish, and get any annoying errands out of the way before he gets home. Especially from a particularly annoying day. Of course, I have the luxury of being able to stay at home with our daughter, so this is kind of my job. It would be totally different if I worked outside the home. But my husband lacks the ability to relax until everything that needs to be done is done so when he comes home he just work work works until everything is done.
I personally have a um....nagging? problem. So I had to kick that to keep our marriage going. I learned pretty quick when he comes home to just listen to him and that lack of sleep can make a husband much less understanding.
If he comes home and is upset that the attending or cheif of anybody reamed him for something, always take his side.

okay i'm sure you already do all of these things. I'm starting to think maybe I should be asking this question too! So, i'll be checking back for responses. And if I think of anything worthwhile I'll get back to you.
WELCOME AGAIN!

Welcome! You have found the right place to vent. I try to stay very busy when my husband is "away" and connect through texts and emails during that time. It isn't ever enough but it helps in getting over the really tough times of being apart. I also try to go visit him at the hospital to catch a bite to eat if he has time, this isn't always possible but I jump at the chance when it is (we live really close so I can be there in 2 minutes if he has 10). I think what I have learned that helps the most is not to expect him to "be here" even when he is and to just enjoy him "as-is" even if that is ridiculously exhausted and down post-call. And to complain about the situation to my mom or sisters or on here and not to him. It doesn't help to compound his misery by being upset with him about it. That lesson took me a few months of being on NSG service to figure out!
As far as helping him out, just love him and be understanding, I have a lot of flexibility in my work (and no kids yet) so I can be home when my husband is post-call and after work, I wake up with him and get him off to the hospital in the morning no matter how early. I feed him a lot and then let him sleep. I listen to him complain about a bad day/night whether it's his colleagues or his patients and regardless of how many times he tells me (post-call he doesn't always remember!) Sometimes it helps to remember that it was a joint decision and that you both signed on for the suck and that you will both get through it together. That's my two cents. There will be some days that nothing makes it better but to complain, complain, complain. On those days I come here Once again Welcome!
Ps: Zoe is right, you probably know more about this than those of us with intern spouses, having made it through intern year already, but I think it always helps to hear it from someone else, no matter where in the training years you are. It helps me to hear others advice and to craft a response myself, to realize what I could be "doing better" in this whole process!!!

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! This is a great place, and you've gotten some fantastic advice already. Residency is hard, and people outside medicine don't really comprehend it. After over two years, our friends are still surprised by how much DH (dear husband) works.

[medpedspouse]

Hi and Welcome!

How I helped ( I think) is by being his cheerleader....basically what everyone has said. How I eventually helped myself was to hold him accountable for home responsibilities. This was his career choice and the lifestyle he chose to have. At first, I would do e.v.e..r.y.t.h.i.n.g for him trying to make his life at home as easy and pleasantly as possible. All he did when home was sleep, eat and "down time" to work-out or relax. Sounds nice huh? Well, dude got used to it and little by little he began to give less and less. All of the sudden medicine got 100+% and I got 0. Then you begin to resent the whole darn thing. It is an ugly path. Think about it, single residents/fellows and med students still take out their trash, still do laundry (or at least put it in a sack to take to the cleaners), still keep up with certain home responsibilities, etc. IMO, our spouses should be no different.

I am sorry to sound like a debbie downer, I just wanted to give you my perspective and a warning to not take my path. After living this way through medical school, residency and part of fellowship I was done and ready bolt out of that lifestyle. There is a lot of truth about making sure you take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. The good thing about that horrible year was that we ended up in counseling and learned quite a bit about balance. Life after training is a little easier but no cakewalk. However, I think knowing that I can rely on him (for some things) and that we will "share the burden" has made our marriage stronger and frankly made me resent medicine less.

[diggitydot]

Bwaahaaahaaaa! "Help them through"?! That's a good one.

Seriously, though -- he chose the ugly bitch of medicine knowing full well that she's mean, vindictive, and masochistic. He doesn't get extra leeway simply because he chose to torture himself. I do exactly what I'd do if he were a house painter, engineer, landscaper, whatever -- meaning I support him and give him a (relatively) sympathetic ear when necessary. He's still expected to engage and be a productive member of our family.

But, I'm a bitch so obviously YMMV.

He doesn't get extra leeway simply because he chose to torture himself. I do exactly what I'd do if he were a house painter, engineer, landscaper, whatever -- meaning I support him and give him a (relatively) sympathetic ear when necessary. He's still expected to engage and be a productive member of our family.

After rereading my post I realized I sounded a bit pollyanna-esque. I still make him do stuff around the house and I often point out to him that we tried very hard to get into this residency so to quit his bitching and moaning, I just try and do it when he isn't post-call. Nothing goes over very well when he's been up for 30 hours straight and gotten reamed during morning rounds. It's a hard balance to attain I think, to be supportive but not coddling or enabling of the "I am king of the universe" attitude. But I suppose all marriages have a component of this.

Wow, you guys are amazing. Thank you all so much for your responses. It's so refreshing and just plain comforting to hear women that feel the same way I do. I speak with my family and they help, but they're so impressed by my husband (jewish mother) I think they forget about me and how it all affects me too! BTW they have no idea of what we go through right? SO this is so nice, to have people that can actually relate. I see everyone's side here for sure. I tried the whole clean house, dinner, listening thing and then the whole this is his fault thing lol. I've learned to get off his back as I don't think any of us really knew how tough it would be, even our hubbies. It kind of seems like a lose lose? I mean we fight with them about our home life but that doesn't make it better, then we try to get off there back and that only makes them go more into there work like a get out of jail free card! I did work full time the intern year and that helped, but now I freelance for my work and money is tight and I'm more lonely now. But at the same time I wanted some flexibility to be able to visit home when I wanted to, esp. since my sister had my niece.
Anyway just to give you guys a quick story of why he's so upset. Intern year he worked with some bitchy and I mean crazy female chiefs. One of them who worked with him 8 days out of the year, 8 and not even 8 straight days! decided she didn't like him and wrote a letter about him to the program director. Now my husband is the nicest guy, sometimes too nice and usually very happy go lucky, so we have no idea what her problem was! She did have a horrible reputation and all the residents hated her. My husband also is Jewish and we are at a jesuit hospital. Just throwing that out there. So anyway she writes up my husband with bogus statements, the program director didn't even go into her statements they were so stupid, but she got a nurse friend to throw in a complaint to. It's amazing how someone can go after another person and try to destroy them. It's also ironic because my hubby is so nice to nurses, he makes a point of it, esp cuz my best friend is a nurse. This nurse complaint came out of no where and that's what they were upset about. So anyway they tell him be more careful, pat on the back but send home a letter that said next time there's a problem your on probation. We couldn't believe it. SO now he started his year with a scarlett letter, and found out that the director of urology e-mailed all the chiefs about what happened. Needless to say he's been throuh the ringer the past 4 months, and he has an evaluation coming up next week. We already heard from his chief who he gets along great with him that they're looking over any mistakes he made. HELLO he's a resident, it's a training program. At least he didn't kill someone like his uro co resident in there intern year, but her I guess you get off easier if you kill someone, just not if a womans out to get you. Anyway guys, he's miserable and analyzing everything. He's never been treated right here and he said if he gets put on probation we're going back home and he's going to transfer and I couldn't agree more. So thanks again for all your help and I will let you all know what happens...

[peggyfromwastate]

I would cautiously urge you to transfer sooner than later. Just get the hell out of there.

I think I fall into a place between some of those comments. We are in our 7/7 NSG Chief year, and he's the only Chief! We are doing months of straight call, and I have had to battle many of these arguments in my head. I tend to be like MrsBrainSurg, I do most things in the house. I get up whenever he does (even if I am mad the night before over a silly fight), cook his oatmeal, pack his bag and lunch and out the door he goes! Then I take care of the dogs, and head to work full time, come home, take care of the dogs, and cook dinner, clean the house, and find time to study and go to class on weekends. I think I too at times get resentful that i DO EVERYTHING! He will take it for granted at times, and I have to remind him that, I am running the house, taking care of the dogs, working hard and traveling with my job and taking class, and that I do everything to make his life easier: he will then be like "oh, you do so much!" But only after I have pointed it out! lol

I think though, I need to find a balance as well. I think I need to learn that it's okay if he does something (even if it's not my way or "the right way") because he needs to feel engaged in the house, and I do ask him to do things, and at times I can see he frustrated look (like, I am exhausted, I don't want to do that) but does it. I don't ask him to do much, but I do recognize the importance of handing him some responsibility at times, because I do find I get upset if I am doing everything with no appreciation and he doesn't even think to offer to wash a dish, after he's come home after a long day, and after eating, goes and flops of the bed to watch the game. I understand he needs to decompress, and yes our situation is a bit unusual with all the call (3-4 mons almost straight) but I can't hold everything up for us all the time. I get burned out and tired too.

So I think I need to take some advice of these fine ladies too! The balance. It is a tough road, but he's not in it alone, we are in it together.

As for things I do to help him beside the previously stated: I think several offered the idea of just having other things to do. I think that takes a lot of pressure off him to feel he has to also provide all the conversation and activities in the relationship. Having a place to vent your frustrations when he's not being understanding or loving, and having things to keep you busy and not "nagging" are great. Plus it's healthy for you too, keeps you focused on other things, and helps you pay attention to yourself (which almost everyone on here forgets to do) (they are all superwomen/men)!

hang in there!!

[Pollyanna]

I would cautiously urge you to transfer sooner than later. Just get the hell out of there.

Um, yes. Do not wait, it is not worth it.

FWIW, I seriously doubt your faith and that of the institution has any bearing here. You simply have a woman that is out to get your husband for whatever reason. Remember that there is no defense for a lie, and she has already shown that she is capable of lying. Some people are just evil and the best way to handle them is to get as far away as possible.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted.

[houseelf]

I just wanted to say "Welcome". You have definitely found some kindred spirits here.

[MissCrabette]

I don't have any experience with residency or the type of situation you describe, but I wanted to say that I would transfer now. Transferring would most certainly be much more difficult if he gets put on probation. That kind of thing would follow him forever. Don't wait.

[v-girl]

Welcome!