New Here: married 11 years to a doctor

Where do I begin? This will be all over the place, sorry.

I am thankful for this site and look forward to meeting new people!

I am a SAHM to 5 kids, never got a degree...do not fit in at all with the physician culture: I don't shop at LOFT, I don't run marathons, I don't have a really nice McMansion and after 11 years I am starting not to care. As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam." LOL

What I DO still care about is DH always being gone. I have done my best to change myself and my outlook but being married to someone who is rarely home is pointless for me. We might have sex 2-6 times a year. WTH?! My marriage is strictly for the kids and I just hope I don't implode because of it. He is a good provider (sorta, see below) and when he is with us/the kids he is great. He spends maybe 4-10 hours a month with us.

When I was a single mom I lived below the poverty level but at least I was happy. Now my world revolves around Him and the kids' activities, just like so many SAHMs. I do have outside interests but that might take me from home maybe once a month for a few hours. Woo-hoo! I am a child sex abuse survivor so I don't hire babysitters and couldn't afford one which is another laugh:doctors don't make that much money. (My DH is a PED EM) If we have $3000 in stead of putting some towards CC debt he buys himself something. We owe more than he makes. Depressing, I know.

And yes I have told him everything I just shared. He keeps telling me that I need to change. It's always me. Never him.

Man, am I a kill joy or what?! Here's to moving forward, whatever that means.

ETA: I went to a therapist and she told me to put my kids in daycare and get a life. That would cost $1375. LOL I don't want my kids in daycare, I just want a DH with a regular freakin schedule.

[MrsK]

Wow. Sounds like you are having a really rough time. It also sounds like you have gotten some good advise in the past so I really don't know what else to suggest. Would your DH consider going to credit counseling with you? Maybe focusing on your financial goals and tackling one issue at a time would help.

As for sitters, I understand your fears -- our sitter is an older woman who was a caregiver for our rabbi's mother and was recommended by a zillion people. We still did a background check and the first time she stayed with our baby (I was home), I watched her through a crack in the door and on the baby monitor the whole time. It took a while but she's earned my trust.

Quercus: welcome. I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. I wish I could be more help, but I just want to offer my support. Glad you found this site!

[Momo]

Welcome to the boards!

Rock >you<hard place

What keeps him away so much? Does he do locum tenens work?

[houseelf]

Hi Quercus,

Welcome to our site. You have touched on many topics which are discussed at further length in the private forums. I would encourage you to chat for awhile and let us get to "know" you and then you will gain admittance to the private areas. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I am sure that you will find the kind of support that you are lookign for here.

[ides]

Welcome. I'm sorry things suck right now. If he's in EM is there a reason he can't shorten his hours and be home more? Again, welcome & looking forward to getting to know you.

[Deebs]

Welcome! Hope you are able to get good support here.

[SoonerTexan]

ETA: I went to a therapist and she told me to put my kids in daycare and get a life. That would cost $1375. LOL I don't want my kids in daycare, I just want a DH with a regular freakin schedule

Yeah, that really isn't helpful!

All I can say is welcome, and I hope you stick around!

[SuzySunshine]

I know you said you don't want to put them in daycare but have you thought about a mom's day out so that you get one day/week to yourself.

Welcome - this is a good site!

[v-girl]

Welcome!

I only leave my kids with family or friends or the church nursery. If we didn't live near my mom and sister, we'd never get to do anything!

[scrub-jay]

Welcome!

I only leave my kids with family or friends or the church nursery. If we didn't live near my mom and sister, we'd never get to do anything!

We don't go out.

[migirl]

I only leave my kids with family or friends or the church nursery.

This is us. Exactly.

[Meenah]

I'm gald you found us. You are not alone, this lifestyle does suck. I look forward to getting to know you. Like Kelly said, after you have been here and posted some more you will gain access to other forums that will be helpful.

Thank you for the replies. I am not always this whiny, I promise! I have seen my DH for 10 minutes in the past week and feel overwhelmed. Thanks for the vent.

I didn't mean to imply a good mom=never getting a sitter, either! Or daycare is evil. I have trust issues. I know I would feel better if I got a babysitter and did something for myself but like I said, I can't trust anyone. I am hurting myself with this way of thinking, I know. FWIW, my DD was in daycare full time when I was a single mom, so I hope no one felt offended by my post.

My DH signs up for everything. He created a programs where he mentors med students. He is the Director of Something at the hospital. He is Chairperson for something else. His hands are in too many pots! I had to go to the ER and his attending at the time said I was a saint for "allowing" my DH to work so many hours and whenever a committee is formed, the other doctors sit back because they know he will step up and take charge. LMBO

I feel like I am stuck and I am so done. Now what am I going to do about it?

Thanks again!

[Meenah]

First of all you are going to stick around here. We can't fix anything but we really rock when it comes to helping get through it. Our group covers all the medical life from all angles. We have members whose spouses/partners are just starting medical school and others who have been attendings for 15 plus years!! There will always be someone here who has gone through what you are going through, is going throught it, or will go through it.