a terrible decision

hola everyone-
i just wanted to say how lucky i was to have found such a wonderful place. This has certainly been a god send to my fragile state of mind
so a little skinny- im a jobless 21 year old physics major he's 26 and getting a masters in chemisty (he is also my fiance). We're both carrer minded dorky people (yay dorkiness). And im a little determined on not being a stay at home wife or mom.

I hate to introduce myself with such a really big problem, but i suppose thats why i sought out a support place in the first place.
so my fiance decided in january that chemisty was going nowhere for him. And wanted to start anew. When he was an undergraduate in college he had applied to medical school and failed to get in, and now he wants to try to live that dream again. So hes decided to go back to medical school (i think he wants to do pediactric oncology)

now i guess this is more my problem than his...
but..
I really really really dont want him to go
but i cant tell him and i cant break up with him.

why? if i tell him that i dont want to go. then he wont go, but i'll be taking his dream away from him. That is what he's always wanted to do. And what kind of monster would i be if i told him that he cant persue his dream, while the whole time trying to persue my path in life.
but if he goes to medical school ill never see him, ever... 8 years 80-100 work weeks. Thats forever. My friends were all happy when i told them that he was thinking of going back to medical school. They thought i hit the "big time" landing a possible Dr. but i cant share their enthusiasm. I dont care about money or fancy things. I want to be able to talk to him at the end of the day. and i want him to not be tired enough so that he cant talk to me. Even if we arent in the same city. If we can talk on the phone, its good enough for me.

Its very selfish- i know -- i honestly dont know where or when my next job will be. I had an offer for one in new mexico. But like i said before. I cant tell him to not go and then go myself.

I suppose my topic doesnt really much have a point to it i just want some sort of help or guidance. I dont know wheather to tell him, and leave him. Or sit around and wait for 8 years- I know i can have my job, and join clubs and meet new people and stuff like that. Its just having to spend all that time without him. just thinking about it is tearing me apart. (heehee he hasnt even gotten into medical school yet and im already ripping myself to shreds)
thanks for listening (reading ?)

[PrincessFiona]

med school?

Have you sat down with yourself and tried to determine why it is that you don't want him to go to medical school?

Here's what I'll tell you:

8 years 80-100 work weeks. Thats forever.

8 years is most definately not forever....not at all...as a matter of fact, it goes by much more quickly than I'd care to admit. The first two years of med school are really not too bad.....you should have about the same amount of time with him that you do now. 3rd year can be rough...and sometimes 4th year depending on where you go.

The rest all boils down to choice of specialty. A pediatrics residency, for example isn't as demanding timewise as a surgery residency. Many family practice residency programs are also quite family-friendly. The choice of specialty also determines the lifestyle afterwards....if he chooses a sugical residency and fellowship, the honest truth is that he will likely work those 80 hours a week post-residency. My husband is an ID physician..after surviving residency, he chose a more rural area of the country to practice in in a group practice...His hours are very, very doable and his new contract just offered him 6 weeks of vacation.....the pay isn't as good as in private practice in a big city...but the cost of living isn't as high either.

I would suggest that you look within yourself and decide why it is that you are so against this. Is it just because you are afraid he will be gone for so long? Talk to the spouses here and read through some of the articles and posts...it is possible to survive medical training with an intact and healthy marriage if you work at it....Don't throw in the towel just yet.

kris

HI there,

I thought the previous reply to your post was very thoughtful. Unfortunately, with my one year old, I won't have the time for the same quality of response. Anyway, I don't think you should feel horrible about thinking about your own needs (someone has to) but I don't see how you could in good conscience ask your fiance to give up his dream. You can communicate your reservations, but you can' t ask him to sacrifice his needs for you.

It sounded to me as if you're really crazy about him, but also worried about how his choice will impact your relationship. That's fair, I'm struggling right now with not seeing my dh much in his first year of OB/GYN residency. Med school is a breeze compared to residency. Also, your partner can make choices about the time he puts into med school. If he goes for honors in every subject, he'll have to study VERY hard and you won't see him much. If he's content with passess and some high passes, he'll have a pretty good quality of life. It's all about choices.

The last thing I can say, and I remind myself of this all the time, is to live in the present and not obsess about the future. If you are happy now in your relationship, stick with it. No one can know what things will be like 1 or 8 years from now. If a great job comes up for you, you'll deal with that decision when the time comes. Good luck.

Dylansmom

my husband studied physical chemsitry in grad school. he was at Georgetown, I had a good job, we were just married, things were great. then he came home and said he wanted to do medicine and wanted to start ASAP which meant going to the caribbean since the application process was closed by that time for the US schools. I was scared beyond words to come here.

needless to say, I hate the caribbean, it's not my thing, but we make it work. he studies at home, which is easier since we don't have kids yet. we meet for a quick lunch and have dinner together. he's up at 5 am and in bed at 10 pm studying all the time inbetween. on the weekends when he doesn't have exams coming up, he devotes friday night to us, saturday is his for studying, the evening is ours. sunday all day is his for studying. seems like alot, but we make it work. it's his dream. I could never ask him to not do this. he has supported me 100% in everything I've wanted to do. and I change my mind alot. but there are ways to make it work. and all those hours apart that lie ahead...well, we'll work through that too. If he has to get to know his kids through picninc lunches next to a gurney, so be it.


try it. you never know.